It’s been 3 years since my last serious relationship.
After a shit ton of therapy and a lot of retrospection, I can safely say I fucked up a lot of times.
This post is all about my past mistakes and why I think a lot of guys end up in unhealthy and dead relationships.
Before we begin with my self-destructive criticism, let’s get something out of the way.
My last relationship was my most serious one.
Like every relationship that ended, both people were at fault.
Since I can’t talk on her behalf, I’ll go over the reasons that I think our relationship ended and the ones that I’ll take into consideration for next time.
Let’s start with — what I now think to be — the most important reason.
The age difference
NEVER
and I truly mean NEVER
date a girl that’s older than you.
Before you start typing in the comments that this is idiotic…
… Let me explain.
Every relationship has a specific dynamic that’s carried out throughout the entire relationship.
In my experience, as soon as this dynamic changes, it’s almost always certain that the relationship will end.
For the simple reason that some people can’t live with the fact that their partner changes their role in the relationship.
Being in a relationship with an older girl might seem cool at first, but there’s a specific dynamic set from the get-go.
The dynamic?
The older you are the more power you have over the other person.
You can disagree all you want, but the more power you have in a relationship the easier it is to handle arguments.
Why?
It’s all about respect
The moment your partner loses their respect for you, it’s game over.
People will call this toxic masculinity but the reality is this…
The more respect you have for your partner the healthier the relationship.
You might wonder why I mentioned toxic masculinity.
Here’s why.
The more respect the girl has for her partner, the harder the relationship will end.
The more you act like an immature, emotionally unstable, weak, idiotic man, the easier you’ll lose her respect.
Whereas the more emotionally mature, strong, certain, and logical you are, the more respect you’ll get.
You may wonder what happens when she loses her respect.
You end up being used and manipulated.
It’s your problems, not hers
This mistake is clearly top 3.
Of course, it’s important to share your problems with her and she’s supposed to share them with you, but here’s the catch.
Every person deals with shit in their life, probably until we all die, we’ll all have shit to deal with.
Why put pressure on your partner with unnecessary problems and drama?
That’s why you have your friends and if you’re lucky your therapist.
In an ideal world, guys, and girls could share their problems and talk like healthy adults.
The reality?
It won’t happen.
The more of my problems and inner thoughts I shared, the more intimate the relationship became but the more respect she lost from me.
An emotionally mature and strong man in a relationship is a must.
What your girl wants is, to be heard, understood, and empathized with.
Don’t make her life harder.
Deal with your shit on your own.
If you have problems that affect your mental health go talk to a specialist.
Lack of personal time
If only I knew how to set my boundaries more clearly.
Yeah, it’s amazing when you spend time with your partner, but come on…
We all NEED personal time and personal space!
You don’t want to feel like you’re a prisoner inside the relationship.
The more respect she has for you and the better boundaries you set, the easier it’ll be for you to take some time off.
Something that’s a must for both people in the relationship to make it work.
Do your own thing, let her do her own thing, and when it’s time you can share some time together.
It’s not a bad thing.
Matter of fact, a healthy relationship should be two people meeting in the middle but each person has their own life.
Don’t intertwine your lives.
Being attached to someone is different than being in love with them.
Goals, culture, and religion
My dumbass couldn’t realize that having different goals and different cultural and religious backgrounds play a MASSIVE role in the relationship.
“It’ll be cool” I said.
How wrong was I?
The reality of the situation is that it might be fun at first to have all these different thoughts and opinions but the more time that passes the harder it becomes to deal with some basic problems.
Why?
Because most of the time everything comes back to how someone was raised and how they want to become.
Our different religious beliefs, our cultural differences, and our different goals in life regarding work and family led to one direction.
And that was the end of my last relationship.
TL;DR
Don’t be that guy that wants a quick dopamine hit, scroll all the way up and read the whole thing, you’ll be done in 3 minutes.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You might also like these from The Good Men Project:
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Fred Moon on Unsplash.com