I’ll admit that I’m guilty of this as well. Yet, some of the recent dating advice I’ve come across should be flushed down the toilet. Or at the least, exiled to a remote part of the world where they will never be found or heard again.
Several of these CRAP beliefs are listed herein.
1. Don’t Contact First
Better known as “Don’t make the first move.”
We are reluctant to put ourselves out there for fear of being turned down. Most individuals would rather have someone else take responsibility for that. In that manner, everyone’s safety is ensured.
Dating would be much easier if we did what we wanted, when we wanted, rather than arguing over who should initiate contact. (Within acceptable limits.) Instead of wasting time debating “do I, don’t I?” you should just make up your mind and just do. If you are being respectful, that means you are not being disrespectful. That may sound obvious, but in today’s world, it’s not.
There’s no shame in making contact or suggesting a get-together. That requires “putting yourself out there,” yet taking risks is the only way to achieve your goals in life. Come on, how many times in your dating life have you heard, “You have to put yourself out there?”
If everyone was afraid to be the “first one to initiate,” nothing would ever get done.
A Better Approach
Taking chances is what keeps the world turning.
Do yourself a favor and text someone before picking up the phone.
Not responding is the worst possible outcome. (Therein lays your solution…playing hard to get, means you will not get to be got)
2. Avoid Expecting The Worst
To put it bluntly, you should treat every potential suitor as though they were a jerk. Let them to disprove your assumptions.
Oh boy, boy. How can I even begin to tackle this problem?
There is enough pain for 10 lifetimes for today’s youth to endure before they reach legal drinking age in the United States.
And for most of us, heartbreak can make us cynical, doubtful of love, and suspicious of other people’s motives. Because of this, it’s not always easy to approach dating with an open mind. Everyone you meet deserves a fresh start, but sometimes it feels like you can’t give them that.
Even still, dating might not be for you if you go into every interaction assuming the other person is going to treat you badly. It’s okay to say I must pull back and work on myself before putting myself out there. There’s no hurry. Heck, talk to my grandmother. She’s about to turn 96 and has lived a lot longer than she ever wanted. In today’s world, the time crunch is more mythology.
Unless you’ve dealt with your issues and are at a place where you can offer someone a second chance, it’s best to be single. Not that you should go into every relationship with blind faith and an open heart, but you also shouldn’t go into it “expecting the worst” from the other person.
A Better Approach
No two persons are alike. Make an effort to treat each newcomer fairly.
Don’t let past hurts and disappointments derail your chances for success.
Keep in mind that you decide how much influence your past will have over you. To what extent are you willing to sacrifice your joy?
3. Don’t Play Hard To Get
Just Don’t Play Games…hard to get is a game!
I’ve heard variations on this theme, such as “believe they’re like a sister to you” or “act like you’re entirely uninterested,” which are ostensibly designed to make them want you more.
In fact, there are situations when this method is successful.
Humans crave affirmation and become especially needy when they believe it will be withheld. We mistakenly believe that we enjoy the company of those who already like us, when in fact we prefer those who make us earn their acceptance.
It’s basic economics, really. The more we put in, the more we expect out of it. We tend to double down when something isn’t working. Viewing a relationship as a financial investment is a problem, but sadly, it is a realistic view. I’m sitting here writing, and my dinner is on the stove. I’m hungry but can’t take a bite out of this writing.
Playing hard to get can be successful since no one likes acknowledging they made a terrible investment. It’s that sunk-cost thing. I’ve invested so much; instead of pulling out, I’m going to see it through to emotional bankruptcy.
But, this behavior ultimately leads to dishonesty and manipulation in your relationship.
Is that really your goal?
A Better Approach
Tell the truth about your feelings and objectives. Don’t try to win someone over or hold their attention by being manipulative. A relationship built on deceit and deception will never blossom into something real and genuine. This is also reflected in how some dating services are designed – the Sakuraladies platform, for instance, emphasises profile transparency as a core part of the user experience.
You don’t have to resort to deception if a genuine friendship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: d i e g o Authentic on Unsplash
