5 Painful Lessons a Narcissist Taught Me

To those who fall in love with narcissists, I give you my sincerest sympathy. You are in for a world of heartbreak. I learned a lot of painful lessons with mine.

He lured me in with his sad broken-hearted love story. She’d broken his heart and gone back to her man and left him. He said that unlike most women, she had her own interests and was never the jealous type.

Yet he’d driven her away. He admitted it. And no one else could ever compare to this woman who he couldn’t commit to.

He made me want to be perfect like she was. He’d set her on a pedestal and no one else was ever good enough.

He referred to his other exes as “psycho.” And he told me I was not like other women. I was different.

Here are 5 painful lessons I learned.

That some people aren’t totally honest with you

Narcissists have to protect their false self. Although they may not normally lie, they will often lie when they’re starting a new relationship.

In the beginning, I was so bedazzled by love, that I assumed he would be as truthful as I was. Yet, he wasn’t truthful with me.

His main method of not being straight with me was to omit important facts and be vague about his life.

He convinced me that I was special to him. Then I found out he did that to everyone he knew. He had a long string of admirers who all thought that they were special to him. And none of them knew about the others.

He compartmentalized everyone in his life. Long-term female friends didn’t have a clue the others existed. Everyone thought they were the chosen ones.

And he’d minimalize those friends to his other friends.“Oh, that’s the girl I know from the gym.” The woman who was clearly in love with him and cooked for him twice a week was nothing special to him.

That some people are incapable of loving someone

Fact: Narcissists are wounded people too. They were raised in an environment where they were never loved for their true selves. Either their parent was highly critical and only appeared to love them when they made the parent look good, or they were only rewarded when they supported the parent and devalued themselves.

They grow up with an appetite for narcissistic supply. They need people to constantly validate them and make them feel special, and above others. Deep inside they feel empty. They use and manipulate people to keep elevating themselves. People are easily exchangeable and only in their lives to suit their purposes.

No one must discover their secret- that they loathe themselves and hide their true selves because they feel unworthy of love. Therefore they are their own biggest enemy. They’ll stop themselves from loving someone because they believe they’re unlovable.

Empathetic people with poor boundaries are drawn to narcissists. They idealize them and want to save them. This is a recipe for disaster. And some of us have to learn the hard way. You can’t get someone to love you who isn’t capable of it.

That some people will only use and manipulate you

Narcissists often find codependent people to use to help them out. They know this person adores them and will do anything for them, and they fully take advantage of it.

It’s painful to realize that you never meant anything to someone you did everything for. You would have done anything to save them, and yet they still referred to you as someone insignificant to them. You’re just the one they know from the gym. Nobody special.

Here’s how you know you were that person. When you asked them to help you out they were nowhere to be found. They were too busy to help you. Yet when they needed something, you were the first person they asked.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn in my own life. You should never give too much to someone who isn’t reciprocating. No matter how much you love them. If a relationship with anyone is unequal, it’s a red flag. People who love you will give to you as much as you give to them. It won’t ever be manipulation.

That some people can’t be monogamous

Because narcissists need a constant source of supply, they have to have new conquests all the time. This is the most difficult lesson.

I can totally emphasize with all the women who loved the narcissist I knew. They all thought they were special. They didn’t know about the others. They were all shocked and jealous when they found out they weren’t the only ones.

He left a string of broken hearts wherever he went. Because it was always about him, about what he needed. He would value the person until they didn’t do what he wanted. Then he would start devaluing them and was already involved with someone else.

Imagine loving someone. Then they start devaluing you because you aren’t doing enough for them. Then you find out they’ve been bad-mouthing you to their friends.

You believed them when they said you weren’t like the others they had left behind. These were the same people they sometimes let back into their lives, just to discard again.

Then you find out it was a lie all along. Because they’re already with someone else. Do you know that friend that’s coming over and helping them with their home repairs and cooking for them? The narcissist told you they’re just a friend.

Yet the narcissist’s friends think they are in a relationship. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

Some people aren’t happy with just one person. They are incapable of being in a normal relationship.

When you meet someone attractive, charming, and witty, and they’re unattached, find out why. If this amazing person has never been in a relationship for more than three months, beware. And if you see them returning to exes just to devalue them again, that’s a red flag.

That some people can forget you in a blink of an eye

The worst thing about loving a narcissist is this. They will forget you, the second you aren’t useful to them anymore. They’re gone, in a blink of an eye.

You were always replaceable. There’s always someone else that can do what you did for them, only better.

It was never about what they did for you. Because when you look back, you’ll realize they only did the minimum to keep you in their life.

They never went out of their way to love you. Because they never did love you. They never let themselves know the real you. And they never let you know the real person they were. They were using you to fill a gaping hole within.

And that’s the most difficult lesson I had to learn. It’s a lesson all of us have to learn that were involved in some way with narcissists.

The only way to be free of them is to do exactly what they do to people — leave the person behind. Yet unlike the narcissist, don’t go back to someone you hurt. Let them go — forever.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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