5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Showing Your Insecurity When Dating

“I don’t know why this keeps happening. Here, look,” my friend, Mark, proceeds to thrust his phone into my hand.

I read the offending text which Mark had received from the latest girl he was seeing. It read remarkably like the text he had shown me from the last girl. The text ended with, “I’m sorry. I don’t really feel like I’m ready to be in a relationship.”

“Why the hell did they swipe my profile then? It clearly states that I’m looking for a relationship. That’s what her profile said as well. I need your dating whisperer skills. Tell me what’s happening,”

It was immediately clear to me what was happening but I didn’t quite know how to explain it to Mark. I had been the girl on the other side of this interaction many times and was guilty of using those exact same words.

On the outside, Mark appears very confident. He’s attractive, a successful engineer, an excellent runner, and has a great community of friends. But Mark has an insecurity that he’s never shared with his romantic interests. He admitted to me that this insecurity is something he thinks about constantly when dating.

Since Mark is hyper-aware of this insecurity, he thinks that he hides it well. But it was clear to me when reading his texts — that it did show up. It showed up in ways that were so subtle that his dates probably weren’t able to articulate it but they probably sensed it nonetheless. Repeat patterns don’t lie.

Here are some of the ways Mark was unknowingly displaying his insecurity and how you avoid doing them too:

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1. Accelerated expectations

In this particular instance, this is what had happened: Mark had texted someone the day after their third date with, “Thinking of you, hope you’re having a great day.”

When she hadn’t responded in two days, he had said, “I’m really disappointed that I haven’t heard back from you. A simple acknowledgment of my message would have been nice.” To which the girl replied, “Sorry! Super busy week at work!” A few hours later, she followed up with, “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.”

In Mark’s mind, he had simply been expressing how he felt and setting a standard for communication he expected. I agreed with him that this is important in any relationship but the crucial factor here is timing. Mark needed to allow time for his relationships to blossom before enforcing expectations. Should you expect a timely response from your spouse? Absolutely. A stranger after a third date? Not so much.

Because of his insecurity, Mark wanted to control his romantic interactions. Instead of matching the pace of interest shown by his dates, he tended to accelerate faster than his dates. As a result, they often felt pressured and figured it may be easier just to cut him off instead of always worrying about upsetting him. Another equivalent of this is pushing for exclusivity before the other person indicates the same desire.

What you should do instead: Relax and allow relationships to grow at an organic pace. Resist the need to constantly ask for validation for their interest in you. The point here isn’t necessarily about going faster or slower, but more about matching the investment that the other person is showing in you. If they are super communicative and seem to be just as into you, then jump in. But if they seem to be a little more casual, then adjust your expectations to match.

If it can work with this person, it will flourish naturally. If the relationship stagnates, then you can bring up how you feel or walk away. By forcing the pace of the relationship, you will inadvertently push that person away.

2. Comparison with others

I used to do a lot of what I called “social training” in locker rooms. It’s a place you can easily overhear very personal and honest conversations without being creepy.

I soon started to realize that people who were always comparing themselves against other people — whether it was positive (hero-worshipping) or negative (judgmental), were also highly insecure in other aspects of their lives. I began listening for phrases like these and then paying attention to what they talked about after:

“I can’t believe she makes $5k a month from Instagram, she’s not even that pretty.” (judgmental)

“Well, she may have gotten the promotion but men like me more, so whatever.” (putting others down in order to feel good)

“Can you believe that he liked my Instagram?!?” (hero-worshipping)

The truth is, secure people don’t seek shallow validation and are able to celebrate other people’s success. They understand that someone else succeeding has zero impact on their lives or that a stranger liking their work means nothing.

What you should do instead: Catch yourself when you start feeling bad about someone else’s lives and how they may be better than yours. Then flip it. Try to see if you can change your language to be inspired instead of jealous. For example, you might say, “It’s great that she makes $5k a month, she doesn’t look like the other Insta models and it shows that you can look different and still succeed.”

