When you first learn of attachment styles, you learn that the gold standard is to be securely-attached. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a securely-attached person is someone who is comfortable forming close relationships with others.
On the other hand, one is said to be insecurely attached if they exhibit some difficulty in forming close relationships, whether they are intensely trying to connect (anxious attachment), disinterested in connection (avoidant attachment) or demonstrates both behaviors (anxious-avoidant attachment).
I have spoken about the insecure attachments before but what exactly are some of the positive traits to look for? What are the traits of a securely attached person?
1. They have no fear in connection
This is a fairly obvious deduction based on the definition of secure attachment that was mentioned earlier, but it’s true. Securely-attached people do not worry about a potential relationship because they do not have negative emotions regarding connections with others.
They are aware that things may go belly-up; they’re not naïve. But they are also aware of the beauty, necessity and innate value of connection so they regard relationships as positive things.
Someone with an anxious attachment style may also value connection but they are desperate for it. Someone who is avoidant attached may devalue connection. But what is common with both is that they fear connection. Even the anxious attached person has a part of them that is afraid of connection or losing the connection they have.
The securely-attached don’t have that fear. Yes, they may feel sad if their relationship comes to an end. But that’s a healthy reaction. What isn’t healthy is to be triggered by someone leaving and then quickly trying to cover the wound with a new relationship, emotional numbing or coping through addictive behavior.
2. Comfortable being alone
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” That line is often attributed to Robin Williams. In actuality, it was written by Bobcat Goldthwait for his movie, World’s Greatest Dad which starred Robin Williams.
Basically, the movie is about a wannabe writer and teacher whose son dies because of an accidental suicide via autoerotic asphyxiation. Lance (Williams’ character), writes a suicide note which falls into the hands of the school paper. People are impressed with the writing, so impressed that it caused Lance to write a journal in his dead son’s name. People loved it.
But eventually, when he reckons with the fact that he is profiting off of his deceased son and watching people who never liked his son feign heartache, he comes clean. Naturally, people despised him but he embraced it and for the first time, he became comfortable being alone.
Of course, I’m not saying that following Lance’s scheme is the key to becoming securely attached but the principle is highlighted in Lance’s character arc. Being alone isn’t a bad thing at all but if one is insecurely-attached, it is hell.
This has always struck me as odd because if an insecurely-attached person gets married and their spouse dies middle-aged, the love they had for their spouse won’t be enough for them. They will be compelled to reenter the dating market or to have some sort of sexual relationship just as they were compelled when they were single.
Nothing is wrong with dating and sex, but being compelled to date or sleep with someone due to an inner ache of not trusting connection instead of genuine affection can lead to anyone believing that being alone is the worst thing in life.
3. Comfortable around others
You might be thinking that this list is pretty obvious. The truth is that although secure attachment is seen as the holy grail of relationship health, it is also fairly simple. It is the fear of connection that makes things complicated because people will react to their lack of secure attachment in various ways. Not to mention that your attachment style may vary from partner to partner.
But a securely attached person can set and maintain boundaries, while respecting the boundaries that others have in place. They are capable of being vulnerable without oversharing or trying to coax pity. They can express their love or disdain in a situation because they do not fear that they may lose a relationship and if they lose it, they are able to mourn it and move on, respecting the other person’s decision to walk away.
They are able to recognize the emotional state of others because they are connected to the people around them. Whether they do something or not is dependent on their ability to help. They know that everyone has to fight their own battles, otherwise a certain amount of help may foster dependency.
These are the things that illustrate a securely-attached person. But if I were to mention the key to becoming securely-attached, it would be what was said in point #1. If there is any part of you that has any negative feelings towards connection, that is the first and most important thing to change.
Honestly, if that can be addressed changing one’s habits to be more inclusive and less anxious is a far easier task to accomplish. In doing this, you will bring up the past that still is in you and the events and people who caused you to fear connection.
But if you can embrace the emotion you feel, you will be able to let it go. If you go through the emotion, you will find yourself on the other side where finally you get to enjoy the peace you thought could only exist through a relationship or in avoiding relationships.
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Previously Published on medium
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