3 Certain Ways to Know if a Relationship Is on Shaky Ground

Many relationships are like the Titanic. They seem unsinkable until they hit that hidden iceberg. It’s a sad truth of life. But maybe, just maybe, you can turn the tides before this happens. First you have to be aware. Maybe you can see it coming.

That’s where I come in. I’m here to help. I want people to have relationships that work for them. Because I know how incredibly painful it is when they don’t. I wouldn’t wish that on any of you.

Of course, knowledge is everything. The more we know about what’s going on, the better off we are. The first sign of a dying relationship is shaky ground. Here are five things I can think of that show weakness in a couple. Cue that Lady Gaga song: Bad Romance.

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1. Lack of commitment

A relationship is only as strong as the commitment that’s behind it. What are the terms of the commitment? Is there an understanding? Are you on the same page? All are extremely important.

Those are the kinds of questions I ask myself when analyzing relationships. Is there a title to the relationship? Is it dating? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Significant other? Engaged? Husband and wife? Lots of questions, but important ones.

There is always a real-time, unspoken sense for what the grounds are for commitment. The less, the more likely the relationship is to fall apart. There are many relationships that last because the people defer to some sense of commitment and loyalty they have to one another, that is paramount to whatever stress they’re under at any given time.

But two people often just aren’t seeing eye-to-eye (or heart to heart, as it were), and without a clear gauge on our foreheads, it doesn’t always hurt to check in on this somewhat regularly if it isn’t crystal clear. The sense of commitment should be agreed-upon, transparent, and reliable.

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2. Low investment of time

The less time invested, the easier it is to end the relationship. So, very early on, you could be dumped at any second. Or you could just as easily be the initiator of a breakup.

There are more hoops to jump through psychologically to end a long-standing relationship. More damage control for your heart after it’s over. Unless there is another open door. So, people might actually spend some time at the midpoint of a relationship, sneakily finding that door, and preparing to go through.

But for people who don’t leap-frog, it’s more a matter of having the social capital to survive without the person. Whoever has more social capital at the end of a relationship is usually better set up to move on and find someone new. I’ve always been the last one to move on and find someone new.

Of course, I’ve had it various ways in terms of how I bounced back. One breakup sent me to hell and nearly killed me, whereas another sent me to heaven (by comparison; still no picnic, but relatively speaking).

Someone is always worse off after a breakup. One person usually gets hit harder. Usually, it’s the person who doesn’t initiate the breakup, but not always. It’s not always so black and white.

The more time invested, the more both parties are likely to dig in their heels or to place a high premium on finding a new place to dig in before cutting it off.

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3. Stagnation

Relationships, like anything organic, evolving, and creative, are about progression. If the relationship has been stuck in boyfriend/girlfriend mode without moving onto the next stage of commitment, for years on end, there’s a decent chance it’ll never become something more. If you’re just dating for months and months, then it might not be going anywhere.

A relationship can feel like it’s just what someone or even both people want, to varying degrees, but if it isn’t progressing in mature, adult, constructive ways, then it probably won’t last. That’s because risks need to be taken to overcome boundaries and obstacles together.

No risk, no reward. Stagnation sometimes amounts to safeness within comfort, but it can also mean repeating the same negative patterns.

Stagnation can happen at any point in a relationship. However, if the relationship shows both a sense of commitment and time investment, often any inertia can be overcome by focusing on the big picture. Two people who are committed and willing to put in the time can usually work through almost anything.

But remember that it takes two to tango. If one person stagnates, especially in very unhealthy ways, and fails to change their ways despite plenty of opportunities (as the other person sees it), there might be nothing in the world that could lead the other person to staying with them.

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Final Thoughts

You might notice that I didn’t mention anything about love. This is because love is assumed. Why would two people ever be together if they weren’t in love? Unless you’re talking about some kind of arranged marriage, there is always love.

Most relationships that don’t work out, fail despite there being love (or having been plenty of at one point). Of course, love can fade or die out, but love being there in the first place is what makes a relationship possible in the first place. We wouldn’t be having this talk if there hadn’t been any love there that wasn’t worth working to save.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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