***
Do you know why romance and sensuality novels for women are so popular?
Short answer: The authors know exactly how to give women that feeling.
That feeling has many facets and she loves them all. She tingles with the flirtatiousness of the conversation. She blushes at the boldness and sensual innuendo. She craves the unapologetic desire. In a romance novel, the woman always longs to be “taken” by her man. The sexual polarity and tension has her on pins and needles of anticipation. She is aching for the climactic release from this torture.
And her husband doesn’t quite get it. He can read the same passage and have a lukewarm response.
Sure, it’s a little titillating. But it’s not the kind of “romance” language he has told me he is longing for.
♦◊♦
He is a long-time, married man who is just dying to star in a different scene.
Just as he struggles to understand her emotional reaction to those scenes written for her, she can also be clueless about his deepest desires. And it’s not a sex scene.
To him, it seems she just doesn’t understand (or doesn’t care?) why reading this scene will almost always bring a tear to his eye and a lump in his throat.
More than anything, he wants that feeling, and only she has the power to supply that.
The Romance Story That Can Make Men Cry
They were finally alone. He had been looking forward to doing this for months and she finally agreed to a getaway for just the two of them. The kids were with grandma and they will finally have a chance to reconnect as a man and woman—not as dad and mom.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeTheir truck was cruising west on the hot desert highway into a beautiful sunset as one of their favorite songs from high school came on the radio. They both started humming the song and broke into the chorus at the exact same time. They both laughed and smiled without talking as the song ended. After another few miles, she gently reached across the top of the bench seat and her hand her found the back of his head. Her fingers rolled and massaged through his hair as she delivered the most loving half-scratch, half-massage treatment he hadn’t felt in a long time.
He caught her looking at him out of the side of his eye and said, ‘What’s that look for?
She kept eye contact and grinned as she said, ‘This was such a good plan. I’m so happy you’re my man. Thank you for making me go on this trip. We both need this, don’t we?’
As they pulled into town that night, he realized he had not even noticed the last 100 miles. While his truck found its own way, he had been traveling on Cloud Nine.
♦◊♦
Many women reading this will think I’m full of crap. The men know I’m not.
The leading man in this story is a familiar one. He has been married for 14 years, has three kids aged 13, 11 and nine, and he lives in a rat race of work, relatives, friends, home maintenance, and weekend soccer tournaments.
Sure, his sex life could be better. He wishes it was better. He might even sneak a peek at porn sites every now and then. But that’s not what he longs for in his heart.
It isn’t the loss of sexual intimacy that causes his quiet tears. It’s the loss of his emotional and sensual connection with his only romantic partner in life. He craves her presence, respect and trust. She is the only woman who has the power to lift him up and make him want to conquer the world for her.
Yet he feels that she no longer wants to be that woman for him. She is disconnected. She gives herself and her energy to just about anyone but him. And it makes him sad. It makes him fearful of his future. The sadness and fear show up may show up in his life as anger.
♦◊♦
The Truth Behind His Anger
Anger of this type is a secondary emotion. It is a reaction to the thoughts of what he believes he has lost and of the fear of where he thinks he will wind up.
His confidence wanes and he yields to his worst fears – that maybe he really is an inadequate and insignificant man.
The dream of “happily ever after” for most men includes the idea of a long-term, committed, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman who shares his values and desire to maintain a healthy, trusting, respectful, and intimate relationship. The dream is full of good feelings, happy times, supportive words and loving actions.
For many men, it feels like this dream is dying right in front of them and there is no way to stop it. Everything he does to address it seems to blow up in his face.
Can he be more understanding? Can he be more caring and sensitive? Can he take more responsibility for helping her feel safer and supportive? Yep.
He’s been working hard at being a better man and husband for the last year. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying so hard. His wife has noticed, but she still doesn’t trust him.
He wants to be a man who he can be proud of. He also wants a woman who is proud of him and appreciates him. All he needs to keep going most days is a good head scratch and a loving vote of confidence.
—
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Love this! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. So helpful to read as a woman. We truly want to be listened to and “heard”. Men want to be appreciated and acknowledged. A dialogue that definitely needs to continue! Love to collaborate with you on a piece.
This is a wonderful article and I agree but just one big tip. TELL this to your woman. Don’t just expect her to read your damn mind.
Communicate.
Wow… this article really understand us men, we are continuously trying to make our partner proud, I wish i had found this page before I had gone through all those stages… This is definitely an incredible article that would impact the whole society and should be shared.
its very well said…we as men need that from only one person in our life..and thats our life partner..for she sums up our entire world.
Betrayal and infedility is something which we cant take even a bit,hence we punish ourselves.
