Doctor NerdLove explains how even when we think we’re doing everything right, bad habits can sneak in and ruin a perfectly good romance.
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It’s surprisingly easy to ruin a perfectly good relationship. You may not be aware that you’re doing it. Hell, you may think that you’re doing everything right to help keep your relationship healthy and strong… so when your significant other sits down across from you at dinner with that look on his or her face—you know the one—it comes as a total surprise. The problem is that sometimes what helps a relationship survive—and what ends up killing it instead—can be completely counter-intuitive. Some behaviors, especially if you’ve been single for a while or just aren’t used to committed, long-term relationships, may feel absolutely natural to a single person… but they’re poison to relationships. If you want to keep your relationship running strong, you need to know what you may be doing that might be ruining it instead.
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You’re Letting Sex Just “Happen”
One of the biggest lies that we tend to absorb is that we shouldn’t think too much about sex. Sex is best when it is utterly spontaneous and the best way for sex to occur is that you throw yourselves at each other like a couple of weasels in heat when you happen to have a free moment. The strength of your relationship is measured by how often any alone time turns into the two of you sucking face like a couple of hogs eating the same banana. If you really love each other sex will just happen. If the sex happens to slow down (or stop all together)… well that’s a sign that something’s wrong. You’re probably not doing enough to help your partner relax and get in the mood.
So What’s The Problem?
That random, spontaneous sex is great… when you’re still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship and everything is new and exciting. The problem is, that mad passion is going to fade. It’s a part of every relationship – the initial wave of passion recedes and is replaced by a deeper emotional intimacy and companionship. After that initial wave of passion, when you’ve started to settle into your life as a couple, it gets harder to make sex “just happen”. Responsibilities mount up and eat away your free time. You may have deadlines that you can’t afford to miss and trying to meet them saps your energy. Your partner may be stressed about work and just can’t spare the time to think about sex. The housework has mounted up to the point where you feel like you’re fighting an unending battle against disorder and mess. There will be more and more nights when one or both of you are just so goddamn tired that the spirit may be willing but the flesh would really rather go to bed and try again tomorrow. And if you have kids… yeah. Good luck. An active, satisfying sex life is incredibly important to a relationship – too important, in fact, to just leave it up to chance. So instead of hoping that life really is like a Cialis commercial and waiting for the right moment to come around, you make it happen. You put sex on the schedule and stick to it. Treating sex like something on your weekly to-do list can feel a little odd at first – it’s hard getting past being taught that sex is supposed to be a spur-of-the-moment thing – but it actually makes sense. If it’s a regularly recurring event, you learn to schedule around it and ensure that you have the time to make the magic happen. Even if you’re not strictly in the mood, taking the time for at least some naked snuggling can help reduce tension, improve feelings of intimacy and get those endorphins flowing.
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You Have Too Much Togetherness
One of the best parts about a relationship is that you don’t just have hot-and-cold running sex on demand and splitting half the rent, you’ve got yourself a partner in crime! You never have to feel lonely because you know that they’ll be right there with you through thick and thin! Right there! All the time! Because that’s what couples do! So you’re dragging her off to watch Prometheus – even though she can’t stand sci-fi – and in exchange you’re going hiking in the woods with her even though you hate the sun and are allergic to just about everything with more than two legs. Even when all you want to do is unwind after a very long day of dealing with the assholes at work and blow away some pastel colored bastards in Whimsyshire, she wants you to come with her to do the grocery shopping. Meanwhile when all she wants is to relax on the couch with some popcorn and quality time with the boys from SAMCRO, you want her to come with you to the beer tasting at the local microbrewery. And when it comes right down to it, your friends have all come to accept that hanging out with one of you means hanging out with both of you… despite the fact that what you really want is just a night out with your buddies. Because you’re supposed to share every moment you can together. Because that’s what couples do. Even if it means that you’re sighing with barely concealed frustration in the produce aisle. And she’s pointedly checking her watch while you’re in line for the Pecan Porter. And your friends have quit calling because… well, they’re getting frustrated over the fact that you’re only available as a package deal.
So What’s The Problem?
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re now joined at the hip or that you no longer have any need for time on your own. In fact, it’s more important that you both get some alone time than it was before you started dating. There is no better way to smother the flames of romance than to squeeze every single ounce of togetherness you can out of life. Think of it like two rats in too small of a cage; eventually they end up trying to kill each other. All of those petty little irritations and annoyances have a way of building up over time; if you don’t have some sort of a release valve, you can quickly find that your love has been replaced by bitterness and resentment for smothering the life you used to have. You need space, emotional as much as physical, to let your frustrations dissipate and have an identity beyond “Half Of A Couple”. A brief escape from all that togetherness – whether it’s physically going somewhere else or taking a couple hours to zone out in front of the computer or Xbox without being disturbed – can make all the difference between feeling as though you’ve got your beloved trying to crawl up your ass and remembering that you’re actually in love even though he annoys the shit out of you sometimes. It’s worth noting that teen couples are especially prone to this behavior – when you’re young and full of fluctuating hormones, every relationship feels like THE MOST EPIC ONE IN HISTORY!!!! and you’re supposed to be wanting to spend every waking moment around your honey or else it’s proof everything is falling apart and he’s cheating on you and she’s about to go pull a train on a bunch of jocks because you fucked up and she’s mad at you. They get over it. Theoretically.
