4 Serious Questions You Need to Ask Yourself Before You Ask for Commitment

Many people end up in dead-end, loveless relationships because they settle out of loneliness or are ignorant of healthy dynamics.

They ignore red flags on the first date, but often the best lessons come from failure.

I was inspired to write this after I read Dating Sucks, but You Don’t, by Connell Barrett. It felt like a necessary read after my relationship ended with my fiancé because I churned through girls trying to find a new girlfriend.

The book is missing out on a fourth critical question.

I’m not a dating coach with an officially published book on Amazon, but I know this from experience. There’s more to “choosing” the right partner than identifying whether they’re compatible.

That’s the bare minimum.

I will walk you through his three main points (from my perspective) and one final, missing ingredient.

1. Are you sexually and emotionally compatible?

Does the relationship make sense?

When you’re dating, is there a good balance between passion (sex) and intimacy (emotional availability and vulnerability)?

If so, you get a relationship with fundamental qualities of “feeling right.”

You can read more about what it means to love someone and how relationships may skew towards different “styles” of love, but the short answer is this.

Sometimes love is just passionate sex.

Sometimes love is just deep, vulnerable chats.

Other times love only feels like two adults in a transactional relationship.

Often, it’s a mix of some three, and only when all three things Passion, Intimacy and Commitment does love feel complete.

You can have incredible, orgasmic sex, but if emotional intimacy is absent or you constantly “butt heads” with your partner that relationship is on borrowed time.

Conversely, a strong emotional connection without mutual sexual attraction is just as dull, unfulfilling, or even toxic.

FYI. This is why you might end up “friend-zoned.”

If it doesn’t feel right you’ll know. As long as you don’t ignore your emotions or your feelings.

2. Are you in agreement with important life choices?

Compatibility hinges on having shared values. If you can’t agree on values, forget about asking them to be your partner.

If she wants kids and you don’t, that won’t work.

If he wants to move to a rural town, but you enjoy the hustle of the big city, that’s a conflict.

If you have strongly opposed religious or political values, that could cause too much tension.

Relationships demand compromise, but compromise is not about one person giving up everything to please someone else.

I always keep compatibility at the forefront when I’m dating, perhaps to my detriment sometimes.

Things like:

Marriage
Children
Finances
Politics
Or Religion

Might not seem like the most important thing in the early stages of dating. People get sucked into the whirlwind of chemistry first. But chemistry has a limit. After the honeymoon phase, chemistry — or that “spark” tends to subside.

Then you’ll see whether compatible values have set a strong foundation.

But something can happen if you focus too much on compatible values.

You idealize them too much. I had to learn the mistake of idealizing the hard way a while ago. One girl “ticked” all my boxes.

Same age group, the same non-religious preference, neither of us wanted kids, our political views lined up, and we shared a similar sense of dark and sarcastic humor, music, and the macabre.

She was the type of semi-goth, metalhead I’d been looking for. On paper, she was everything I “wanted.” The right body type with the right attractiveness.

It all lined up.

Considering the dating pool in my area, it seemed unlikely I would meet someone like her again for a long time. So I was ready to “lock her down.”

However, it never worked out. She made the conscious choice to part ways because of her trauma and issues. Since I idealized her and this fairy-tale relationship I wanted, moving on took a while.

3. Are you growing together?

There’s an argument to be made that a relationship doesn’t need to be filled with endless “growth.”

We’ll tackle that in a moment, but there’s a good reason for seeking partners that value growth.

But first, what does growth mean?

A person who values a growth mindset is open-minded, willing to accept one’s faults, compassionate and empathetic, and consistently strives to self-reflect and learn from one’s mistakes.

On the other hand, the wrong partner will be too stubborn, and irresponsible, and they will blame others (that’s toxic). They’re not mindful of how they behave or of their patterns.

In short, they’re inflexible and resistant to growth. In a romantic relationship, that won’t cut it. When a problem comes up, they’re unlikely to work towards a solution. The relationship WILL suffer because of this.

Therefore, if one or both partners don’t continue to develop or grow themselves, the two of you will grow apart.

