It’s not often I tell people to learn to trust more. And neither should you. If you want to strengthen your relationship, don’t focus on telling your partner to trust you. Rather focus on being trustworthy. You’re not meant to impose virtue on others but yourself.
Trust isn’t something we give freely. Trust is earned. So when I speak to couples, I don’t say learn to trust yourselves. Because you can’t convince someone to trust an untrustworthy partner. Instead, I say, learn to be trustworthy. Because trust is the byproduct of trustworthiness.
Below are the five ways I’ve adopted to be trustworthy and create a happy satisfying relationships.
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1. Start with honesty upfront
A relationship is just like a race – if you don’t start properly, the end would be tough.
Right of the bat, start with honesty. Be open and straight with your partner. The Bible teaches us that, “if the foundation is broken, what can the righteous do?”
Getting it right from the foundation makes everything way easier as you build. By being honest and sincere from the start, you’d need not worry about your stories not matching up in the future.
And most importantly, you eliminate the seeds of doubt in your partner. No reason to doubt is a great reason to trust.
2. Avoid secrets and little white lies
There’s an ancient saying that goes; “it’s not the water outside a boat that sinks it. It’s the water that gets into the boat that sinks it.”
What that means is that people and things outside can’t sink your relationship. Only you and your partner within your relationships can do that. Lies and secrets are little tools that we ignorantly use to bore holes into our relationships.
Avoid lies and secrets by all means. If there’s something your partner should know, make sure they hear it from you. Don’t tell stories and cut parts you think ain’t essential. When the whole truth comes out, you’ll realize it’s not your job to decide what’s essential.
Your partner might not see it the way you do.
3. Learn the act of vulnerability
I’m yet to see any form of selflessness that indicates a person is deeply in love as much as vulnerability goes.
To open up and expose our flaws to others scares the shit out of us. In fact, when we love someone, in the early stages, our first assessment of them is to see if we can be vulnerable with them and not get judged.
It’s my belief that everyone seeks a safe space. A place where they can truly be themselves. No make-ups and no masks — to be vulnerable and still be accepted, loved, and appreciated.
By opening ourselves to our partners, we pull them not just into our world, but into ourselves. They get to have a front role seat of all that we are. This deep closeness is how we reel our partner in to trust us.
Vulnerability with our partner is such a powerful way to elicit trust.
4. Create self-imposed boundaries with exes or the opposite sex
Regardless of what you’ve been led to believe, I can assure you, to build trust and a healthy relationship, even in marriages too, you must learn to avoid your exes and set boundaries with the opposite sex.
It’s unfair to beckon on your partner to trust you when you’re all over the place with exes and those of the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter if you can never do anything stupid. Relationships create a platform where the needs of two people must be meant. So it’s not only what you think, but also what your partner thinks.
Like I said earlier, causality precedes effect. Don’t preach trust without first sermonising trustworthiness. Play your own role in the peace and happiness of your relationships.
People are different. If your partner is cool with you hanging out with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, then cool. If they’re not, then learn to adapt.
5. Learn to show a sense of contentment
It’s a debate whether contentment in our romantic partner is a matter of love or one of discipline.
There are times when you find someone that you connect with emotionally and mentally. And these peeps also turn out to match your physical spec. On such rare occasions, it’s easy to feel content.
But whether it’s out of love or out of discipline, learn to have an air of contentment in your relationship. Give your partner a feeling of security. Have an attitude that says you’re where you’re meant to be. You’re not looking anymore.
Show them it’s them and only them. You’re good. You’re all good. And they’re all you want and need.
This show of contentment creates trust. Partners who trust each other love develop a strong faith in their partners.
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I’ve often gotten the question; ‘can we love without trust?’
We can love without trust. It’s possible to fall in love with someone you know very well that you can’t trust them not to cheat.
But without trust, love will not grow. Without trust, relationships die. And without trust, relationships become hell.
However, it’s only a matter of deciding the kind of person we wish to be. If you can’t follow this advice of being trustworthy, let your partner know upfront. Don’t toy with people’s feelings and waste their time.
You might be having fun, but you can’t imagine the psychological and emotional damage you’re causing someone else.
Relationships can be great. All it takes is, to be honest and upfront.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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