Most people underestimate how many negative effects some ridiculous acts like consistent criticism can have on their romantic relationships.
They think that being physically abusive is what makes their relationships terrible or even toxic, but they pay little to no attention, to how much criticizing their partners makes them appear like overly scolding fathers or mothers who never see anything positive in their children.
Yet, the truth is, little poisonous things we do consistently are what make our relationships go wrong in ways we do not expect.
Huge toxic behaviors like gaslighting, passive-aggression, or even controlling boundary-busting can indeed make any relationship nothing but messy.
But the thing is, some little things we do or fail to do, might, however, seem harmless, yet they can have hugely detrimental effects on our relationships.
#1. Not having a well-developed idea of what you want in a relationship
We all don’t want to end up in relationships with deep-seated incompatibility, isn’t it?
We instead hope to and will always prefer enjoying deep, intimate, and satisfying relationships.
But a lot of people often find themselves in relationships that feel too wrong and unhappy all the time which is a clear reflection of what they were looking for at the beginning of the relationship.
Here’s what most of these people do: They apparently aren’t looking for a relationship of mutual trust, respect, open and effective communication, authenticity, compromise, and shared values.
They are driven by attraction at high speed into a relationship without paying attention to things they have uncommon like, ethics, interests, etc such that they have little to talk about.
And at the end of the day, they might end up seeking their individual emotional fulfillment outside their relationship.
The truth, however, is that when you don’t have a well-developed idea of what you want in a relationship, your happiness and satisfaction suffer.
That’s why people who enjoy deep, intimate, and satisfying relationships, have a well-defined idea of what they want in any relationship, and never settle for less than what they want, in fact, they seek out relationships where deep understanding and mutual respect of each others’ individuality exists.
Hence, if you want to escape being shackled to a bad relationship and if you even want to determine whether or not someone is right for you, learning to have clear relationship expectations will make everything more feasible.
Because it’ll be easier to walk away from a relationship that isn’t right for you.
#2. Being transactional
I used to think that having expectations in a relationship meant what I have now realized makes romantic relationships nothing but a business partnership. I just can’t be unselfish enough to give without expecting something back.
Whenever my girlfriend failed to meet my needs in reciprocation for what I did for her, I felt disappointed, frustrated, and less appreciated. Even just thinking of it makes everything feel like I’m in a one-sided relationship where I’m not loved to the same extent that I love.
But over time, my experience had taught me that conditional giving doesn’t make up for healthy and balanced relationships; rather, it often causes a great deal of anguish to those on the receiving end, making the relationship anything but healthy.
I now know that nothing sabotages a relationship than keeping tabs on one’s partner’s mistakes or one’s contributions to their relationship since it can lead to both parties competing with each other and making everything stagnate and boring in the long run.
My love life and all of my other relationships have gotten better as a result of the many time, efforts, and tears it took me to learn the art of giving or doing things out of pure love and genuine kindness. Yes, it took all those sacrifices because our brains are normally wired to seek reciprocation hence, it comes naturally to easily do something for someone when you know you’ll get something in return. I’m glad I made the sacrifices.
#3. Trying to be a mind reader
Sometimes, “Mind Reading” which is being able to read someone’s thoughts can help us understand another person’s perspective or recognize when someone is being sarcastic or lying when they convey something that is not what they mean.
But most of us often do it wrongly. we find ourselves making broad assumptions about other people’s responses. We persuade ourselves that if they reacted in a particular manner to a certain event only once, then they will always react in the same way to what we perceive to be situations that are quite similar.
This made many people put their relationships into messy conditions. Because they form negative attitudes toward their partners based on their assumptions about what the partner is thinking and feeling, as well as how they will behave and react.
They jump to conclusions that their partner, has evil intentions toward them and they’re prone to react in a vindictive manner when confronted.
But the question is if your assumptions are true, why are you with this person. Why do you choose this person in the first place?
Whenever you find yourself mind-reading and projecting, ask yourself this simple question: How realistic are they? What if my assumptions about my partner are wrong. Then you’re not far from making your relationship thrive.
Because communicating freely without assumptions helps to bring out greater understanding and connection between you and your partner.
While communication stands as the key to a healthy relationship, it’s also good to communicate, or even give our partners a listening ear before assuming what you think they will say, you would have happier and healthier relationships.
#4. Shutting your partner out
Stonewalling is one of those tactics I had learned ever since I was a child — a tactic I often resort to in order to stay out of conflicts or to ease stress in tense circumstances. So I’m usually fond of:
- Disregarding what the other person has to say
- Avoiding a difficult topic by changing the subject
- And worse, giving someone the silent treatment
What a set of shitty and counterproductive behaviors.
If I could go back in time, I’d advise my younger self to avoid such ineffective habits that are harmful and damaging to romantic and other forms of relationships.
The truth is, it’s people who feel powerless and are poor in self-worth that are more likely to utilize the defensive strategy of stonewalling to mask their true feelings.
But some other people use it for the nefarious purpose of manipulating a situation and gaining control in a relationship.
Either way, stonewalling someone might make them feel humiliated or abused. In the worst-case scenario, they may even begin to doubt their self-worth and value.
Additionally, shutting your partner out might eventually exacerbate the very issue it was supposed to prevent, forcing out a heated confrontation or building tensions to a point where terrible things are said or done.
That’s why your relationships will be significantly better if you show your willingness to address and resolve issues that are critical to the long-term health of your relationships by learning to communicate effectively and by ditching bad communication habits of stonewalling.
#5. Letting them down constantly
We do not have to make an exception for this kind of behavior simply because it is not the most admirable trait to possess; yet, we need to remember that we are only human.
Even though human beings have good intentions, it’s also known that no one is perfect. And Alexander Pope, in his “Essay on Criticism,” states that “To err is human…”; therefore, it is common for every human being to make mistakes, disappoint others, or break commitments they have made.
That’s to say, both you and your partner are bound to occasionally let each other down.
But continually letting your lover down over and over again could result in anger and worse, resentment which will drive your relationship to dumps.
And your relationships will turn out to be extremely shallow and superficial, because you keep making the same mistakes, and always letting your spouse down in a significant manner consistently.
Because when you always let your partner down, it’s a message to your partner’s subconscious mind that your words, actions, and inactions, can’t be trusted.
That’s why you’ll be sabotaging your relationship when you constantly put up behaviors that in one way or another, let your partner down or when you often hurt your partner without changing.
You might consider them little but when little mistakes are made consistently, they’ll eventually become huge enough to impact your relationship in ways you may not expect.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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