3. Labelling your flaws as “who you are”

I first met Mark because he asked me out on a date. Really early on in our conversations, he would say things like, “I’m not good at relationships” or “I can’t flirt.”

The way he spoke about it made it seem like it was a fixed trait. It felt like he thought of it as an innate, unchangeable part of who he is as opposed to something he could improve at. Ironically, I was really enjoying our conversations and hadn’t realized either of those things until he said that.

What you should do instead: Separate your identity from your actions and situation. For example, instead of saying, “I am not good at relationships,” say “I have not met someone I can really connect with on that level,” or “I’ve been practicing my flirting, how am I doing?” (best paired with a cheeky smile). The key is to not say “I am…..” but to say “I have not….” instead.

4. Bragging

The Viennese psychoanalyst Alfred Adler developed the theory that people who feel inferior overcompensate by overly projecting superiority. So, how can you tell the difference between an insecure person versus someone who has healthy self-confidence?

A distinction that is easy to spot is that insecure people tend to highlight external metrics while confident people usually focus on internal growth. For example, someone saying, “I’m the best-paid associate partner in the firm and the youngest to make partner,” is likely insecure while someone saying, “I feel that I’m good at what I do and provide value to my firm,” likely has a healthy self-image.

Other signs of insecurity that are often paired with bragging are defensiveness, a hard time admitting mistakes or receiving feedback, and an inability to self-reflect.

Insecure people brag because they think it will put them in a more positive light to the other person. Unfortunately for them, two psychology researchers from the University of Austin observed that this is likely to have the opposite outcome.

“The more you talk about how good you are in bed and how many women you’ve f*cked, the less I believe you.” — Anonymous

What you should do instead: Stay away from bragging about outcomes or labels, instead describe your experience of an event. You can express how proud you are of your journey or how much you enjoyed an experience. For example, instead of saying, “I have traveled to 50 countries,” you might say something like, “I love traveling because it has forced me to think differently and to connect with people I otherwise wouldn’t.”

Remember, it’s totally fine to get excited if you got a new promotion or if you got a book deal. It’s only unattractive if you brag constantly.

5. Constantly apologizing

On our first date, Mark apologized for his car (which was perfectly fine), then for his choice of the restaurant because he wasn’t sure what I liked (though this too, was perfectly fine), then for talking too much (although I thoroughly enjoyed his mind), then for not being as knowledgeable as me about certain things (though there were plenty of other topics that he was knowledgeable about).

At some point, it felt like he was apologizing for simply existing in my space. No matter how many times I told him that he didn’t need to apologize for his perceived errors, it seemed instinctual for him to do so.

This particular type of insecurity can also manifest in other ways such as — being extremely conscious of looking bad in front of others, constantly asking for permission, regularly second-guessing yourself, or overanalyzing everyone’s actions. At the root of it, it stems from being afraid of upsetting others.

What you should do instead: If Mark’s behavior resonates with you, try to catch yourself for apologizing constantly. Observe the person you are with to see if there are signs of them being offended or upset. If not, then don’t apologize.

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Takeaway

All the signs of insecurity above occur when you are elevating the value of other people above yourself. Sometimes, it’s not the flaw or situation itself that people are responding to — it’s your insecurity of it.

Mark was insecure because he had never been in a relationship before despite being in his early thirties. This scenario is more common than most people realize and I’ve actually known a few other friends in the same position. Many times, it’s because they focused on traveling or their career in their twenties. However, those people were unconcerned about this fact while Mark was hyper-aware of it.

In the end, the other friends organically found relationships without much emotional angst while Mark continues to send subtle signals that sabotage his chances of being in one.

There was actually nothing lacking in Mark. His issue probably never mattered at all to the people he was dating. But because he believed that there was something wrong with him, he got the same outcome over and over again. I wish he could see what I saw in him because then he would know — that I didn’t care about it at all.

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. — Dr. Seuss”

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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