I had an epiphany this morning.
As I go on in my attachment style series, I have failed to cover one attachment style in depth.
The securely attached people. While the life of a securely attached person is blissful, it comes with its challenges too.
One of the main challenges is when you are securely attached, but your is still on their journey.
I know.
It sounds a little unfair that the conversation redirects toward other attachment styles.
Stay with me!
Securely attached people have an advantage and a secret power that they can use.
You are the link between someone’s personal growth and development in relationships.
You are the guide that someone needs as they transition.
With great power comes great responsibility. You have a choice to make. Do I stay with my partner on their journey or find someone who aligns more with where I am?
I hope someone taking accountability, desiring change, and doing self-work makes that choice obvious.
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Step 1…is…
Are you waiting for it?
Still?
Well, step one is patience and time.
Unfortunately, changing your attachment style does not take weeks or months. It takes years to convert.
As you probably know, your attachment style forms from the relationships you viewed when you were young and those you experienced when you were older.
Your partner has to work through years of negative experiences, challenge their belief system, and learn new behaviors.
Your challenge is going to be as an observer. They are going to flip-flop between new and old behaviors.
They have to unlearn the behaviors they find comfort in resulting from their triggers and learn new behaviors that are a healthy form of expression.
It is going to feel robotic for them, so it is going to take time.
I am not telling you to be a cheerleader for a grown-up, but you need to acknowledge advances in behaviors you notice.
It brings positive reinforcement to have positive behaviors noticed by others.
Action items
One thing I notice that goes wrong in most relationships is people will mention areas they want to see a change in but won’t create an actionable item around doing it.
Think about this sentence: I want more communication.
To some people, that sentence appears as if they have directly stated a need. What did you really say, though?
There are many forms of communication, for starters.
If we are talking about verbal communication, what is creating clear guidance for more communication in your relationship?
Do you have a code word when things get out of hand? Do you have a weekly check-in that is a time to have a safe space to express feelings?
Whatever pillar of the relationship you are talking about needs to come with an action item for your partner to put into practice.
What we fail to acknowledge is that we ask for changes in relationships that are very broad.
When you ask for a change, create a vision for what that change looks like in action.
Since you are the partner of someone in their transition, give them a model and example of what that action has looked like for you.
You have the experience.
Grab a shovel
It can seem obvious but keep learning about your attachment style alignment.
I have covered attachment style compatibility, but don’t stop digging into your dynamic.
Know the triggers and behaviors your partner deals with and also how they counteract your behaviors.
It is the only way to counteract the snowball effect of frustration you might deal with in the future.
You can google any attachment style test and get the mix that forms your partner. You might even be surprised to find that there are still ways you can improve also.
No one is 100% of any attachment style, no matter how secure, avoidant, or anxious they are.
Once you understand that mix, create action items, and stay patient, you will be well on your way to creating a healthy relationship.
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Relationships can turn into a push-and-pull battle if we are not careful in approaching solutions to our dynamic.
We often get caught up in what is going wrong rather than focusing on ways to improve.
Modern dating has taught us that if things are not perfect, leave.
When people say relationships take work, these are the moments that they are unknowingly talking about throughout your dynamic.
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Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Anxious: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Attachment style pairings in relationships.
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Photo credit: Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