To return to the “a relationship doesn’t need endless growth” argument, here’s why. If every little problem in the relationship is a “challenge” for personal growth, this will invite unnecessary tension.

A good example was when my ex-girlfriend, whom we’ll call “Becky” had an overzealous concern for me. She had pretty much diagnosed me with depression, despite not being anything close to a therapist. Becky wanted me to “get better”, but her constant dredging up of MY problems was making it worse.

I felt like shit about myself because I was striving too much to “fix” everything.

This isn’t the only conceivable example, but when a relationship’s primary focus is growth, everything — every little aspect can slowly cause the relationship to feel like a project. One person, such as in my example, can feel inadequate. The truth is, I just wanted her to love and accept me. I didn’t need anyone else to judge or criticize me because I “wasn’t where I should be.”

I wouldn’t hesitate to say most relationship issues fundamentally stem from one (or both) partners’ inability to grow and take accountability.

And if you can’t confidently answer “Yes, the person I’m dating shows clear evidence they value personal growth” you will end up in a relationship with a shorter shelf-life than it should.

I’d even argue that the “inflexible” partner will force the other one to bend and morph into someone. If I were you I would ask myself if that’s what you want. Do you want to bend and break for someone who won’t change?

4. Are they intentional about being a partner?

This is where I went wrong and it’s not directly mentioned in his book.

I tolerated or jumped into “relationships” that evolved into situationships because I didn’t know any better.

If they had a heartbeat and we “got along” that was good enough.

But I didn’t consider if they were intentional.

They want a partner without considering the idea of being that to someone else.

This is what I mean, people want their cake and want to eat it too. They want all the “benefits” without reciprocation. They’re willing to play along, but the relationship isn’t a priority.

Even if it’s not a relationship, we all want something. Wealth, a great physique, financial or career success, happiness, a new gadget. Whatever.

Yet, wanting isn’t the same as intending. It’s not any different from fantasizing. Because it’s easy to want, fantasize, hope, or “play” in a relationship without giving back.

Love and relationships don’t “work out” because of wishful thinking.

A real relationship takes effort. How often does your partner:

Plan dates out of their own volition?
Show up on time?
Do they show up at all?
Ask meaningful questions to understand you better?

People want the “benefits” of a relationship: entertainment, sex, intimacy, validation, or companionship without compromising.

The author of Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships, (Dr. Cloud) mentioned a specific young man he counseled.

The young man’s girlfriend was “not making him happy.” He wanted to avoid the routine maintenance the relationship needed. The man wasn’t “having a good time.”

He liked the idea of a girlfriend but didn’t like the idea of being a boyfriend.

“If I’m not happy, something bad must be happening.” And his immediate conclusion was always that the “bad” was in someone else, not him. From his perspective, he was not part of any problem, much less part of the solution. “I think you should get a goldfish…Better get a goldfish. A goldfish doesn’t ask for much. But a woman is completely out of the question.” pg. 109

My last long-term relationship was a perfect example. Things got tough and she found an easy “out.”

When it was over, my partner didn’t care at all. And I think for a while, she was more attached to the “idea” of marriage than actually doing her part to make the relationship work.

The hard part is identifying someone’s commitment. Anyone can say they’re serious or “want” to be in a relationship. But a lot of people aren’t cut out for them.

Or they’re confused or misinterpret what a relationship is. It’s more than “Netflix and chill” or a night out at a restaurant.

Always audit their behavior. Behavior tells you everything you need to know. Forget about how you think or feel about them. Screw the fantasy or the idealized version of what you want them to be

You are in a relationship with their behavior.

If they don’t intend to be a partner, you can forget to ask yourself any more questions.

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Don’t do what I did. I read that book but never stopped to ask if any of the girls I was dating wanted to be a partner. I always took their word for it.

I made assumptions about their dating preferences. But I realized they only wanted the benefits of dating. They didn’t want to reciprocate. Then I’d over-invest, ask for commitment, and get burned on the way out.

Therefore, if you cannot truthfully admit that the person you are dating is intentional about commitment, the following three standards will not matter. Are they the right fit? Are they compatible with your set of values, and finally, do they value personal growth?

Answering yes to all four can save a lot of time from the wrong people.

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