3 Important Lessons I Learned Being Single

I hated being alone.

Most of my adult life I was with someone. And, six of those years I was married.

I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back I thought I needed to be with someone to believe I was good enough. It was a constant distraction from facing that I felt unwanted and unloved by myself.

In my mid-thirties, though, I found myself divorced and alone. A place I dreaded to be.

But this time single life was different.

In the beginning, the loneliness was deafening.

My inner mean girl was always there reminding me of my insecurities. Trying to convince me that the only way to happiness and fulfillment was with a guy. Because, without being in a relationship there was something wrong with me. Well, at least that’s what my inner mean girl would tell me.

Over time, though, I decided to explore the loneliness. Try to understand what was underneath. I logically knew I didn’t need to be with someone to be worthy and good enough. But the feelings were strong and deep.

I knew I wasn’t going to tame the insecurities by taking the same route as usual. So, instead of putting my focus on dating, I put my focus on diving within and dated myself.

Through being single I discovered three important lessons that helped me feel secure in who I was without a significant other.

* * *

I got to know myself.

Not what I thought I should want or who I thought I should be. I truly got to know who I was outside of someone else. I spent time working through my insecurities and beliefs about relationships, being single, and about me. And, instead of running away from the loneliness, I asked myself why it was so uncomfortable.

I’ll be honest, in the beginning, this wasn’t a fun process. But it was necessary to find my own sense of worth, purpose, and happiness.

I knew I didn’t want to be defined by others. I wanted to live a life for me, as me.

In past relationships, I’d project my insecurities onto others hoping they’d be the ones that would make me feel better. Instead of avoiding these insecurities in single life, I got to know them and learned how to release their grip.

Through journaling, meditation, challenging the rejecting thoughts, and allowing it to be a process, I started to rediscover who I was and who I wanted to be. I started to value myself. Then, I started to like, even love myself.

This grew into owning my sense of self-worth and claiming my own radical, authentic self-love. Who I was with others was not my fullest, most loving self. And I was ready for that to change.

Although this was uncomfortable at first, it became very empowering over time.

Single life lesson: Get to truly know who you are. Own your sense of self-worth, imperfections and all.

* * *

I complete myself.

“Find your better half”

“You complete me”

Those phrases made me feel less than for being single. And this was what I was shifting away from.

I’m not completed by anyone. I complete myself and show up as a whole self to a relationship with another whole person.

And, so do you!

When you feel whole within yourself you show up much healthier and happier in relationships. You also show up more rooted in your values and self-respect. This was a huge shift from the past of justifying all the red flags.

Incredibly, when I felt more whole within myself my belief in healthy love grew. My belief in what’s possible expanded.

And, I was actually happy being single. Not in a cynical way by any means. There were no feelings of rushing into or seeking approval. I approved of myself. And enjoyed my time with me. Instead of thinking I couldn’t do stuff, such as travel, on my own. I decided I could, and I will. And, it’s been amazing.

Single life lesson: When you show up feeling whole within yourself, you don’t feel someone else needs to complete you.

* * *

I decide.

I decide what makes me happy.

I decide if I’m going to settle or not.

I decide my values and if I’ll stick to them.

And, most important, I decide I’m worthy and good enough for what I want.

Nobody else can give that to me. These were tough lessons but a responsibility I had to myself. And, I’m glad I learned this in my mid-thirties than never at all.

I decided being single was not wrong or bad. It was an opportunity to learn and grow into who I am. Not configure myself to be more likable to others.

I decided to fill my own love bucket so I could show up to relationships with friends, family, and future romantic connections as my fullest self. Not looking to be fixed or completed by anyone else.

Single life lesson: You decide what you want, what makes you happy, and what you deserve.

* * *

Love is something to be celebrated and if you’re in a relationship you can still take time to discover yourself. To get to know who you are, what makes you tick, and feel whole within yourself.

Relationship or not, you’re always worthy and good enough of your love and approval.

For my single friends out there reading this, you get to decide what being single means to you. See it as an opportunity to really get to know and own who you are. To discover how incredible life is and can be.

Takeaways:

Being single is not a life sentence of unhappiness and unworthiness. It’s a love affair with yourself.
Rediscover who you are. You are more amazing than you think.
Work through any naysaying mindsets that tell you you’re not enough and need to find someone to be lovable.
You complete yourself.
Decide what you want and don’t settle for less.

And, you are always worth it.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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