I looooveee this article.! I will give everything I can for my man.. And yes.. I totally agree about the connection. I also need that too. Thanks to the author. 🙂
I looooveee this article.! I will give everything I can for my man.. And yes.. I totally agree about the connection. I also need that too. Thanks to the author. 🙂
“Occasional” abusive behaviour – very lightly used here. And true, unfamiliar with the other parts of the article, but convinced of their authenticity.
Sounds like the author of this post just cracked open every man’s skull and understood “that feeling” right down to the last letter. Can’t relate to anything in life as much as to this post.
If a man wants that from a woman then he needs to give her what she needs as well. When he is working and busy all the time it leaves everything else for the woman. Clean the house, up keep on the house, kids, bills and just life. Makes a woman feel ignored, taken for granted, and so on. Women need affection and it is not the big things fellas. It’s the simple thank you for all you do. It’s the caress of the face as you stop in the hall before passing. It’s the fact you picked your pants… Read more »
In this day of age many men get that. Many men play an almost equal role as the women in thier lives. If your quoting this, then you Cleary need to express it your spouse. Intimacy and connection should have no part in the daily run of things. Who does what more. Both spouses need to embrace and support each other daily. Find the time to reconnect. If you don’t, that’s when you start analyzing each other and questioning.
Dear Lady ,
Hang on to the idea of who should do what first and suffer the rest of your lives in this conditional arrangement . Instead be the one to give , you just might be surprised by what you receive in return .
Peace
How simply put! Why do we fail to see these simple things in life and run for over complicated situation, plans and solutions! And both sides need to understand this.
I cleaned the house and cooked every night my woman was at work. I also brought her flowers every week. She never trusted me though.
Right on
I have to agree that emotional affection is important, but “the romance story that can make men cry” is outright crap (I’m a man, so I think I can confirm). Also why do you have to bring “abuse” to everything? Why do you think every man abuses women? Like I’ve known around 100 men over the last 5 years, I’ve observed the lives of 50-60 men closely. None of them would ever abuse their SO. So again, why?
Abuse generally happens behind closed doors. You can know 100 men who don’t act that way in front of YOU, but you can never be sure that they don’t abuse their women when you aren’t there. That’s the thing about abuse that most people find hard to grasp…and they obviously would never want to think of their friends as “that guy”. Judging by stats though, it goes on more than most people are willing to admit. Denial is a killer.
Yes. Just. Yes.
Aahh..never thought about it from a man’s point of view. very well written. I am regular visitor of this website as it gives very good insights! keep going
I would want to know if which has a greater impact. Physical intimacy or emotional intimacy?
Anne I think they both have to go hand in hand . Both play a key role in a relation. You need to know your partner well to understand what times is he longing for emotional support and vice versa. I must say both have to be expressive about it get right support at the right time .
There’s not a single man out there who wont find this brilliant. THIS IS IT! This is what we men will always want our better halves to understand! There is so much truth in this piece, brilliantly written! Thank you, Mr. Author for writting this!
It’s such a beautifully and honestly drafted write up. So so true. On a very personal level, I found my emotions being drafted in this. Yes it’s true, for a man his wife is the biggest strength. We somehow loose the ever hard hitting daily life chores when not admired or least cared about by our women ( wife). We crave for emotional touch more than physicality..n it’s so nicely written that being intimate doesn’t just mean sex but it’s a longing to be together in all aspects and yes together means being with each other emotionally, physically and yes… Read more »
This is the most beautiful and relatable article I’ve ever come across with regards to emotional understanding. Kudos to the author on explaining it with such simplicity but also such incredible depth!
1) Men wanting approval and positive reinforcement isn’t exactly a mind blowing piece of new information. Women want the same thing too. Most humans are pretty approval driven. So congratulations on pouting out the obvious. 2) There is no “one-size fits all” answer or a formula to what turns women on. The assumption is, frankly, insulting. You know what would make me hot? A discussion about CERN breaking the speed of light this week. The sort of trite crap in romance novels makes my stomach churn. 3) Here is a novel idea: why don’t we just ask our partner about… Read more »
Bitter.
For one, MOST women are this way. Just because you and some others aren’t, doesn’t mean he’s being mysonigistic. He’s being generalistic – which is completely fine. And it’s still true that men and women don’t know what the other likes when it comes to sex. And believe it or not, communicating in reality is way more novel than you think. It sounds all nice and dandy on paper, but to actually practice it is way harder. Most people get so caught up in their daily lives to worry about how the other is doing on a deeper, intimate level… Read more »
Danielle you are bang on!
Leah and Nidhi… You are so off base here… My heart goes out to you and the men that want your attention as you just don’t get the heart of this article.
the last 2 paragraph hit me hard…. somehow there’s a guilt feeling inside me. 🙁 being in a relationship for 12 years and ended up last year is hard to deal with. I can blame him for ruin my dream of having a happy family but i know for myself that its not all his fault,i mean even though its a third party issue, i have a share of fault in our failed marriage 🙁 an do somehow upon reading this it makes me understand more the situation it gives me more positive outlook…
I’m in meaningful relationship now and this article really spoke to me. When I try to explan it, it sometimes comes across as if I’m not appreciative enough of what my girlfriend does. I reflected on that and there’s some truth to it; I have to admit. But I guess if this basic longing was met, I’d be able to also acknowledge all her other efforts. Like what I tell her, it’s just that I respnd to this kind of affirmation more than others. It’s like being offered a choice of drink and you see your favorite brew on the… Read more »
From a woman who appreciates understanding the male perspective, this is a great article. There’s so much truth to this, I completely agree. Intimacy is more than just sex. It’s that special connection, the affection, the feeling of being desired on every level. Men who want to be in a loving relationship crave that.
Every time I read this I take away a bit more. This is so many men’s story in divorce. We crave appreciation and recognition. (and yes, occasional sex) But it’s this loss of fascination that kills a marriage on both sides. We need to remain fascinated and hopeful about our mates. There is no other option. Boredom and complacency are the end game. Great post, thank you.
I agree, John. And thanks for reading, apparently multiple times!
I love this post by Heather Gray. It support your point.
Our intention and then action toward each other makes all the difference.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hlg-forget-the-checklists-a-happy-and-successful-relationship-depends-on-just-one-thing/
In many cases (both for male or female) the situation has simply become “you reap just what you sow”. Discovering my husbands affair, told because I wasnt there for him. But he REFUSES to see the reasons WHY I wasn’t there. Takes two to tango but abuse is a reason some of choose to no longer dance.
well, after reading this, i realize i did, in fact, treat my husband well. i used to thank him for how hard he worked and how much i loved him. he would get annoyed if i left him romantic notes on the bathroom mirror in red lipstick, or leave him notes in his suitcase if he traveled. yet, he hit 50, had an affair, left me, our 2 children and ultimately married his mistress. he’s now going thru divorce #3. the thing i’m so sad about is what a terrible role model he has been for our boys.
Hi Steve
I like your article but I have a question:
What on earth are you talking about when you talk about romantic novels?
I have visited the library every month since I was ten year old and I also buy books.’But I have never read any of these romantic novels and do not even know the names.
Help me, this must be an American phenomena and unknown to us in Scandinavia.
Silke,
I don’t know what Scandinavian country you’re in, but here in Sweden they are usually referred to as Harlekin (Harlequin?) novels. Probably after an old trademark or company name.
I have never heard about it
Maybe this is what we call “kiosk books” ?
Can you borrow these books in public libraries?
“kiosk books”. Yes, probably.
Borrow them in libraries. Don’t know about that.
“Harlequinn” books “Mills and Boon” books.
Yes, Flying Kal is right.
There are many types, titles,and authors. Here’s a link to some examples.
http://www.goodreads.com/list/tag/romance
Sexy novels like Fifty Shades of Grey are more recent and much discussed here on GMP. And I do realize that there are many women who can’t stand them or don’t read them. But many others do.
Hi Steve
Sorry I can not provide a link but I read that research show the majority of the women that read Fifty Shades have been abused themselves. Or to say it more correctly these women as a groupt has a higher rite of beeing abused than women in general.
Here ya go silke
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/08/22/women-reading-50-shades-of-grey-more-likely-to-have-abusive-partners-study-says/
Thank you Tom!
I will never touch the books,and mess up my head,my sexuality and warm positive feeling for men by reading it.
Steve,
Reading that felt like a punch in the gut but very accurate from a my perspective. 21 years of marriage and I only get sad when I see ‘that look’ a wife gives her husband when the husband knows he can walk on water with her. I cant remember the last time my wife looked at me like that. It feels like I’m swimming in molasses when I’m trying to talk about our relationship…I know something is wrong but she won’t say what.
argh. I know that look, Matt, and it sucks. Don’t let it deflate you. It’s time to breathe and act. She probably won’t say what. She’s tired of heavy conversations, most likely. At this stage, wives tell me that they are getting emotionally checked out and don’t have much to say. What she has in her mind may very well be something she’s afraid to say out loud. It could be really scary for her and hurtful to you. She may have convinced herself that nothing in her life or marriage will ever change. This is as painful for her… Read more »