4 Questions to Ask Before Getting Back with an Ex

I bet you have dealt with the plague of modern times — a toxic relationship.

The one that drains the shit out of you, hoping for change to come while stuck in the waiting mode.

Once the “relationthing” is finally over, you swear to never get back in that life-sucking water ever again. Only to find yourself years later with the temptation of jumping into one.

I get it. Ben and Jen’s comeback may have triggered an avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, and an urge to get back with your ex.

Popular TV culture is telling us on-again-off-again relationships can work out. Think about Ross and Rachel, Carrie and Big, Chuck and Blair, the list goes on.

The pandemic has made us all crave things that are familiar.

Human minds don’t strive for happiness. They strive for comfort.

I am not going to talk you out of not giving the reheated relationship a go. But before you make a decision, consider “looking under the hood” of the relationship.

1. Are you missing the person or the selective memories?

Once the wounds get healed, people romanticize the past while ignoring the bad.

What people fail to realize is that they don’t actually miss the person, but the feeling of being in the relationship.

Is it the thrill of not knowing where you end up? Or it is the other end of the spectrum, meaning stability and security, that you feel the pull towards? Is it fear, desperation or neediness?

If so, they are never good reasons for a big comeback.

Many times our decisions rely on fear. People are more likely to get back together with a former partner when convinced they lack options.

Fear is the worst of advisers. It stems from the mentality of lack. And whatever your intention lies behind the action, the same decision will bring more of it.

Let’s say you want to reignite the old flame because you didn’t find the perfect match on Tinder and are afraid of ending up alone. Well, guess what? That run-down relationship will only provide you with more loneliness, frustration, and fear of losing that person. After all, you have lost them once. What is the guarantee this will not happen again?
Once you become aware of the drive towards the old flame, you can jump into the next question.

2. Is the reason for entering that relationship something I can get only from that person? Or can I provide it myself?

No matter what your answer is, I will let you on a big secret:

You don’t need another person to make you feel complete, whole, free, alive. You name it. You can evoke that feeling sans external conditions. Get in tune with yourself. Spend time on your own. Pursue new hobbies. Discover yourself anew.

Before jumping into the relationship with my ex, I have faced my demons and discovered that I longed for passion and admiration. It was no longer the person I wanted to have a relationship with, but a new version of me I yearned for.

Thanks to my ex, I have confronted who I wanted to be and who I was at that moment. Due to a cosy and stable lifestyle, I felt the urge to switch things up, hence the pull towards rekindling the old flame.

Your identity is not tied up to the relationship or the person you had a crush on. We fail to recognize how powerful we are alone, not crowded by stuff and people. This realization is a great tool to get closure.

3. In what areas have you grown since you were apart?

Are you saying you are a completely different person than you were, let’s say, a year ago?

Exactly. Your ex is too.

Consider if you hope to pick up where you left off. If so, you may be in for a big disappointment. You both grew apart as individuals. Your ex may have cultivated new hobbies, met new people, changed perspective on topics important to you.

What if the breakup is too fresh, and there are still wounds that have not healed? Do you hope for the change of heart while your ex is dangling a commitment as a prize?
Leave the past where it belongs. Far behind.

If you feel the urge to get back into old arguments, save yourself time and sanity by backing off. If you still cultivate resentment towards unresolved issues, talk through painful subjects. Yet, if you find it difficult to move on, the chances of a healthy relationship are very slim.

4. Are you downplaying bad behaviour?

When you think about how your ex-partner has treated you, do you think you would accept the same behaviour from your friend? Going a step further. If your friend were to rekindle the toxic relationship, what would you suggest?

We tend to hold our romantic partners to completely different standards than our regular friends. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t give them grounds to disrespect you.

Consider, why are you so willing to allow your ex coming back into your life? Don’t you believe you deserve better? What unhealed traumas are driving your willingness to gloss over poor treatment?

Remember, your belief about yourself will always reflect the quality of your relationships. What you permit, you promote.

That person hurt you. That person made you miserable and humiliated you. Why does it sound so familiar? Your ex is not the solution to your wounded ego.
Stop fixing other people. Heal yourself first.

Questions to answer on the spot.

Let’s make a quick test based on 3 questions about your relationship. Answer intuitively: yes or no.

Was the relationship based on honesty, respect, communication, trust, and compatibility? (I am not talking about the honeymoon phase, the one you feel like riding a Disneyland all day long. I am talking about the stage where you did argue, where you did stumble, but through vulnerability you have worked through difficulties.)
Was your relationship a healthy and stable environment for your mental health?
Did you have the time to grieve the relationship?

Many a time, the urge to go back to your ex stems from not healing from the breakup. Yet, once you acknowledge the ending and recover, you will look upon the relationship as a closed chapter of your book.

The split can serve as a way to work on those parts that failed during the relationship. When people grow apart, they may discover the value of time to mature as individuals, only to grow back together as an item.

If you can’t point to some serious self-discovery on both sides, it’s guaranteed to end in the same way. It’s important not to get back together based on an economy of scarcity.

— Matt Lundquist, licensed clinical and social worker, a couples’ therapist in New York.

On-off relationships may seriously impact your mental health.

Breaking up and getting back together is related to increased psychological distress, especially when breakup has become a pattern.

Can a broken relationship ever be fixed?

The answer will always be yes.

As long as both parties are willing to commit to nurturing the lost connection and ready to meet halfway through honest communication. If any unfinished business hangs over your heads, you need to tackle it first, truthfully and openly.

Forgive. Forget. But learn.

Pro-tip: Make a list of values and behaviour you want from your partner. Then consider if your ex meets your requirements. Don’t rush the decision. Meditate on it. Real love is patient. It will be there when you are ready.

What if there is no reconciliation on the horizon?

It is okay to miss your ex. Just like you miss certain friends because of cosy memories that slip into your mind. Still, it doesn’t mean you have to bend your boundaries to make room for people who are not the best option for you.

It doesn’t matter who initiated the breakup. The bottom line remains that it happened. They are your ex for a reason.

People come into our lives for a reason, sometimes a season. Relationships are our greatest teachers. A failed relationship is just another lesson. Make notes. Do better next time, but don’t fall back into the same old rut because that will only turn into a school of harder knocks.

I am not telling you to toughen up.

Grieve the relationship on your terms. Appreciate the memories you have made together. Be thankful for the good times. Forgive the bad ones. But always prioritize your mental wellbeing and the privilege to walk away. After all, getting back with an ex can be a pretty traumatizing experience, especially if it fails to meet your expectations.

Old photos and memories are lovely to look back upon, but it is impossible to thrive in them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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