Have you ever had obsessive thoughts about your ex after a break-up?
I did a 1,000$ love boot camp with one of the leading break-up experts, Susan J. Elliot. I listened to all her podcast episodes and read her articles. I used her advice after my break-ups and it was the reason I got over them much quicker.
I frequently recommend the following 5 mantras to my clients. Repeating them will help you break your cycle of addictive thoughts.
1. It Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter
After a relationship ends we have a lot of “What if” questions:
- What if I didn’t say/do this or that back then?
- What if we only worked on the relationship harder?
- What if they only told me earlier?
- What if I just accepted XYZ?
Ruminating about what’s gone is detrimental: it keeps you stuck in the past. Worst case, it can even lead to depression or suicidal thoughts.
Once you catch these “What if” thoughts, immediately stop them by using the mantra “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter”. Because it truly doesn’t. The past is gone forever and not even a saintly person can change it for you.
Don’t even try to answer the “What if” questions. You will only spin a story in your head that isn’t true. You can’t create a new story for the past. The only thing you can change is this moment by stopping the thought, and that will create a new future.
2. Every Second You Spend in Their Head Is a Second You Could Spend in Yours
It’s normal to think about your ex-partner’s life, but it can become obsessive if you keep wondering about their life too much:
- I wonder if they already have a new partner.
- I wonder what they are doing right now.
- I wonder what they told their family and friends.
- I wonder how they spend their leisure now.
If you think too much about your partner’s life, remember: every second you spend in their head is a second you could spend in yours!
It might not feel like it right now and you’ll hate me for saying this but your break-up can become the best opportunity ever. Your old life is gone and you have countless options to create a new life.
What is something you’ve always wanted to try but your partner didn’t want you to? Want to learn a new language? Want to quit your job and tour the world? Want to go to a sex-positive party?
You’ve gained a lot of time by losing your partner. Fill that time with things you love, new adventures, and opportunities. Focus on rebuilding your life instead of wondering what your partner might be doing.
3. Does It Hurt When You Do That? Then Don’t!
You open your Instagram. You type your ex’s name. You see a new pic of them and suddenly feel a sharp pain inside your chest.
Before you engage in any behavior after your break-up, ask yourself: Does it hurt when I do this?
If the answer is yes, then don’t do it! Write a list of 10 things that you’ll do instead that you can come back to in those moments.
Typical hurtful break-up behavior often involves:
- Stalking your ex on social media
- Asking mutual friends about your ex’s life
- Looking through old pictures
- Reading through past conversations/love letters
- Driving past your ex’s house
- Going to places where you think you encounter your ex — restaurants, work, bars
If you are being honest to yourself, you don’t feel good after doing the above things. They will only lead to more questions popping up in your head. That will start another vicious cycle of obsessive thoughts.
You are grieving and are already in a lot of pain. Don’t add more fuel to the fire.
4. Put the Focus Back on You
What is the most important thing you should do after a break-up?
Take care of yourself. Yet, your brain is wired to care for the loved one you’ve just lost.
- What if they are really sad?
- What if they need my support?
- What if their sick grandma died?
If your helper syndrome kicks in, put the focus back on you and take care of your feelings. Because if you don’t, nobody will do it for you!
By worrying too much about your ex’s well-being, you are distracting yourself from your pain. Yet, going through your pain will help you get out of it. Everything else will only add to suppressing it.
Feel your feelings, journal about your grief, talk to a professional, and don’t forget to reward yourself for it! Take a bubble bath, go for a massage or treat yourself to some Chinese take-out.
5. Discount It All
This mantra will probably give you the most resistance. If your partner left you, you’ll likely encounter the following thoughts:
- But they said they want to get married and spend the rest of their life with me!
- We had sex the night before our break-up and they said how much they loved me!
- They said I was the best thing that ever happened to them!
When you feel stuck in all the lovely things they said to you, the best option is to discount it all. I know it hurts because you are human and just want to be loved and appreciated.
When I started working with this mantra I heard a voice inside my head saying “But I want the things he said to be true! I want to be the best thing ever!”. Then, I had a moment of enlightenment: It’s my task to tell myself those things until I believe and become them. Your self-worth shouldn’t be built upon words others once said to you.
Truth is, you’ll never know if your ex meant those things back then. You can’t read their mind. Chances are your ex doesn’t even know if they meant them. Discounting romantic phrases helps you realize that love is an action and not words.
Final Thoughts
Remember: your breakup doesn’t have to break you.
Coming back to the above mantras in challenging moments won’t always be easy. Yet, I promise they’ll help you get over your ex sooner and gradually stop obsessing about them.
You deserve the be free from your past. Start today by applying the above advice.
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Previously Published on medium
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