5 Signs of an Avoidant Attachment Style

Why are attachment styles important?

Because your attachment style is formed during your childhood and your childhood experiences lay the groundwork for your love life.

As mentioned in this article in PsychCentral:

Childhood experiences lay the groundwork for what will be our general attachment style throughout our lives, how we bond with another person, as well as how we respond emotionally when that person is separated from us.

Now, according to psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby’s attachment theory, everyone has a specific attachment style, one that is formed through the way their parents or primary caregivers cared for them during the first years of their life.

Your attachment style mainly affects who you’re attracted to and how you interact with your romantic partners. There are three major attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and secure (which is considered as the healthy one).

In this article, we’re gonna focus on the avoidant attachment style and how a person with this particular attachment style usually behaves.

Let’s dive right in.

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#1. A DIY Obsession

People with avoidant attachment styles believe — or, were forced to believe — they can only depend on themselves.

More specifically, avoidant attachment develops in children whose emotional needs weren’t met by their parents or caregivers. Thus, they grow up to become very independent individuals, thinking that the only person who’s truly willing and capable of meeting their needs is themselves.

As marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer states in her article:

An avoidant attachment style evolves when a mother is frequently unresponsive or emotionally unavailable. Her child learns to be self-sufficient and suppresses vulnerable feelings and attachment needs for love and closeness. […] Such a cold mother may also have had this style and expected her child to be independent before they were emotionally mature enough to do so.

Generally, being independent is a positive trait, but when it comes to avoidant types, their extreme independence often leads them to:

refuse help and/or emotional support from others
refuse to let their partner rely on them
consider their autonomy and freedom to be far more important than investing in a relationship
view people who ask them for help as weak and incompetent

A healthy relationship requires a balance between interdependence and autonomy — when you have only one of them, a relationship can neither flourish nor stand the test of time.

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#2. Commitment Is Out of the Question

Does the person you’re currently involved with have a history of one-night stands and casual short-flings?

Do they avoid talking about commitment? Do they rush to change the subject whenever the topic of becoming exclusive pops up?

Those are all signs a person is running away from commitment — and that, in turn, is a sign of an avoidant attachment style.

You shouldn’t take it personally though, as they would act the same no matter who was in your shoes. You see, in their minds, these individuals have associated commitment with danger.

Since they grew up with their needs being constantly neglected or dismissed, they’re afraid of becoming attached to someone and getting hurt — thus they avoid serious, committed relationships in order to be safe.

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#3. Emotional Closeness Is a Definite No-No

Someone with an avoidant attachment style often struggles with emotional closeness. That struggle might manifest in various ways, such as:

distrust of their partner and people in general
inability or difficulty to open up
refusal to discuss their feelings
stonewalling
experiencing feelings of disdain

Overall, creating, let alone maintaining an emotional bond is challenging for people with this particular attachment style.

Looking to protect themselves from rejection as well as guard themselves against the possibility of getting hurt they put up emotional walls, disconnect from their needs, and often feel disdain towards demonstrations of affection.

As clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone explains in her article:

A child with an avoidant attachment attempts to meet their own needs, because it is too painful depending on others who consistently fail to respond to them. They develop a sense of shame, thinking, “I am not worth paying attention to.” They then disconnect from their needs in an effort to avoid feeling this shame.

As adults, this same pseudo-independence can lead the person to be self-contained and disdainful of others when they express needs or a desire for emotional closeness.

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#4. Boundaries Are a Safety Net

Boundaries are a key element in any healthy relationship. But when they result in a disregard of other people’s needs and wants or sabotaging your relationships, they become unhealthy and toxic.

When it comes to avoidant partners they set boundaries and put up barriers in an attempt to feel safe — by not getting too close to other people.

Having grown up in an environment with little to zero love, attention, and affection, they seek people, experiences, and environments that generate familiar feelings, even if negative.

So, when someone tries to get close to them, they’ll deliberately undermine their chances of being loved and cared for by setting unhealthy boundaries, which, in their mind keep them safe.

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#5. Enemies Are Everywhere

People with avoidant attachment styles usually have a hard time trusting others, which means that they’re likely to see enemies everywhere.

Even if you have their best interest in mind, they might view your actions in a suspicious light, misinterpret your words and repeatedly worry about being treated unfairly or being taken advantage of.

As Berit Brogaard mentions in her article in Psychology Today:

An avoidant person does not erase boundaries or change their values or beliefs for the sake of others. They are unable to trust other people, they dislike confrontations, and they have control issues.

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A Final Note

Your attachment style can either help or harm your relationship — the same goes for your partner.

Understanding both your and your partner’s attachment style is important, because if either of you has an unhealthy one you might have a hard time understanding and properly responding to each other’s needs.

As family therapist Andrea Brandt explains:

When you have an unhealthy attachment style, you may have a hard time recognizing your partner’s emotions or responding appropriately to his or her feelings. You may feel uncomfortable when your partner shows anger or sadness and not know how to react. And you may pull away, or grab on too tightly, thus harming both your relationship and the person you love.

Developing a healthier, secure, attachment style is possible — it’s a process that just needs plenty of time, effort, and patience.

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This post was previously published on medium.com and under a Creative Commons license CC BY-ND 4.0.

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