New Year’s resolutions are often made and broken faster than you can blink your eyes. And I understand that. I am guilty of making many resolutions only to repeat them the following year after failing to commit to them in the previous twelve months fully.
But I am not talking about losing weight, eating healthier, or any other goals and ambitions we set for ourselves. I am referring to developing life habits that will set us up for success. The kind of true success that = happiness/contentment.
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Life is full of change and adapting.
My life has been challenging for the past two years. My husband and I sold our home and moved in with his mother to be caregivers. I started my writing career during this time and created a side hustle to supplement my income. This allows me to be flexible in responding to my mother in laws needs. However, I didn’t bargain for the multiple health issues my husband would face during this time and how our lack of structure in the household would tear me down.
When life becomes too much
The last nine months have been incredibly challenging. Three hospital stays for my husband, a knee injury that is hastening double knee replacement, and then throwing in a MIL who challenges me emotionally. Her negativity, obsessive behavior, and lack of respect for what we were doing for her led me down a dark path of anger and resentment and left me emotionally drained.
I felt defeated, mentally and physically exhausted, and unprepared to pursue my writing strategically. I often fought back the tears with anger and handled my needs didn’t matter to anyone else. I was just there to take care of others.
For many people, being a caregiver, nurse, doctor, etc., is a noble position, and I am eternally grateful to have such selfless people always doing for others.
But I am not one of them. I fight tooth and nail to live a life to be proud of. Hard as I try, I am selfish. I believe in serving others, but it is not all I am meant for. I pray every night for direction, compassion, and empathy for those around me, yet I keep coming back to believing I am meant for something else.
Since I was young, I have needed to put pen to paper. While I admit I am no Hemingway, I know I have value to share, and if I keep at it, I will someday write something worthy of this desire. I know that I can’t give up. I believe God put this on my heart for a reason.
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New Year-New Life-New Us
Here I am at the start of a new year with a renewed determination to regain control of my life. However, I realize I can not do it alone. I need my husband’s help to do this successfully and stay happily married.
One sign of a successful relationship is working together to help one another achieve their dreams and alleviate their stress. While it isn’t up to the other person to dictate the steps necessary, it is a shared responsibility to tackle any obstacles or distractions that stem from the relationship. This is true in any stage of a partnership.
Many couples make concessions for one another throughout their relationship. Parents develop a system of shared responsibilities to ensure each partner is not overwhelmed. Partners support one another while pursuing career goals, and older couples face life-altering issues such as retirement, caring for an elderly parent, or health issues. These all require both parties to be involved and aware of each other’s needs.
My husband and I recently sat down and discussed my feelings and how I need his help to make positive changes in my life.
What I had to say was not eye-opening to him. He could see my frustration, and he knew I was overwhelmed but struggling through his health issues left him feeling inadequate and burdensome to me. He did not know how or what to do to help me.
We realized we needed a plan, a system for tackling the day-to-day responsibilities in a manageable way for him and alleviating for me.
Time to make a change
Soon, we were able to devise a system that worked to our strengths. We both struggled with his mom’s negativity and lack of desire or interest in anything and made a plan to divide and conquer. My husband lacks concrete organization, and I was able to point out how many things fall through the cracks because of it.
- Create a simple, easy-to-follow schedule of responsibility for his mother’s care for both of us.
- Meal plan: who cooks, shops, and what meals we have daily.
- Old fashion chore list: what each of us is responsible for and on what days.
- Specific hours are scheduled to provide me with uninterrupted time for my work. My husband attends to any household distractions allowing me peace of mind.
- Clear statements of expectations and obligations to one another.
- Set aside date nights to keep us tuned in to one another.
We both realize this list is fluid and will ebb and flow as life demands. But it is a start and demonstrates a willingness to work together to alleviate my stress. My husband wasn’t naive to how I felt but didn’t know how to help.
Laying out specific needs gave him a concrete foundation to work with. He can now support me in a tangible way that allows me the freedom to pursue my career, and I am gaining a new understanding of his needs and strengths.
Relationships goals
Life with a partner requires more than passion and sex. A successful relationship is full of give-and-take, support, encouragement, and sometimes putting the other person’s needs before yours. But in the end, all the work, compromise, and dedication are worth it when you can share the struggles and the joys.
If something is bringing you down, take the time to share it with the essential people in your life. By working together, you will find a way through it and come out better on the other side.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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