I’ll never forget that day.
It was the day when my father and mother came home from the Mayo Clinic. I was informed that my dad had been diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis). He had a year to live.
My dad had quite a battle in front of him, and my mom had her own obstacles as she would be the primary caregiver. They both had the added task of parenting me throughout the entire ordeal. I was eleven at the time.
They did a fine job.
I was not alone. According to The National Library of Medicine up to 12% of children grow up in a household with a chronically ill parent.
It is no easy task to be a parent during times when one parent or a sibling are suffering from a chronic or terminal illness. Some kids have limited effects while others display more negative reactions. As pointed out by the National Library of Medicine:
To help minimize the negative impacts here are three areas that parents can address to assist their children through these traumatic situations.
1. Emotional Expression
When a parent or sibling is sick, it is obviously going to be distressing to the child. They may not even be aware of the impact, but it is taking a toll.
Asking them questions to prompt them to express their fears may be helpful, but it should not be forced. Normalizing their emotions can allow them to feel more comfortable to open up. Assure them that what they are feeling is okay, and when facing severe ordeals, it is normal for them to encounter numerous emotions. Realizing that what they are feeling is normal is likely to make them feel more secure going forward.
They may wish to speak with a variety of people in their lives: teachers, ministers, school counselors, and other professionals. Close friends can also serve as a shoulder to lean or cry on during tumultuous periods. If a child feels safe, they are much more likely to express themselves.
It is possible that at times they may not wish to talk. They may also need space to process their emotions internally. Some may enjoy playing an instrument to express themselves. Drawing, reading, and hobbies are all ways children may choose to express themselves. The method of how they do this is not as important as just having an outlet.
2. Be Open and Honest
I was thankful that my mother and father informed me about my dad’s condition right from the beginning. Being kept in the loop gave me time to process what was transpiring. There were no huge surprises along the way. I was given an idea of what to expect over the next year and what the final outcome would be.
Granted, I did not quite comprehend the whole thing at my age, and I remember grasping onto the hope that they would find a cure before he died. But deep down, I knew what the outcome would be, and I do believe it was easier because I had that knowledge.
Being transparent also helps the child feel included, giving them a greater ability to cope. When they are included, they do not feel alone. Communication should be at their level of understanding. They may get confused if a jumble of medical terms is thrown at them and feel lost. That can be frightening and add to their apprehension.
Allow them the freedom to ask questions and give them answers. It is imperative that they realize that their questions are not stupid.
3. Build Memories
It is rewarding to create opportunities for children to build memories with the sick family member. For example, I built a very strong memory with my father. I remember we sat and watched “Pride of the Yankees” together, and this was particularly poignant because, as I sat with him, he was dying of the same disease as the real-life character in the movie. I remember tears being in his eyes as Gary Cooper (portraying Lou Gehrig) gave his farewell speech at Yankee Stadium and uttered the words, “I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”
Building memories is a gift to both the parent and child. The parent is comforted by their child’s youth, innocence, and energy, as well as the time spent with them. The child is given a gift of a memories that they can treasure once their parent or family member is gone. Moments that may seem insignificant at the time can be monumental when reflected upon years later.
Children can also build memories when they are allowed to contribute to the caregiving process, as long as it is something they feel comfortable doing. I remember I was a big help to my mom because my father had to write everything down when he wanted to communicate since his speech was impaired. Towards the end, it was difficult for my mom to read his handwriting, as the muscles in his hands were also affected. I felt useful because I could read his handwriting and relay his message to my mom.
Parenting while also experiencing serious illness in the family is daunting; however, the difficulties can be eased by encouraging emotional expression, open communication, and building lasting memories. Each child’s reactions and coping skills vary, but understanding and support will provide them with the extra strength to make their journey less difficult.
Source: National Library of Medicine, Parental Chronic Illness, Internalizing Problems in Young Adulthood and the Mediating Role of Adolescent Attachment to Parents: A Prospective Cohort Study, Date Accessed: July 14, 2023
Photo Source: Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Austin Lowman on Unsplash
