Butterflies, sunshine, and red, red roses. Who doesn’t love love?
We love to make love our go-to. We sigh over its plot, daydream about its potential, and swipe our way to finding that perfect, elusive match. We look for love — and we keep looking.
Yet this same American culture that reveres romance is terminally bad at practicing its more pertinent, practial parts. In Western culture, more than 90% of us marry by age 50 — and around 50% of those marriages end in divorce. When we give it a go a second and third time, divorce rates skyrocket to 67% and 73%.
Why this disconnect? Part of the blame lies in ourselves. And part of the blame lies in the myths of love that our culture promotes and perpetuates.
Looking into these enduring myths can help us see our way out of romantic fiction and into a narrative of love that is more open, honest, and authentic.
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Wenn ich zu einem anderen sagen kann: “Ich liebe dich”, muss ich auch sagen können: “Ich liebe in dir auch alle anderen, ich liebe durch dich die ganze Welt, ich liebe in dir auch mich selbst. ― Erich Fromm, Die Kunst des Liebens
When I say “I love you,” I must also be able to say: “I love in you all others, I love through you the entire world, I love in you also myself.” — Erich Fromm
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5 Misleading Myths of Love & 5 Doses of Reality
MYTH #5 —Love is all you need.
All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need.
The Beatles crooned it — and we believed it. From talk show hosts to Insta influencers, romantic love is the bright red banner this Western culture waves.
The romance flag unfurls, waving high, oh-so-high overhead. And boy, do we chase after it. Tinder. Hinge. FWBs. Polyamory. Hook up culture. Matchmakers. Engagement photo shoots. Alice in Wonderland-themed weddings. Collectively, we’ve all tumbled down love’s rabbit hole.
DOSE OF REALITY — Romantic love is not the end-all, be-all in Nirvana Land. We need the constancy of love in all its various types.
Love isn’t all we need. There’s a bit more to it than that.
Love is a basic human need. In 1965, William Glasser’s Choice Theory established survival as the primary physiological human need. We all gotta live. Thus, we’ve all gotta eat, drink, sleep, move, and mate. Individually and as a species, survival is the first task.
What differentiates us from the other beasts are our other psychological and spiritual needs. After survival, we need 4 additional elements to live a full and fulfilled life: love and belonging, power and competency, freedom and autonomy, and fun.
Love is a basic, beneficial need. We can’t live without it. In this needs-based context, love is a universal. Love is our need to belong to a group, our desire to socially connect, our proclivity to form friendships, our craving to give and receive affection. Our reality is formed and focused by relationships of all kinds. Romantic love is a part and parcel of this category, but it does not stand alone.
Love is a constant. It’s necessary for human life — and human happiness. Perhaps Shakespeare described it best: “Love is not love/Which alters when it alteration finds” (Sonnet 116). True love is steadfast love, whether we find it in family or friends, with strangers, in a tribe, in a nation, or in each other.
Love. It’s a need. A universal. A constant. It is “an ever-fixed mark.” That’s love.
Love is a power which produces love. ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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MYTH #4 — He’ll change. (Also: I’ll fix him.)
You meet him. He’s got that rugged look you like. He’s the right height. Right amount of educated. But, there’s a few things that could use a bit of tweaking. Like his table manners. Those worn-out 501s from last century. That awful red Corvette. His way of eyeballing other women when he thinks you aren’t looking. His every-night 40-ouncer habit. His derisive tone. His membership to the political party on the opposite side of your aisle. His emotional vacancy. That whiff of boyish immaturity.
He’ll change, you tell yourself.
Um, maybe, but that‘s not up to you. He may change or he may not — but it’s going to be his decision and his doing. No one’s changing anyone else. No one’s changing anyone else’s mood, mind, bad habits, tendencies, or temperament. Not even you.
Better to treat view your prospective partner with 20/20 vision instead of fast-forward projection. More WYSIWYG and less fixer-upper. More reality and less fantasy. More Everyday Dude and less Brad Pitt.
DOSE OF REALITY — You ain’t changin’ him. He’s changing him.
People do change. Your handsome, rugged diamond-in-the-rough may transform into a multi-faceted, marvelous gem of inestimable value. But he’s not doing that because of your overactive dreaming, wishing, complaining, or persuading. He’s doing it because he wants to change, and because he undertakes the actions necessary to change.
Take him as he is — or leave him. End of story.
I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his own ways, and not for the purpose of serving me.
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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MYTH #3— He’ll save me.
