5 Healthy Mindsets To Have Before Getting Into a Relationship

In my heart of hearts, I knew I didn’t want to get married. I knew it when I was standing on the altar.

I knew it when I had several fights with my then-girlfriend about the fact that I didn’t want to get married.

I knew it while we were planning the entire wedding. I had time. I could’ve broken it off. I should’ve broken it off. Because I knew.

We had a child out of wedlock. I felt obligated. The minute the news broke, there was pressure from family and friends about ‘doing the right thing.’ But, was it the right thing? Is doing anything in a relationship out of a sense of obligation a good thing?

Interestingly enough, not only did I know I didn’t want to get married, I knew long before that we were never meant to be together in the first place. Prior to the pregnancy, we’d broken up several dozen times.

We were one of those couples who constantly fought and made up. We had two major breakups for long periods of time — I dumped her once, she dumped me once. We had a toxic relationship — daily fights.

So why did either of us stay in the relationship for as long as we did? For a lot of the same reasons most people stay in relationships they probably shouldn’t.

Before I get to the elements of the mindset you should have before going into a relationship, let’s talk about the mindsets that will almost certainly lead to problems in a relationship.

See, it’s often better to figure out what to avoid first instead of trying to find the right answers. As far as where these mistakes to avoid come from? I’ve made them all myself.

Mindsets You Probably Shouldn’t Have When it Comes to Relationships

Using relationships as a loneliness cure — For the longest time, I couldn’t be alone. I always had to have a girlfriend or a ‘situationship’ as the kids say today. Situationships happen because people are afraid to be alone and would rather string someone along for companionship than be by themselves for a little while.
The sunk cost fallacy of relationships — The amount of time you spend with someone doesn’t make you obligated to stay with someone. That’s the trap we fall into. We think that just because we’ve spent x amount of time with someone, we owe them space to ‘work things out.’ And this can be true for some people. But in my life, my instincts and gut feeling that I wanted out turned out to be one hundred percent right every single time.
Using romantic relationships as validation — Seeking validation in relationships can come in a variety of forms. For me? It was having an attractive partner and using her as a trophy. Right or wrong, this is the truth. For others, it’s simply being someone that’s worthy enough to be in a relationship. Some might siphon validation from the career or status of their partner. Any form of seeking validation outside of yourself tends to be misguided, and it’s especially true in relationships.
The idea that a relationship will make you feel whole — Even though I didn’t always love being married, the idea of being a married man with a family was comforting to me. It was a solidified identity I could rely on, even if that identity was built on a house of cards. Then, when the relationship crumbled, I found myself having to build a new life from scratch with a sense of emptiness, like a part of me was now missing. Had I maintained an identity of wholeness throughout my life, I wouldn’t have fallen into so many relationship traps in the first place. This is still something I’m working on. It’s something we’re all probably working on. And perhaps the process never quite ends.
Any relationship mindset that comes from societal expectations — The list is long. You should get married if you have a kid. You should get married, period. You need to have kids. Monogamy is the only way. A picket fence and 2.5 kids are the American dream. You should have a long-term relationship by a certain age. You shouldn’t sleep around. You know the tropes. And you’re the only one who can decide what’s right for you.

So what mindset should you have before going into a relationship?

Well, I can’t give you any super definitive answers because I don’t know you. I’m not a relationship expert. I’m just a guy who’s loved, lost, loved, lost, and done it all over again.

So, just like I’ve told you insights about what not to do based on my mistakes, I’m going to tell you some insights based on the way I’m living my life now.

…

My Personal Mindsets When it Comes to Relationships

Life is too short to be jaded — Each experience I have with a new partner is an individual experience I have with that person. I do my best not to carry over baggage from past relationships or project expectations on new partners based on past experiences. I don’t feel sour about getting divorced at all. In my life, period, I try to look at outcomes as lessons. Instead of using the past to build a hardened heart, I’ve become more open. You can’t experience love without the possibility of pain — they operate on different ends of the same spectrum and wavelength. If you try to avoid pain in relationships and you’re constantly guarded, how can you be open to something real?
Relationships are a complement to my life, not a main source of validation — This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t care deeply and put my all into a long-term relationship, I would. But I’m not going to construct an identity around a relationship again. I’m focused on living a life that I love. I’m more than welcome to let people into that experience and of course, make compromises when need be, but I’m no longer going to make decisions from a place of needing a relationship to work. And I’m not going to analyze every relationship I’m in as saying something about who I am. The goal is to be in a relationship of two whole individuals instead of a co-dependent and validation-seeking partnership.
I have no timetable for getting into a long-term relationship — I feel no pressure to get into a long-term relationship just because I’m 31 years old. I could fall in love a month from now or five years from now — doesn’t matter. I don’t go on dates wondering if she’ll be my next girlfriend. I just go on the date, have a good conversation, stay in the moment, and see what happens next. This isn’t just a mindset I’m using for dating, it’s a mindset I’m using for my whole life. We’ll see what happens. I’m not even knocking the idea of dating with intention. Could be right for some. But for me, I’m staying present.
My relationship with myself has a huge impact on my romantic relationships — I once wrote an article about having to learn how to be alone after being in a relationship for 7 years. Long story short — crushing loneliness shortly after the split lead to me discovering a bunch of new things about myself — who I was, what I enjoyed, my values, etc. I also took time to think about all the ways that my self-perception created problems in my past relationship. I didn’t focus on blame. I took the approach that everything in my life was my responsibility. And even though I can’t control other people’s behavior, my own behaviors and projections onto other people at least play a part in the way they behaved. And I also realized that I could’ve always got out had I been okay being alone in the first place. Moving forward, my attitude is always focused on getting myself right. This is a never-ending process. And it’s also the most useful process for myself and, I’d argue, most people, to go through.
Honesty — I’ve been disingenuous a number of times in relationships and I no longer plan to do that. Moving forward, I’ve decided I’m going to be honest about wherever I’m at mentally when it comes to relationships. No more stringing along for fake relationships that last a year and waste both people’s time. No more trying to play a certain role to get what I want. No more pretending to be happy when I’m not. And no more lying to myself. That’s the hardest part “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.”

I didn’t necessarily give a ton of concrete or amazing answers here, and that’s because human relationships are complicated. At best I can hint at some general patterns that I’ve observed.

You might totally disagree with my opinions. And even though I’ve tried to be objective, it’s clear that I’m still using biases and projections when it comes to the arguments I’ve made. It’s clear that the past still influences my thinking today.

So, what should you do with these answers?

Analyze them. Keep the ones that make sense and discard the ones that don’t. analyze yourself and always try to see what mindset and space you’re coming from when it comes to your relationships.

But, also, don’t spend your whole life analyzing. Be free. Be present. And definitely be open.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***