A friend of mine just ended a situationship. It was pretty new, a little more than casual, but they weren’t on the same page.
He wanted consistency, transparency, and tenderness. But she was looking for someone to “hit the spot” without strings attached.
It’s a classic tale of two people with off-the-charts chemistry wanting two different things. In another lifetime, they may have been able to make it work. But in real life, their intentions were misaligned.
Although their cuffing season romance was short-lived, it was one of the most mature, healthy adult relationships my friend has ever had.
“She was honest with me. I’ll give her that,” he said. “We were both upfront about what we wanted and didn’t want.”
Despite the not-so-fairytale ending, it got me thinking: what are the non-negotiable elements for healthy mature adult relationships?
Physical and Emotional Safety
Human relationships are rife with dysfunction and abuse —but they shouldn’t be.
Physical and emotional safety is the bare minimum of what we ALL deserve.
We should be able to exist without fear, share our feelings without dread, and seek solace in our inner personal communities.
But the truth is, while this is the least violent time in human history (surprising, I know), we are still trying to get the hang of this relationship-ing thing.
And because our ancestors did not have the privilege or luxury to exist without the threat of imminent danger, they never learned how to be a physical or emotional safe space for someone else. As a result, they couldn’t teach it to their children or pass it down through their DNA.
Now, here we are.
Times have changed.
Survival means something different.
Gone are the days of running from lions and tigers and bears (for the most part). And while war, genocide, respectability politics, book banning, racism, blame, and shame still exists —we are in choice.
We have the great fortune to decide how we show up in our relationships.
We can be intentional about how we express anger, disappointment, and frustration.
We get to practice non-violent communication.
We can opt to keep our hands to ourselves.
We get to confine our crude judgments and salacious opinions to the space between our ears.
And in our most beloved relationships, we can provide physical and emotional shelter from the outer elements.
We can validate without understanding. We can listen without casting verdicts. We can use our words to heal instead of harm.
Physical and emotional safety is the #1 requirement of healthy, mature adult relationships.
Uninhibited Expression of Love and Affection
Like many folks, I didn’t grow up in a household where love and affection were freely expressed. But at this big ol’ age, I have learned that whether someone feels loved by you is far more important than who you say you love.
Naturally, we all have a backstory that gets in the way of our ability to give and receive love.
Love is a risky business.
It makes us feel vulnerable and exposed. And when we chance it, we always run the risk of being rejected.
Scary stuff, right?
Our world gives us plenty of reasons to resist, avoid, and hide from love. But assuming you’ve entered a relationship with a healthy individual(s), leaning in is the only right next step.
When love is offered without restraint, it’s healing for both the receiver and the giver.
I choose to love my partner wholeheartedly, even when we are at odds, because, like Maya Angelou said, “love liberates.”
The uninhibited expression of love and affection is like solving for X. When you remove the barriers, ahem, variables, there’s nothing left but space and opportunity for love to blossom.
Words, Deeds, and Actions
Remember when a person was only as good as their word? Yeah, I don’t remember either —but I’ve heard stories!
These days lying is easy and familiar, but not for the reasons you might assume.
Again, we are living in unprecedented times. Everything you say or do is immortalized now and forever more. And trust me; Google has a memory like an elephant.
But you can’t live your life avoiding faux pas. However, you can strive to be intentional with your words. You can do what you say you’re going to do. And try not to leave people hanging.
Sure, the unexpected will happen, things will come up, and life will venture into unknown territory. But dropping the ball, having loose lips, and doing harm is almost always a choice.
Keeping your word builds trust. Following through strengthens connection. Reliability is a sign of self-respect and integrity — and it also makes others feel like they matter.
And we all want to feel like we matter.
So don’t be a flake.
Uninterrupted Time and Attention
A couple I know is constantly at odds because their phones have become a third party in their relationship. Whether they’re out and about or vegging on the sofa, those little handheld computers have become a barrier between them. And it’s killing their connection.
Attention is currency.
Hear me when I say this — the things you spend your attention on become what matters most, no matter what your mouth says.
Physical proximity is not enough.
You can be sitting right next to someone and feel alone. And guess what? Loneliness is malignant, not benign. The consequences of being in a relationship where one or both people feel alone are dire.
While it’s okay to spend time apart together, that should be the exception, not the rule. Prioritizing talk time, cuddles, shared meals, and meaningful moments over mindless scrolling will strengthen your relationship.
Believe that.
Apologies, Gratitude, & Forgiveness
People in healthy mature adult relationships apologize quickly and often. I admittedly have not always been one of those people.
I used to think that apologizing was about right and wrong. But that’s not true.
Apologies are an accountability tool —an acknowledgment of misaligned behavior, so to speak.
When done right, without defensiveness, blame, or shame, apologies mend and heal the tiny (or cavernous) fissures in connections.
Likewise, gratitude should make frequent and regular appearances in every relationship.
The people in my life know that I am persistent in expressing gratitude.
I appreciate you for taking good care of you.
Thank you for sharing your time with me.
You have a way of making others feel seen—thank you.
Gratitude is the most potent currency in the universe. It’s about connection, love, and belonging.
Then there is forgiveness.
Forgiving someone can feel like a massive weight off your shoulders… after the fact.
But forgiving can feel unimaginable when you’re in the thick of it. Primarily because of the stories we tell about whether or not the punishment fits the crime.
Forgiveness is not about punishment or redemption — it’s about healing and moving forward. And in mature, healthy relationships, forgiveness is a salve that initiates rehabilitation.
But it’s not magic. It doesn’t undo harm or dissipate pain. And it doesn’t always result in reconciliation either.
Much like love, forgiveness liberates. It disrupts destructive cycles and makes way for restoration.
…
Humans first appeared on the third rock from the sun (earth) approximately 300,000 years ago. And after all this time, we still struggle to relate to one another.
The good news is most of us know better, “and when we know better, we do better.”
So I encourage you to make room for more love. Keep your word. Offer your uninterrupted attention. And apologize, be grateful, and forgive — often.
Be the kind of person you’re seeking, and you’re sure to find the type of relationship that checks most of the boxes.
As for my friend…
He’s good.
This experience taught him that forever isn’t the only option for a happy ending.
“I felt seen and heard. I was loved for a little while,” he said with a smile. “And that’s a good thing.”
…
Here are my 7 secrets to building more intimacy in romantic & platonic relationships.
Stacey Herrera is a relationship-ing practitioner, jalapeño fiend, and chronic library fine payer. She’s also an Intimacy + Relationship-ing coach residing in the Port of Los Angeles. She is the author of three tiny books: How to Give Amazing Head, Aftercare — 21 Things to do After Sex, and Relationship-ing.
Looking for juicy content about sexuality and relationships? Join the SexIRL community on Substack.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Everton Vila on Unsplash
