5 Things Women Shouldn’t Expect from a Man

It’s hard to keep a relationship long-lasting when you have too many expectations from the get-go.

As a woman, I learned this the hard way.

My goal is to give perspectives in the hope for other women to realize how strong they’re on their own.

Don’t let rom-com movies deceive you that the only way to be happy is to be with someone.

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Expecting him to change — in any way

In Indonesia, most men smoke. Even women. The men in my extended family, of them, are smokers — except my biological father who had passed away.

So in a way, it’s like a lifestyle to them. It goes without saying that the women they’re with are supposed to just accept it.

In my mother’s second marriage, she expected him to stop smoking.

She went out of her way to make sure he stops but it never worked. He came back to it the second my mother wasn’t at home.

Smoking is one of those habits that women want to change from a man. Other habits such as drinking problems, having affairs, and abuse.

The problem with having a high expectation that this person somehow will magically change is only destroying you mentally.

It takes a lot of your mental space to care about someone that much.

But the sad thing is, people can only change when they want to.

It doesn’t matter how much they claim they love you but if deep down they think it’s not the time to change yet, then nothing would happen.

While I don’t suggest you put up with the bad habits, it’s far more important to just focus on yourself.

You’ll never know — years go by and you’ve spent trying to fix someone else but you.

Expecting him to provide everything for you

I grew up in an environment where most women don’t know how to make money.

The expectation for men is too high.

They think it’s a man’s responsibility to provide everything they need. By “everything” I mean every expectation that a woman has — it’s more than just the basic.

A bigger house, a bigger land, a new car, a family vacation, a new kilogram of gold, and many other expectations.

Not only this expectation kills a good marriage, but it also makes you suffer. The thing about desire is, you’ll always come up with something new.

Nothing is ever enough.

But isn’t it much better if you yourself know how to fulfill those desires? Rather than expecting a man to do it?

It’s mentally exhausting to ask and wait around. It’s even draining to complain when things don’t go your way.

While this case has barely happened in modern dating, I’m sure there are some women out there with this expectation.

Knowing how to make your own money can do a lot to enhance your self-esteem.

So in the end, it’s merely about the number, but the value it brings to the table.

Expecting him to understand how you feel all the time

My problem is sometimes I expect my husband to understand how I feel.

In my mind, he should know me well enough than other people because (apart from my family), he’s been in my life for years.

But of course, assumption leads to stupid arguments.

The last time I checked in with my female friends, I’m not the only one doing this.

Too many times women have expectations that men should be able to read their minds.

It’s just not possible.

Clear communication is needed especially when you and your partner are going through a hard time. It happened so many times that my husband and I would fight over this issue.

A recent example was last weekend when I expected him to know that I wanted to spend the Sunday together.

But I didn’t communicate it well enough and he ended up going out on his own.

The words, “I thought you knew!” is what usually come up in the argument.

I learned that unless you’re being straightforward and tell him as it is, then a man will never fully get it.

Expecting him to put more into the relationship

Things can be tricky when it comes to putting in effort. Because he might think he’s put 100% but in your eyes, it’s not even close to 50%.

And like I said before, when it comes to expectations, it’s just a never-ending battle.

There’s always something that you need to improve or fix in your relationship.

While it’s a good intention to care about your relationship’s progress, constantly expecting the other person to put more and more isn’t a good idea.

Unless certain things don’t work between you two then it’s a good reason to expect and ask.

We also need to remember that life isn’t all about romantic relationships. There are other areas that need a fix.

So before you expect him to put more, I suggest you ask yourself first, “How urgent is this?” and “Will my relationship fall apart if I don’t ask him to do this?”

Expecting him not to cheat

You can hope the man you’re with stays faithful. You can hope he’ll never cheat on other women and destroy the relationship.

But you can only hope.

Because when you expect someone not to do something, you’ll tend to do certain actions that will make you feel relief.

In a way, that expectation makes you want to make sure every single time that he won’t cheat.

This could be checking his phone all the time, stalking his social media activity, tracking where he’s going, and “confirming” every woman that’s in his life.

It’s draining emotionally. Because the truth is, if he wants to cheat, he’ll cheat regardless of what you do to stop him.

It’s all back to the first point that you can never change someone. Also, why waste your time doing things that only make you feel more insecure?

Sit back and relax.

Trust the universe that if something bad happens, you’ll find out anyway. Only then you can panic. For now, work on yourself and do things that make you happy.

The only way to live a happy life is to have less expectations of others.

Holding them so tightly can make you go insane. Instead, try to let go of the things that aren’t in your control.

It’s either you accept this person as who he is or let the relationship go. It’s surely not that simple but having too many expectations wouldn’t help either.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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