3 Ways You Can Kill a Relationship

One overarching problem plagued my marriage. If my husband disagreed with me, he had a single agenda. He was going to prove me wrong. It wasn’t going to be a discussion.

It wouldn’t be a conversation.

There would be no meeting of the minds.

I had a different philosophy.

The people we love are more important than being right. I’ve taught my children this from a young age. I want them to enjoy their relationships, not be exhausted by them.

My marriage was haunted by a lack of resolution.

It became an unending, impenetrable cloud.

It spoiled love.

3 Ways you can kill a relationship

1. You have to be right

You see arguments as something to be won.

Few of us grew up in homes with great communication.

It’s something we have to learn. There was a time when I felt a greater need to be right. My sister went to marriage counseling, and began to express how to communicate. We resisted.

Old patterns die hard.

One day I was on the phone with her.

“You’re not listening to me,” she insisted.

“Yes,” I said. “I am.”

I hung up the phone, and in a moment of grace, realized she was correct. Thankfully, I was able to see my need to be right was wrong. It was life-changing.

I have plenty of faults, but I’m glad I discarded this one at a younger age.

It drastically improved my relationships.

My husband had no desire to learn how liberating it was.

Arguments aren’t meant to be won, they’re meant to be resolved.

2. You play the victim

If I had a grievance with my husband he viewed it as a personal attack.

Again, it was a reaction I understood.

I grew up without the benefit of great communication.

But sometimes we simply have to apologize. I rarely criticized my husband about who he was. As our marriage counselor said, “You put him on a pedestal.”

It was his thoughtlessness.

His carelessness about disappointing me, or hurting me.

“I’m sorry, I would never want to hurt you.”

It’s all he needed to say. Instead, he would tell me all of the reasons it shouldn’t have bothered me. Worse, he would continue to repeat the behavior.

It made the conflict endless.

If he told me something bothered him, I’d apologize and correct it.

I will make one relationship caveat.

Spouses are not the same as friends. And criticizing someone about their personality is different than resolving conflict. When we love people, we generally accept their flaws.

I usually say, ‘When we’re younger we’re smug enough to tell our friends what annoys us. As we age, we’re wise enough to realize that arrogance.”

The conflict in friendships hopefully pertain to simple things. A little snafu, “It stresses me when you’re late,” or “What you said hurt my feelings,” or “We just have different points of view on politics.”

It’s communicating, rather than casting judgments.

In other words, be careful how critical you are (even though we all can be) because you have faults too. There’s a difference between communicating like a victim, and feeling victimized by a true personal attack.

3. You’re disrespectful

Being disrespectful is a lack of regard for others.

This in itself, sums up why disrespectfulness eternalizes conflict.

A disrespectful communicator doesn’t care about your feelings. Why? They’ve decided they disagree with you. It’s at the core of disrespectfulness.

You’re not going to prove to them otherwise.

They’ve made up their mind.A disrespectful mind is largely unaccessible. It’s why the conflict remains unresolved. They’re stubbornly rigid.

…

These 3 things haunted my marriage. Even though they’re avoidable. They’re the poor communication skills that destroy unions. They kill relationships.

They turn everyday resolvable issues into massive problems. They turn molehills into mountains. Summits that can’t be moved.

They spoil love…needlessly.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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