If you’re a damsel in distress, you may think a hunky hero on a white steed is what you want. But be careful. Guys that present as saviors are sometimes the least likely to be able to help, assist, or partner with you at all. Some wannabe heroes are hapless hunks — they seem like they’ll be there for you (and, boy, will they tell you they’ll be there), but at the first whiff of trouble or travail, they’ll Casper you like crazy (‘cuz they are — crazy, that is).
Other heroic hulks are on the lookout for women in trouble. They sniff out weakness and vulnerability like truffle-hunting pigs. These guys can be predators. You know the types: narcissists, abusers, control freaks. Still others prefer their women weak. Some adhere to archaic roles wherein the man holds the power or the pursestrings — and women are meant to comply. There’s no shortage of sexist scenarios, even in this supposedly modern, enlightened age.
The hero archetype makes for a great myth — but often not a great relationship. Relationships based on major differences in power can turn problematic quickly. Sure, power is never split 50/50 — and it waxes and wanes in every partnership. But establishing a relationship with inequity as a focal point is a recipe for resentment, regret, and rebellion.
Of course, the underlying question remains: why do you need rescuing anyway? Trust me, I’ve been guilty of this thinking also. We women have been handed a tough bag of tricks. We’re expected to work, parent, cook, keep house, stay fit, remain attractive, help everyone out (kids/parents/neighbors/community), entertain, and fuck like rockstars before tumbling into bed exhausted by the expectations hefted upon our ever-sinking shoulders. Who wouldn’t want a piece of salvation at the end of a busy day as a woman?
Instead of a hero, look for a worthy partner. One who will rise to the occasion — whatever the occasion may be. One who’ll be by your side — and stay there. One who quietly, steadfastly, heroically gets the job done, day in and day out.
Looking for a rescuer? Look to yourself, first and foremost. Recognize, validate, encourage, and love the beautiful soul that you are.
DOSE OF REALITY — True heroes don’t ride up on white, muscled steeds. They quietly, diligently, consistently do the work to be a great, mindful partner.
Real heroes are those who value you for exactly who you are and for what you bring to the relationship. They see you as a queen to their king. They’re never the autocrat or dictator. They don’t seize control. They don’t dictate or MANdate. They share power with you. Because you’re their equal. And because they love you for who you are — not for what they can hold over you.
Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love. Where this active concern is lacking, there is no love.
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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MYTH #2 — He’s the One.
When I first started dating, I wasn’t aware of the power of One. After a few years and a few relationships, now I’m hyper-aware of the notion of The One — and I avoid it like crazy.
The One comes in many flavors, sizes, and rationalizations.
I’m looking for my soulmate.
Seeking the other half to complete me.
I won’t stop until I’ve found The One.
The idea of The One is perhaps the greatest, most grandiose fallacy around. It’s part pop culture and part pop psychology. I’m unique — and so is the one who’s meant for me, and only me. The notion of The One is driven by angst, fear, idealization, and the dervish of ubiquitous specialness. It’s also wrongful thinking — and a potentially damaging goal to focus on.
DOSE OF REALITY —There’s a lotta Ones out there. Be choosy, be selective, but don’t get hung up on chasing a fantasy.
This world is filled with billions of people. Somewhere out there, it’s true, there’s someone for you. Realistically, somewhere out there, there’s hundreds and even thousands of someones who just might be a good yin to your yang. Compatibility, like-mindedness, similar values, education level, faith — these and more can show you more about who may be a good fit than the figment of a fantasy.
Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a “standing in,” not a “falling for.” In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving. ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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MYTH #1 — I need him.
We humans have basic needs. We need food, shelter, safety, and community. And we also require love.
There’s a fine line between needing and wanting, between giving and taking, and between loving and lusting. Our lives and verbs are messy. They interweave. They overlap. They intertwine.
Yes, we need love. But we don’t need a man just to have a man. Possession is not fulfillment. And neediness is not based on love.
Yes, we would love a true, steadfast, kind, creative, intelligent, handsome partner. In finding him, we need to be that selfsame person for ourselves that we desire from him.
Because love is, primarily, giving. It is an understanding that you are willing to love — and continue loving — the person who stands before you, sleeps near you, and walks with you. It is wanting someone not out of wanton desire or selfish satisfaction, but out of a willingness to see and serve the love between you. And the love within you.
It’s true: we can’t live without love. But we also can’t live with a selfish, self-serving definition that equates needing with love’s necessity.
DOSE OF REALITY — It’s best to want a man because you love him, not because your wanting comes from a place of lack, fear, or neediness.
Infantile love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.”
Mature love follows the principle: “I am loved because I love.”
Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.”
Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash