The famous saying “love blinds us” is a lie. People are rational, and there’s no way we are magically blinded by a spell once we fall in love. Love is a fantasy created by society to make us get married and have children.
At least, that’s what I used to believe. Until reality hit me.
It turns out I’m not above that saying, and I’m not as rational as I’d expect. Love does blind me. To learn this lesson, I had to go through a painful experience. It all started when I met Dan during my first year of University.
We were in the same class, and somehow we ended up in the same group for an assignment. Things happened fast. As it was my freshman year, there was always some party going on. So it was easy to meet Dan at social events. He seemed like a nice guy: intelligent, kind, and cute. Soon, we started going out.
Everything seemed perfect at first. Almost too perfect. We clicked, the chemistry was good, and the feelings were mutual. But it didn’t last long.
Before we got official, Dan showed some serious red flags. Every time, I came up with a different excuse for his behavior. It dragged on for a couple of months until I realized things wouldn’t change. Those red flags were a display of his personality, and I was powerless. All I could do was run as fast as I could. And I did.
These are the red flags you should watch for:
1. They don’t discuss their feelings.
Whether you like it or not, we all have feelings. You have two options: to face or ignore them. The easy choice is often to ignore it. You know, pretend that nothing is going on and avoid confrontation. After all, conflicts are never pleasant.
But mature people take the time to understand their emotions and process them.
Dan didn’t have the skills to discuss his emotions. Instead of having an honest conversation, he’d disappear for days. Typically, this behavior wouldn’t be a problem — he’s an adult and free to make his choices. Except that, when you’re in a relationship, your choices affect your partner. By not discussing his feelings with me, I was left in the dark.
To ignore your feelings is a childish approach. Mature relationships require some level of emotional intelligence, which includes difficult conversations. To avoid these conversations won’t make the problem go away — it’ll escalate them.
2. They call you crazy.
Dan and I never became official, and the lack of label created disagreements between us.
It started when we were at a party, and he openly flirted with another girl — although he knew I was there. Since we’re not a couple, he’s not cheating. But I thought it was disrespectful to do it in front of me. The world is big enough, and it wouldn’t hurt to find some other place.
The next day, I expressed my opinion. I had expected to have a normal conversation. Instead, Dan got emotional. He said I was crazy to try to control him — which in my mind, is not what I intended. That moment, I realized I wasn’t free to voice my thoughts. At least, not when Dan disagreed.
Calling me crazy was a way to make me fully responsible for the problem. In reality, relationships are two-sided, and both parties are responsible. Couples face all sorts of serious issues — from finances to raising kids. If he evades responsibility from the start, he’ll likely continue to do so.
3. They are never available.
After a few weeks, a strange phenomenon happened: Dan disappeared on the weekends. Although we often spoke during the week, whenever I tried to make plans on the weekend, he was always busy. It was like his personality changed — a sweet guy on weekdays but a stranger on weekends.
Everyone has the same number of hours in their day. If they never have time for you, it means you’re not their priority. And yes, priorities are temporary — sometimes work needs more energy. However, healthy relationships know they have to prioritize their partner at some point.
So if you feel like you’re never his priority, you’re probably not. And that’s a red flag.
4. They don’t celebrate your achievements.
Dan had one outstanding quality: he’d always support me during tough times. When I was stressed with my assignments, he’d bring me food, help organize my schedule, and give me space.
Then, when I got the results I worked so hard for, he wasn’t happy for me. Instead of celebrating with me, he acted as if my achievements were not significant. It was heartbreaking.
This change of behavior made me realize that Dan’s help wasn’t genuine. He’d help me when I struggled, not because he loved me, but because it made him feel special. As if he was some superior person — and I was the inferior part, who depended on him.
How a person reacts to your achievements says a lot about them. When you’re down, they feel powerful because they can bring you up. But when you’re growing, they fear losing you or that you become better than them. To celebrate your achievements, especially when it doesn’t benefit them, is a way to leave their ego behind. And toxic people can never do that.
5. They make you insecure.
Towards the end, I became highly insecure around Dan. I was afraid that I’d say something wrong and he’d be upset — and I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. So I avoided talking about my feelings and my achievements. It was impossible to talk about stressful topics.
That’s not how relationships should be. At least, that’s not what I expect.
In healthy relationships, you should feel comfortable bringing up any type of topic. Every relationship faces trouble, and the only way to overcome it is through conversation. If you don’t have space to talk, you’ll never overcome your problems.
Yes, you should be mindful of your partner’s feelings. But overall, you shouldn’t have to worry before starting a conversation. If your partner gets easily irritated and it makes you avoid some topics, this is a red flag.
Dan was a charming guy, and I was blinded for weeks. The red flags were there from the start, but I was too involved in the situation to see them. As soon as I realized how serious the problem was — and how badly it could escalate in the future — I ended it.
If you have trouble seeing the red flags, ask for a friend to help. Someone from the outside can give you an impartial perspective. These signs are not easy to see — sometimes, it’s a bunch of small moments that add up. But if it happens too often, it’s time to run.
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Previously Published on medium
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