While the world of dating doesn’t have any rule books or any strict guides one should follow, there are quite a few things you should avoid.
I grew up with several of these misconceptions permanently engraved in my mind, and it wasn’t until I took a huge step away from dating that I realized they weren’t true in the slightest bit.
I debunked several of the rules I grew up with and am now in a happy and healthy relationship of nearly 3 years. I can confidently say that wouldn’t have happened had I continued to believe them.
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Women shouldn’t make the first move.
Dating site Match told Business Insider that women initiate only 18% of emails between men on Match.
Another Match survey found that 90% of American men (not just Match users) say they’d be comfortable with a woman asking them out.
How often have you heard that men should always make the first move? How often did you let a good opportunity to meet a cute guy pass you by simply because you or your girlfriends told you, “No, no, no, wait for him to make the move first.”
Yes, you absolutely can wait for the guy to make the first move; in fact, it’s incredibly sexy when a guy initiates something first. However, some guys are shy. Some guys are oblivious. Some need a little bit of guidance, and in times like that, approaching them first or showing your interest first is 110% okay.
There’s nothing wrong with being bold and telling the person you’re interested in that you’re interested.
I messaged my partner first, and it’s definitely one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
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You should wait X amount of time before responding to their message.
You know the texting game. You’ve probably done it yourself hundreds of times.
It’s when you’re texting someone you’re interested in, but when you see they take X amount of time to respond, you double X instead of replying immediately. You want to “keep them on their toes” and not come off as too eager or desperate.
It’s not surprising to me that people still do this. My friends did it in middle school, and I always thought it was odd. If you like them, why not be upfront with your feelings? Who cares if they think you’re being eager?
At the end of the day, we’re not getting any younger, and if you’re playing the texting game into adulthood, you’re wasting your time. If you’re genuinely interested in someone, respond to them in a timely manner.
Now, if you’re on the other end of the stick and the person you’re talking to is taking days or hours to respond, and it’s becoming a pattern, identify whether they just have a lot going on or if they simply don’t care enough to communicate with you.
If it’s the latter, maybe it’s a sign that a relationship isn’t a priority to them at the moment.
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Conflict means your relationship is not the right one for you.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any romantic relationship because it allows individuals to learn how to communicate effectively and make positive changes within themselves and their relationships.
I used to believe if problems were arising in a relationship, it must mean something is wrong, and you should leave immediately.
When I first started dating my partner, our first argument resulted in me saying something along the lines of, “well, I guess we just don’t work.”
This was obviously incredibly hurtful for my partner. He didn’t understand that my first instinct was to walk away because it’s what I was programmed to do after years of seeing it happen around me.
I was never surrounded by happy and healthy relationships growing up. My parents argued all the time, which led to them separating. When my mother remarried, she and my step-father argued all the time, which led to them divorcing.
This led me to believe that if two people fight or have any conflicts, it means the relationship can’t work.
“If a couple told me they never fight, then I would be worried.” — Licensed marriage and family therapist Kiaundra Jackson.
No two humans will ever process life in the exact same way. We all have different personalities, thought patterns, emotional responses, and instead of viewing conflict and arguing as a bad thing — utilize it as a growth opportunity. A way to learn more about yourself and the person you’re with. A way to work together as a team.
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You’ll find “The One” quicker if you date everyone.
I have a friend who, to me, sounds like she’s dated just about everyone.
Mind you, I live in Los Angeles, and there’s a whole lot of people in this city. It just feels like every time we talk or meet up; she’s talking to someone new.
There’s nothing wrong with that. If you want to casually date and date a lot of people, do you, but if you’re under the assumption that by dating passively, you’ll somehow stumble upon “The One,” you’re just wasting your time and energy.
The right person comes when you least expect it. They come when you’re so lost in your own life and your own passions you don’t even notice them squeezing their way into your life.
Dating isn’t a numbers game. If you’re looking for “The One,” then it’s better to date a few people who you genuinely feel are a good match rather than trying on dozens of different shoes and hoping one magically fits you despite you knowing you’re a size 7 when trying on a size 12.
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Love conquers all.
Anything and everything can be worked out between two people who are in love.
I used to believe that. This might be why I dated men who had different religious beliefs or why I dated men who never wanted to get married and have kids, despite knowing I wanted those things.
This might be why you’re dating someone who you know is completely wrong for you.
Lifestyle goals, beliefs, morals, and views are all the core of a person’s sense of who they are. The majority of the time, these things are not easily compromised, and if you go into a relationship thinking they’ll change their mind, or worst, you go into the relationship without figuring out all of those things first, they can become a recurrent source of conflict for the two of you.
No matter how much the two of you care for one another, if you can’t come to terms with the significant differences between the two of you and resolve them, your love for one another will not be enough to sustain a long and happy relationship.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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