Putting yourself out there when you’re not emotionally ready is a bad idea.
And yet, the dating world is full of people who aren’t in the right mindset to start dating — and complicate the lives of those who are.
While unfortunately, you can’t control the behavior of others, you have control over your own thoughts and actions.
And putting yourself out there when you’re not in the right place to navigate dates, romance, and love equals heartbreak and pain — just for your dates as for yourself.
If one of the following reasons/statements applies to you, it would be wiser to give yourself some more time before you re-enter the dating pool.
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#1. You Want to Date Due to Society’s Pressure
Let’s face it: single people are stigmatized — especially women.
There’s this misconception that single people are unhappy and miserable and need a partner that’ll make them feel “whole” — the media has done a great job in keeping that myth ingrained in our culture.
Combine your family’s pressure to find a partner (“when will we see you get married and have kids?”), peer pressure, and the consequences that come with being long-term single (e.g. prejudice, cultural stigma) and how could you not feel the urge to enter the dating pool — even when you don’t really want to —?
The problem is that, if you start dating due to society’s pressure, you’ll be doing it to please others, not yourself. That will bottle up feelings of bitterness and resentment — which you might take out on your partner.
You’ll also probably not take the time necessary to get to know a potential partner, but rather jump into a relationship with the first person available just to “get it done”.
Wouldn’t it be much better to start dating on your own terms, the moment you truly feel ready?
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#2. You’re Emotionally Unavailable
The phrase “emotionally unavailable” is being tossed around a lot online, and many people misinterpret its meaning.
You see, you don’t have to be a bad person, a narcissist, or a player to be emotionally unavailable. Sometimes, emotional unavailability is a result of:
- a rough breakup
- emotional trauma
- experiencing extremely negative things in a previous relationship (e.g. being cheated on, abuse)
- developing a mental health disorder, like depression or anxiety
All the above situations have one thing in common: they drain you from the emotional energy and eagerness required to form and invest in a new relationship.
Dating under these circumstances is a waste of time — you won’t be able to open up, communicate properly, or get intimate with someone — and you’ll end up hurting innocent people.
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#3. You Don’t Know What You Want
At some point in your life, you might find yourself lost and unable to specify what you’re looking for in the love department.
That’s completely normal and understandable — BUT it’s also one of the reasons you shouldn’t put yourself out there.
When you date with no specific expectations and dating goals in mind, you might end up:
- getting attached to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons
- being taken advantage of
- waste your time on people who are a bad fit for you
- waste other people’s time (who have specific dating goals that you might later realize don’t match yours)
In other words, it’s wiser to put dating on hold, until you do some self-reflection and specify whether you want a relationship or something casual, as well as what you expect from a partner and what you are willing to give them in return.
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#4. You Feel Lonely
Loneliness is another big factor responsible for making stupid decisions regarding dating — first and foremost, putting yourself out there when dating is the last thing you should be doing.
A lonely heart often equals a confused mind, and those two things combined are a recipe for disaster.
Entering the dating world for the sake of filling the void of loneliness inside you has almost always negative consequences both for yourself as well as for the person (or people) you choose to date.
You’ll probably jump into a relationship with someone you don’t know so well/who’s a bad match for you/you don’t even like that much. Plus, relationships built on loneliness never last long — meaning, you’ll soon find yourself alone and feeling lonely…again.
Before you put yourself out there you need to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons — and feeling lonely isn’t one of them. Instead of dating, how about you try to fill your life with interesting activities, start a new hobby, or spend more time with friends and family?
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#5. You Haven’t Worked on Your Emotional Trauma
If life worked like the movies, we would all find a caring, sentimental, and loyal partner early on.
Unfortunately, sometimes not only relationships aren’t all magic and rainbows, but they can also prove to be very traumatic experiences.
If your previous relationship involved emotional or physical abuse, healing from the trauma it left you with is essential before you get into another relationship. Otherwise, unhealed trauma can manifest in multiple ways in your next relationship, such as:
- low sense of self-worth
- codependency
- fear of being abandoned
- difficulty with vulnerability
- trust issues
It’s important to take the time you need to process and heal from your trauma before putting yourself out there again. Otherwise, you won’t be able to support a healthy relationship and you’ll end up hurting yourself as well as your partner.
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Putting It All Together…
Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely.
Although the idea that being single equals being miserable is ingrained in our culture, in reality, rolling solo comes with many benefits — rediscovering yourself, having more time to do the things you like, and being more peaceful, among others.
And, if we’re being honest, it’s much better to be single than start dating for the wrong reasons. So, before you put yourself out there, make sure:
- You want to date because you feel like dating, not because you feel pressure from society/your family/your friends.
- You’re emotionally available.
- You know what you want.
- You’re not doing it to fill the void of loneliness inside you.
- You have worked on your emotional trauma for previous relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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