I don’t know about you guys, but this is what I do for pooled finances. If I’m going shopping at Aldi with my roommates, we each bring $30. We buy all the things we either unanimously agree on or need on a weekly basis. Then we come back and each have an individual “discretionary fund” based on the remaining money divided by people. This encourages cost-efficiency in the essentials(Meals, milk, eggs, butter), and then rewards each person with complete control of their discretionary fund. If they want, they could get extra meals, snacks, sweets, or just pocket the money and… Read more »
I’m not sure going into a pool for groceries with roommates is ideal. In fact, that could seemingly cause issues, bc not everyone eats the same amount, or the same foods for that matter. I’d never find this beneficial, in the past and def not now.
Great advice – except I noticed a couple of things: “Even when all you want to do is unwind after a very long day of dealing with the assholes at work and blow away some pastel colored bastards in Whimsyshire, she wants you to come with her to do the grocery shopping. ” This in the context of sharing LEISURE activities. Dudes, getting groceries is NOT like going out for beers or hiking or seeing a movie. It’s shit that has to get done – so to put “her getting the groceries” in comparison to you going for beers tells… Read more »
Could you kindly remove all cameras and recording equipment from my house?
Because judging from that article, you are recording my entire relationship!
Poor Scott……they had the recording camera at my house too….sad aint it?
It’s amazing how the fundamental a priori right life choice for this piece, and so many others, is hetero-normative mongamous cohabitation. In fact, there is a full spectrum – a continuum – a cornucopia of choices around the questions of co-habitation, monogamy, hetero-normativity. Many who fail at this game do so, not because they’re playing the game wrong (as Nerdlove suggests) but rather because they’re playing the game wrong. There are lots of couples (for example) who would be so much happier if they kept separate residences. Vicki Larson, who has written extensively for Huffpo and been featured in the… Read more »
Hi Paul
You write
✺”There are lots of couples (for example) who would be so much happier if they kept separate residences”✺
I think you are right. ‘Living apart together ‘ is the best for some.
In my country we even have a word for that kind of lifestyle. Særbo.
Some are married and have different homes. Other have life long relationships , without marriage but have different homes . And some are weekend couples. They live together from Friday to Sunday, but both have their own home..
That’s not living financially as if you’re single… that’s living financially like a dick. It’s one thing to spend your money on splurges while your partner saves. It’s a completely different thing for the rent check to be late because you spend your half of the rent money on those splurges.
Getting sex on more of a schedule is totally counter intuitive yet we’ve found it to be very effective. Like many others we have two small children (1 & 3) which means adult time of any kind comes at a premium. My wife and I are both high task completion/go getter types so when we noticed that sex was on the downslope we started scheduling it up at least to the point of having weekly goals for it. I can comfortably say it didn’t take the spontaneity out of things because the ultimate goal for us is having more sex… Read more »
My ex and I tried it and it was awkward as hell, to be honest. In fact, I think it actually accelerated the deterioration of our relationship because it made us feel like, well, if we can’t enjoy having sex with each other “on demand” then what chance do we have?
These are great tips! Relationships required a tricky balance of togetherness and independence and if you don’t communicate and put in the work, things can slide down a slippery slope pretty fast. Thanks for communicating how to avoid potential points of failure so well!
These are reasons why my marriage of 9 yrs has ended. I was practically saying these same things to him verbatim and it just wouldn’t click. I’m happy to know I’m not crazy like he constantly said I was. Thanks for laying it out there!!
Doing the dishes without being asked isn’t even gonna help.
Because now you’re using the wrong goddamn towel (the very same towel she used as late as yesterday for the same task, mind you), or putting it back in the cupboards in all the wrong places…!
I wonder how many people are NOT ruining their relationships based on this?
We are so self-absorbed and pampered, endlessly moaning and complaining about our ‘relationships’. It has reached the point of self-parody. The only thing we have to fear is that we will lose our sense of humor.
Darn. I’m going to have to throw out my long-standing happy marriage. Evidently, we’re doing it all wrong.
Interesting read. Relationships are inherently complicated and it seems easier than not to fall into many of the behaviors you have listed. For me, the most important take away is finding what works for both people in the relationship. There has to be balance. Respecting the goals and needs of both partners is paramount for a relationship to be sustainable for the long haul.
I’ve been married a LONG time so I don’t know squat about ‘living together’. But after reading this, I can honestly say that if by some chance I found myself single again, I’d be sure to STAY that way!
Have you told you wife this? She may feel the same way…..