Does it feel like you keep meeting the wrong person over and over again in your dating life? That kind of person who isn’t right for you. The person who drains you mentally and emotionally. Yeah, that’s one of the dating mistakes many people made — including me.
If I could turn back the time and choose not to date those guys, I would. Though it’s true that sometimes you got to make mistakes for you to learn the lesson, but in most cases, I just wasted my time. Like, a lot of them.
But looking back, it all came down to my old belief that thought true love means there are constant butterflies and both parties are on the same page all the time. If that’s not what happens then, it’s not love. I guess this is the product of me watching too many Disney movies.
The reality is relationship takes so much work. You can’t date someone today, and the next month the relationship is already stable and healthy. There are many elements that make it successful.
And that’s not how I think back then. I spent years compromising too much for guys who didn’t even care.
Below is the list of mistakes I made, so you can avoid them in your dating life:
Being too invested physically and emotionally.
Do you say “yes” when he asks you to come over to his place after just a couple of weeks of talking on the phone? Or do you stress yourself out too much, thinking, where does this relationship “go”? If you nod to both of my questions, then something’s got to change.
Because eventually, these questions lead to the same point, which is heartbreak. And this is my mistake, number #1. I’ve heard people told me that love isn’t complicated. If they love you, you’ll know.
I was too caught up with this idea that if I invested a lot and became everything they wanted, they’d just love me as much.
Oh, how I wish life worked that way.
What you can do to avoid this:
Take the dating phase slowly. Don’t get too ahead of yourself. This will help you avoid being too invested when it’s not even a “relationship” yet.
Only put the time as much as they do for you and never go beyond what you feel comfortable with. It’s also important to learn to say “no” in a respectful way.
Changing myself to match their preferences.
Once I dated a guy who likes Rock’ n’ roll. No offence to anyone who is into it, but I personally hated it. We’d spend the evening listening to song after song, and I tried so hard to be excited.
I started adding those songs into my playlist and convinced myself that if I listened to them long enough, I’d like it too.
But after some time, I got so sick of it. And this isn’t the only thing that I changed for him. I also went and beyond to make sure that we both were on the “same page”. As you can guess, the relationship didn’t end up well.
The thing about changing yourself to match someone’s expectation is that eventually, along the road, it builds up resentment. Especially when things don’t go well in the relationship, you tend to blame them because “I’ve changed this or that for you” mindset.
What you can do to avoid this:
Rather than spending your energy to change for someone else, it’s better to choose someone who can accept you for who you are already. Sure, there will be small changes required from both parties to keep the relationship going but not to the point where you have to change the whole you.
The same goes for you to them, and it’s important to keep in mind that you can’t change someone no matter how much they love you. So whatever it is that you see right now, that’s what you get.
Forcing the relationship to work — even if it clearly wasn’t.
How many times do you break your own heart by forcing something to work the way you wanted? Even if you knew it was not going to happen. I wish I could see that this guy Jimmy was clearly not into me.
I overestimated his small efforts and translated them into “he must be in love with me too.”
Sometimes people just want to be taken and have a relationship. Which means they don’t have a full intention of making it work for the long run. For girls, this is a nightmare.
So in hindsight, it’s better to be single than staying in a dead relationship.
What you can do to avoid this:
Don’t let the fear of being single make you put up with the wrong person. We all know deep down when things don’t actually work out.
So if you find yourself putting more effort than you should, then maybe it’s time to adapt to the new mindset that they aren’t right for you. It hurts, but you have to make room for someone who genuinely wants you.
Neglecting my goals and ambitions.
When it came to my career life and goals outside the relationship, I did nothing. I chose to be sad and miserable, thinking about my relationship all the time. To this day, it’s still something I regret the most. I was too focused on making that one relationship work.
Although now I’m in a stable and healthy relationship, things would be better if I could spend at least a little time working on my dreams. That’s what mostly happened with girls in their 20s.
They think love is all they need. That’s why working on their career always comes later. But then, when they get older, they become more practical and realistic with what they actually need in reality.
What you can do to avoid this:
Not until the person you like shows real effort to be with you, there’s no reason for you to revolve your life around them. Trust me, and it’s easier to work on your goals rather than wrapping your head thinking about your love life day in day out.
I’ve been there, and nothing ever comes good from it.
So start investing in yourself. Create that Youtube channel you’ve always wanted to or study hard to get that one scholarship- basically anything that helps you focus on improving your life in general.
Refusing to embrace the single life.
I grew up in an environment where they think being single sucked. I, for a long time, also had this mindset. Until I broke up with my long-term ex recently, that’s when I realized I was much better off alone rather than staying in a relationship that didn’t make me happy.
I know it’s such an abrupt way to appreciate how good it actually felt to be single. But I’ve also seen many people who never got to see the point. They right away jump into another relationship to avoid loneliness.
And guess what? Most of them end up feeling unhappy.
What you can do to avoid this:
These are the things I did to embrace my single life and become much more emotionally secured:
- Going out and doing things alone such as hiking, walking on the beach, eating at restaurants and etc.
- Reading books that help increase my confidence.
- Creating new goals and constantly working to achieve them.
- Saving my money and doing whatever I can to help me understand better about finance.
- Being more kind to myself and make sure to track small wins every day.
Those are the 5 main dating mistakes that obviously I wish I didn’t do in my early 20s. Yet, I still did it. I used to hate myself for making those mistakes, but now looking back, I gained so many lessons.
Another silver lining out of it is that I got to share this with you, and I truly hope that you have a smoother dating experience in your life. In these crazy times, it’s easy to lose yourself and compromise too much in a relationship.
I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t matter how many bad choices you made in the past — you are still worth it and deserve to be loved.
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Previously Published on medium
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