When I first started dating after being single for half a year (due to the failure of my previous relationship) I tried to cultivate as many positive, healthy relationship habits as possible.
I made my relationship a top priority in my life, learned to speak my girlfriend’s love language, always tried to make the first move and listen effectively.
Yet, seven months later, I didn’t feel happier, contented, or more fulfilled.
And I didn’t understand why things consistently seem to be off no matter how hard I tried to make things better.
Put in the hard, loving work or efforts and cultivating strong, intimate, and healthy relationships will be a lot easier is one of the bold promises of the dating industry but I didn’t understand why it didn’t work out for me.
But it’s true: huge and extraordinary endeavors of commitment breeds healthy and great relationships.
Yet what I disregarded is that those endeavors of commitment aren’t worth much if we suck at communication.
Quite often, it’s our little, terrible interaction patterns that break and sabotages the success of our relationships.
The following conversation habits are not easy to give up, but once you let go of them, your relationships will take an entirely new dimension.
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Avoid making conversations seem one-sided and self-absorbed.
Often done without knowing it or should I call it instinctively.
Yet, I realized that referring to oneself and life more than asking others about theirs has ruined a lot of relationships.
In my own case, I often do the talking giving the other person almost no chance to share their thoughts and they mostly end up asking questions while I keep doing my thing.
Most of the time, I just assume the other person is just so into what I’m saying and I’ll keep throwing statements at them without giving them much space to share their thoughts and talk about themselves too.
The truth is, some of the people with such kind of habit are somehow too selfish. We tend to believe that we are the center of the universe, that we are better communicators, that our stories are overly interesting, that our ideas or opinions are too important, or that we’re the ones who can keep the conversation going to avoid dead silence that’s why we keep talking and mostly about ourselves.
Sometimes it’s the other party that is too polite to call our attention and indicate their need to speak or they may be too slow to speak up.
Whatever the case may be, we often end up leaving the other person feeling unheard and this has led to unnecessary misunderstandings and conflicts in a lot of relationships.
Everyone deserves to be heard and to be allowed to share themselves hence, cutting anyone off will spoil things.
Next time you’re having a conversation with your partner or you’re trying to resolve a conflict, ask your partner about their feelings, opinions, stories, etc.
Even if it kind of sounds too simple, caring and asking others about their selves, lives, opinions, feelings are some of the most effective ways to nurture and build healthy and satisfying relationships.
Back and forth conversation is one of the most important keys of effective communication which is also an important factor that plays a huge role in building healthy relationships.
So instead of just making yourself the main focus of every conversation, try to put your conversation partner into consideration and hear them out too.
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Never interrupt for whatsoever reason.
Yes, one of the most repeated pieces of advice we all have heard countless times.
You must have met some chronic interrupters who consistently interrupt you during some periods of conversation.
Such kinds of people are extremely annoying, but what’s even worse is the following:
Incessant interruptions can start to wreak havoc on a relationship.
Hopefully, not yours and mine, but on average, there are a lot of people who can’t resist the urge to interrupt and cut other people off.
They are either doing so because they’re too excited about what they want to say so they can’t wait for the other person to finish or because they’re afraid of forgetting what they intend to say or even due to their narcissistic or ADHD personalities. And most often, they do it without knowing.
Irrespective of the case, interrupting others up to the point that they feel unheard simply tells them that your thoughts, opinions, or whatever you’re saying are very more important than theirs. It tells them that you have little or no respect for them and whatever they might say.
People seldom want and appreciate a partner who consistently interrupts them and makes them feel unimportant and disrespected or annoyed.
What helps me to fight the urge to interrupt my partner or any other person is putting myself in their shoes and think about how I would feel if I get the same treatment.
If you feel like it’s becoming extremely difficult to resist the urge to interrupt, put your conversation partner’s feelings into consideration and challenge yourself to stay quiet and listen attentively. And if you accidentally interrupt, quickly apologize and allow the person to continue.
Lastly, if you must interrupt, like in the case where you don’t understand what the person is saying or you want to correct misinformation that could cause a problem, try to do so politely.
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Learn to control your emotions.
For tons of people, lack of emotional control during conversations has ruined a lot.
Yeah, it isn’t bad to feel angry or any other emotion, but seriously: what good does reacting emotionally or letting your emotions control what you say do?
Probably none.
I’ll say this again, it’s not bad per se to be angry at your partner. Because anger is a normal healthy emotion.
However, there’s a massive difference in how you express it.
Do you vent, scream, or yell at your partner as a way to release your anger?
Do you become aggressive and impulsively do or say things you aren’t supposed to?
When my girlfriend does things I’m not cool with I do get angry.
I do feel like my anger is going to blow off the roof of the house. And that’s quite cool because that’s one of the things that makes me a human.
However, the bitter truth is that most people mistake anger for aggression. While anger is normal and healthy, expressing it aggressively completely isn’t.
Why? Because it mostly doesn’t help matters but worsen the situation or escalates small misunderstandings to huge and very difficult to resolve ones.
On the other hand, suppressing or avoiding it isn’t advisable either because according to Psychology Today, such responses have been linked to a variety of physical and mental health issues, from hypertension to depression.
That’s why you need to always devise or come up with healthy and effective ways to deal with and express your anger.
Excuse yourself, go cool off until you feel calmer enough to effectively approach the problem, and express yourself productively to avoid saying things you might end up regretting.
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Don’t let anything rob you of your attention.
Easier said than done, I know.
Yet, mobile phones, TVs, thoughts, and inner mind chattering have roughened the smooth running of a lot of conversations.
As we all know, listening and making your conversation partners feel heard is one of the most effective ways to foster effective communication and connection.
If you’re truly present and attentive during conversations with your significant other or anybody else, you will be telling them how much you respect them and what they are saying enough not to neglect them by being absent-minded or focusing on your phone, the Tv, or any other thing.
Because being distracted by anything loudly tells them that whatever you’re paying attention to is of much more importance to you than whatever they may be saying.
That’s why you should learn to resist the urge to use your phone, to concentrate on the Tv, and to get lost in your thoughts.
And the easiest way to do so is by participating actively in the conversation, asking follow-up questions, and sharing your opinions and thoughts when necessary. Yeah, it’s as simple as that.
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Never make assumptions before listening to everything.
Listening to everything even when you already know what they’re going to say can be the easiest way to have smooth and productive conversations.
Making your conversation partner feel heard and understood is inevitable for a smooth, effective, and productive conversation.
Hence, by letting go of your assumptions and listening to everything one has to say, you’re paving the way for positive and effective conversation.
The truth is, your assumptions may or may not be true for what they’re going to say. Besides, people find it disrespectful and annoying if someone consistently make assumptions of what they’re saying. And I’m sure you also won’t like that.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
