“To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future.” — Plutarch
Even the strongest bonds can get frayed.
I know this firsthand. I have experienced it in all my relationships, romantic and platonic alike.
This research study by [Arthur Aron et al., 2000] suggests that feelings of intimacy actually decline over time, no matter how strong they were in the beginning. The study emphasizes the importance of making a conscious effort to connect with our partners over time.
Where is the science in this?
Researchers have spent years exploring the psychology of relationships.
Because of this, they have built a body of work that anyone can use to learn and avoid common mistakes people make in relationships.
Here are 5 Debilitating Mistakes to Avoid in Your Relationship (Backed by Science)
Mistake #1: Stonewalling
According to Wikipedia’s simple definition, stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. To me, it is just silent treatment. The kind of silence that screams volumes, and not in a good way.
Many couples I know have been there.
Mid-argument, frustration bubbles over, and the easiest thing to do is shut down.
“When you learn, teach. When you get, give.” — Maya Angelou
Communication, even during conflict, is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
Stonewalling, the act of withdrawing from communication during conflict, is a recipe for disaster. This scientific research study found that stonewalling is a strong predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and even dissolution.
Why Do We Do It?
In all honesty, conflict is uncomfortable.
Stonewalling can feel like the escape hatch, a way to avoid the emotional intensity of a disagreement. Sometimes, it might stem from feeling overwhelmed or unheard.
Digging Deeper
Think about the last time you shut down during an argument. What emotions were you experiencing? Did you feel unheard or disrespected? Communicate these feelings to your partner in a calm moment. Phrases like “I feel overwhelmed when we fight” or “I need some space to cool down before we continue” can help bridge the gap.
What does the Science say about this?
Research by John Gottman & Robert B. Levenson, 1999 identified “flooding” — a state of emotional overwhelm — as a key factor in stonewalling. Learning healthy communication techniques like active listening and “I” statements can prevent flooding and keep the conversation constructive.
What you can do if you find yourself stonewalling:
Realize that your silence only creates distance. Talk it through with your partner, use “I” statements to express your anxieties, and find a solution together. It might not be easy, but open communication makes all the difference.
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Mistake #2: Keeping Score
When I was a child, we used to play games where we kept track of who got the most points. Unfortunately, that mentality sometimes carries on into adulthood and seeps into our relationships.
Relationships are not about winning or losing.
Many couples fall into the trap of keeping score, holding onto past hurts and using them as ammunition in future arguments.
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually fear you will make one.” — Joyce Brothers
Forgiveness is crucial for a healthy relationship.
Why Do We Do It?
Holding onto resentment feels like a way to protect ourselves from future pain. It can also stem from a need to feel validated and have our feelings acknowledged.
Digging Deeper
Ask yourself why you’re holding onto this hurt. Does it empower you or create a toxic space? Reflect on whether forgiveness (not for your partner, but for your peace of mind) is a possibility.
What does the Science say about this?
This scientific study by Robert D. Enright et al., 2015 demonstrates the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness has been linked to lower blood pressure, reduced stress, and even stronger relationships.
What you can do if you find yourself keeping score:
Early in my relationship, I held onto a minor transgression for far too long. It poisoned our interactions with my partner until I realized it was creating more problems than it solved.
I chose to forgive my partner, not because they deserved it, but because I deserved to move forward, happier and lighter.
If you find yourself keeping score, forgive and let it go. You deserve the peace of mind.
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Mistake #3: Neglecting the Fun
“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” — Dr. Seuss
Life gets busy.
Work deadlines loom, errands pile up, and suddenly, date nights become a distant memory.
Nurturing shared experiences is vital for relationship satisfaction.
This research study by Laura Stafford & Andrew Struthers, 2008 found that couples who engage in enjoyable activities together report higher levels of intimacy and relationship quality.
Why Do We Do It?
The day-to-day grind can easily push shared activities to the back burner.
We tell ourselves “we’ll get to it later,” but later often never comes.
Digging Deeper
Think about the activities you and your partner used to enjoy together. What made them special? Can you schedule some time, even if it’s just a short outing, to reconnect on that level?
What does the Science say about this?
Research by Arthur Aron et al., 2006 explores the concept of “shared novelty” — the excitement and bonding that comes from experiencing new things together. Plan a hike in a new area, try a cooking class, or revisit an old favorite spot. New experiences can reignite the spark and create lasting memories.
What you can do if you find yourself neglecting the fun:
My partner and I used to have weekly game nights with friends. Life got hectic, and the game nights fell by the wayside.
We recently decided to bring them back, even if it is just once a month. The laughter and friendly competition reminded us of the fun we used to have together, and it is a welcome escape from the daily routine.
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Mistake #4: Allowing Jealousy To Rear Its Ugly Head
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt
A little jealousy is normal.
It can even be a sign that you care deeply about your partner.
But unchecked jealousy can morph into a possessive, controlling monster that suffocates a relationship.
Focus on the unique strengths of your relationship instead of comparing it to others.
Why Do We Do It?
Jealousy often stems from feelings of insecurity or a lack of trust. It can also be triggered by past experiences of betrayal.
Digging Deeper
Is your jealousy based on something concrete, or is it more about your own anxieties? Communicate your feelings openly and honestly with your partner.
What does the Science say about this?
Studies by Shelly Gable & Bianca Hernandez, 2003 demonstrate the importance of secure attachment styles in healthy relationships. If jealousy is a persistent issue, consider seeking professional help to explore the underlying causes.
What you can do if you find yourself green with envy:
I used to struggle with jealousy when my partner received work-related compliments from female colleagues. Through open communication, I realized my insecurity stemmed from past relationship experiences. With my partner’s support and some self-reflection, I learned to trust our connection and celebrate their successes.
Maybe it is time you also did some self-reflection if this is something you struggle with.
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Mistake #5: Contempt
Contempt, that insidious feeling of disrespect and disgust directed towards your partner, is a relationship killer.
As author John Gray states in his book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” “When men withdraw, women often feel rejected, and when women criticize, men often feel controlled.”
Falling into a dynamic of contempt creates a toxic environment that erodes love and respect.
Why Do We Do It?
Contempt often builds up over time from unresolved conflicts and a lack of appreciation. Feeling unheard and disrespected can lead to a buildup of negativity.
Digging Deeper
Can you identify the root cause of your contempt? Is there a specific behavior that triggers these feelings? Focus on communicating your needs in a respectful and constructive way.
What does the Science say about this?
Research by John Gottman & Robert B. Levenson, 1999 identified contempt as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships, predicting a high likelihood of relationship failure. Actively work on expressing appreciation for your partner’s positive qualities and focus on building each other up.
What you can do if you find yourself feeling contempt:
There was a period in my relationship where passive-aggressive comments and snide remarks became the norm. We realized this dynamic was destroying our connection.
We made a conscious effort to communicate openly and respectfully, focusing on “I” statements and active listening. It wasn’t easy, but slowly, the contempt dissipated, replaced by mutual respect and appreciation.
I hope this helps you if you are experiencing something similar in your relationship.
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Final Thoughts
I leave you with this quote from Jennifer Love Hewitt,
“We’ve all got troubles. We all make mistakes. But let us not take a little river and turn it into a lake.”
Always remember that communication is a two-way street and that nobody is a mind reader as I mentioned in a prior article.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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