I’ve dated enough over the last few years to know it’s a pretty fun — but frustrating process at times. It can also be extremely exhilarating, oh and don’t forget about heartbreaking. It can definitely be that too.
After finally meeting the right person, and learning what it means to have a happy and healthy relationship, I’m choosing to take every bad experience prior to this and take it for what it truly was: a lesson I can share with others.
And with that being said, here are a few things I’ve learned about dating.
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You’re not going to find yourself in another human being.
If you want to find yourself, dating isn’t the way to go about it.
Sure meeting people can help you learn more about yourself, but if you don’t know who you are and what you want out of life, getting into a relationship won’t help you figure it out sooner. It’ll probably hinder you.
I’ve been that girl who drops everything for someone else, including friends, family, and hobbies. It only makes you miserable and isolated.
Your identity is not to be someone’s other half. You don’t need to do everything your partner does, or read the same books, or have the same routine or style.
You’re never going to figure out who you really are if you spend all your time trying to cater to someone else. Figure out who you really are first before adding another human being into the mix.
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The right person won’t ask you to change.
Just like you wouldn’t want someone to try and change things about you, you shouldn’t enter a relationship with the intention of trying to change them, even if it is for the better.
This is why it’s so important to get the big conversations out of the way early on in the relationship. You don’t want to be two years deep and moving in together only to find out they never want to get married, or they never want to have kids, especially when those are things you see in your foreseeable future.
I remember the first time I found out my ex never wanted to have kids; I felt betrayed. While I was young, I already knew starting a family one day was a non-negotiable for me, and him telling me it was never something he wanted over a year into dating felt like I had wasted so much of my time on someone who didn’t want the same things as I did.
I told myself he would eventually change his mind, but no less than six months later, we separated because my trying to change his mind only forced him to see that not only did he not want kids, but he didn’t see himself getting married either.
The best thing you can do is look for someone who’s already aligned with your views and goals. You don’t need to have every single little thing in common, but having a similar foundation helps.
My mom used to tell me,
Go for the person who has 80% of what you want in a partner. The remaining 20% are quirks and minuscule little things that don’t contribute to your relationship. Are you really going to give up a good partner simply because he refuses to color-code his clothes? Or separate his socks before throwing them into the laundry bin?
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It’s okay to make the first move.
I grew up thinking the guy always has to text you first. The guy always has to ask you out first. The guy always has to do a, b and c first.
There’s nothing wrong with that. If you want to wait for him to put the moves on you first, do it. But, there’s also no shame in showing him your interest first. I slid into my boyfriend’s DM’s, and we’ve been in a happy relationship for nearly three years now.
This also means it’s okay to be the first one to bring up serious conversations like exclusivity or how you truly feel about them.
One of my closest friends has been “casually dating” a guy for over a year now, but she doesn’t know where she stands with him. She’s in a constant state of wondering who he’s with and what he’s doing when he goes out without her.
When I asked her why she hasn’t brought it up, she responded with, “I’m waiting for him to ask me to be his official girlfriend.”
Being bold is a superpower. If you want it, go for it. What’s the worst that can happen?
Set standards, but don’t be overly picky.
It’s okay to want and strive towards your idea of a perfect partner, but don’t set impossible standards.
You do deserve the best, but you can’t expect the dream guy you created in your head when you were 13 to waltz into your life and sweep you off your feet.
The amount of women I know that have overlooked incredible, handsome, kind, and phenomenal men over something as minuscule as their height always shocks me.
You’re never going to find the right person if you’re not open to the possibility of dating someone outside the box you’ve created.
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When they show you who they are, believe them.
I met an amazing guy once; he was sexy, different, enigmatic, and completely emotionally unavailable.
I thought, “It’s fine. He’ll change over time. He’ll start paying attention. He’ll start investing in me emotionally. He’ll stop bailing on me. He’ll stop expecting me to show up whenever and wherever he wants. He’ll stop being a jerk. He will change.”
I didn’t go into the relationship with the intention of changing him; I overlooked the type of person he really was because I was so infatuated by him, and I wanted so desperately for him to be who I wanted him to be.
I wanted him to fit the mold I’d made for my dream guy.
Despite seeing all of the red flags, I kept waiting and hoping things would change. They never did, and it resulted in a lot of pain and sleepless nights.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time. If the person you’re dating bails on you time and time again, don’t expect them to suddenly become punctual.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” — Maya Angelou
If the person you’re seeing constantly neglects you or makes you feel unworthy of their love, don’t expect them to shower you with affection out of the blue.
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Takeaway:
- You’re not going to find yourself in another human being. Figure out what you want before jumping into a relationship.
- The right person won’t ask you to change. Just like you wouldn’t want them to try to change you, don’t walk into a relationship with the intention of trying to change them.
- It’s okay to make the first move. Being bold is a superpower. Do you think he’s cute? Tell him.
- Set standards, but don’t be overly picky. Don’t say no to someone just because they’re two inches shorter than you want them to be.
- When they show you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelou said this. She’s a professional.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Felipe Callado on Unsplash