3 Surefire Ways To Survive a Long-Distance Relationship

I’m not a big fan of long-distance relationships. I don’t think anybody is.

When we are in a relationship, it’s only natural to want to be close physically. But life can be unpredictable no matter how hard we plan.

Technology has made the world a much smaller place. Traveling to far-off places isn’t something reserved for the privileged few anymore. The rise of the internet and social apps has made connecting with people on opposite ends of the world as easy as rolling off a log. It should come as no surprise that long-distance relationships (LDRs) have been steadily on the rise in recent years. Though being in such a relationship is more of a temporary stop-gap measure. Eventually, we all want to close that distance gap.

Having been in a few long-distance relationships myself, I want to share a few things I learned along the way. I hope my highs and lows can illuminate potential pitfalls for those currently in LDR or thinking of starting one.

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Can LDRs Work?

For starters, if you are in a long-distance relationship and you have no solid plan on how or when you will close the gap, I’m sorry to say it, but your relationship is most likely doomed. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a unifying goal you both can work towards achieving.

It’s hard enough being apart and even harder not knowing when it will all end. Both parties need to be on the same page and equally committed to the relationship. If you both don’t have an end date in mind, then something is amiss.

Maybe the commitment isn’t as strong as it should be. Whatever the reasons causing the relationships to stay in a perpetual state of separation needs to be figured out and sorted sooner rather than later. Failure to do so could result in some resentment building up. Remember, prolonged resentment is the kiss of death for relationships.

The good news is, long-distance relationships are just as likely to be successful as (regular) relationships. According to a 2018 survey, they had a 58% chance of success. The odds of success of a close distance relationship are difficult to come by, but if we compare with the 50% statistic of marriages failing, I would say LDRs fair pretty well.

From my experience and understanding of LDRs, most of them don’t end because they are long-distance. They end for other reasons that would have impacted the relationship, even if it had been close distance. These reasons could be trust issues, boredom, compatibility problems, or poor communication habits.

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How to Survive an LDR

So let’s say you and your partner already have an end date or plan to close the gap. Does that mean your relationship will be a success? The answer to that question would be a resounding NO!

1. Talk and talk some more

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it, your relationship goes cold. ~ William Paisley

Talking about your feelings and needs calmly is the best fix to any current or potential problems you might encounter. It’s the only way to figure out your expectations and needs. Communication is not just a matter of talking about nothing. Sure, there is a time and place for idle chatter, priority should be given to talking about the issues that matter.

I used to have a lot of difficulties with expressing my needs. My lack of secure attachment due to past trauma made it difficult to trust my feelings would be respected. This would lead to me feeling frustrated and misunderstood. It became a vicious cycle.

There has to be a level of absolute honesty when you communicate because you don’t have the benefit of being in each other’s presence where a lot can be said without verbalizing it.

2. Do whatever it takes to meet each other’s needs

I find “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman a good starting point for getting into the conversation about how to best love each other way which leaves you both feeling fulfilled.

Inherently, relationships are about meeting each other’s needs. We all have emotional, physical, and mental needs, the same way we have basic survival needs such as water, air, and food. A lot of problems arise when we feel our needs go unmet. The longer things go in this state, the more the relationship breaks down.

One of the most common pain-point for a lot of couples in LDR is that of physical intimacy. Unlike emotional and mental intimacy, the physical is a lot harder to accomplish for obvious reasons. Now, this might not be a big deal for a minority of couples who are not sexually active, but for most people, physical intimacy is an important and integral part of being in a relationship.

Being honest about your sexual needs and how to express them with the aid of technology should be discussed in detail. People are far more likely to stray and cheat in sexually unfulfilling relationships.

3. Be emotionally present and mindful of each other’s emotions

Fortunately, meeting each other’s emotional and mental needs is a little easier. Connecting frequently through video calls, texting, sending daily voice, video notes, pictures of your daily activities even if it feels mundane; goes a long way to keep the connection alive. It’s easy to adopt the out of sight out of mind mentality when your partner is far away. Developing good predictable communication habits helps alleviate that.

Jealousy and insecurities are common emotions that easily become magnified in long-distance relationships. Some people are needier and require more together time to feel a sense of security.

When you see your partner busy living life and going out with friends; it’s easy to start to feel a tinge of jealousy, like they are placing their activities and friends over you.

I don’t see neediness as being negative so long it’s coming from a good place. It seems being needy is often vilified in the modern relationship advice industry. I believe everyone is needy, it’s just a matter of severity. To keep the peace and everyone happy, there have to be some sacrifices made. There are times you might have to forgo going out with friends to spend a weekend having a date night over Skype with your partner.

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Closing Thoughts

There is no one size fits all solution to any dating and relations problem. Nobody but you and your partner knows what works best: communication is the key to relationship bliss.

I believe when two people are truly committed and in love with each other, they can overcome all obstacles. Even if they feel there are millions of miles apart, so long as they make a conscious decision to trust each other and stick together, things will turn out fine. Where there is always a will, there is a way.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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