6 Things Never To Say to Anyone Ever

Misjudged words leave deep scars.

I only have to dip my toe into my past to notice one surprising fact: pain has most often been inflicted by those who love me.

The close neighbour who said she felt sorry for me because my big sister was so special; the friend who told me my chronic bladder problem was a blessing in disguise; the family member who said “I’m sure you don’t want to talk about that” when I finally tried to open up about a devastating loss.

When we love someone, we never mean to upset them, but that doesn’t mean our good intentions are an excuse for creating hurt. If anything, we need to be even more careful about what we say to the people we love: they trust our opinions and take our words to heart.

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1. “Everything happens for a reason.”

I turn crimson to think I used to say this to people. It’s a ghastly, privileged mindset: you don’t find the victims of domestic abuse or racial prejudice spouting nonsense like that.

I wouldn’t advise saying “everything happens for a reason” in any circumstance because I don’t believe it to be true. But I’d especially recommend you don’t say it to anyone experiencing loss or illness: it makes it sound like you think they’ve somehow earned their pain. “What will be will be” falls into the same category; it can make people feel helpless and out of control: the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.

2. “It could be worse.”

When we say “it could be worse” what we want to do is cheer someone up but what we actually do is shut them down. We might as well say “Your feelings will never be valid because someone else in the world will always be in a worse situation.”

Human beings don’t work like that: we’re not totally fine with being told we have stage 3 cancer just because somebody else was diagnosed with stage 4.

Show empathy by acknowledging your loved ones pain, even if it’s something you personally might not feel upset about. “That sounds really hard” or “I’m sorry you’re having to experience this” validates someone’s experience. If you follow up with “How are you feeling about that?” or something similar you’ll also be giving them the opportunity to confide in you.

3. “Everything is going to be alight.”

The problem with this is that everything is not necessarily going to be alright; it’s not something we can guarantee for our loved ones, however fervently we wish we could. Our loved ones aren’t stupid — they know that.

Personally, I’m more comforted when someone acknowledges the uncertainty of life while letting me know I’m not alone. “I know you’re scared, but I’m here for you no matter what.” Or “We can’t know what will happen in the future, but right now things are OK” are kinder and more effective.

4. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

We need to learn that the best way to heal wounds is not to just repeat our intentions over and over again. When we hurt someone, regardless of whether we meant to or not, our job isn’t to defend ourselves, it’s to listen.

Phrases like “I didn’t mean it like that” and “You’ve got it all wrong” fail to acknowledge the validity of another person’s feelings and blame them for misconstruing your words. What’s far more effective is “I’m sorry. I understand why you feel hurt by what I said. I expressed myself badly — what I meant to say was (insert kinder sentiment here).”

5. “You should (insert instruction here).”

Here are a few things loved ones have told me I should do: wear more makeup/ wear less makeup; eat more/ eat less; make more money/ focus on my creative work. The list goes on. And on and on. Guess how many times this has made me react with “Wow. Thanks so much for letting me know where I’m going wrong. I feel great!”? Never.

People are under the mistaken impression giving unasked-for advice is helpful: they think they see where you’re “going wrong” and want to help you correct your course. There are two problems here. Either we’re already sensitive about what’s being suggested: for example, we’re well aware we could lose a little weight and someone reminding us only makes us feel worse. Alternatively, we were perfectly happy as we were but now suddenly feel as though there’s something wrong with us.

Telling someone what they should do is never kind and never helps.

#6 “You need to move on.”

Grief is both complex and commonplace. We might feel an intense loss after more than just a death: when we go through a breakup; when we move home; when we become a parent for the first time, leaving our old life behind.

It’s never our job to tell someone to “move on” or “get over it” because that’s not how grief works. I still miss friends and boyfriends I’ve lost to breakups; I still think about people and pets who’ve died. I never really “got over it”, I just adapted to live with the pain.

If you want to help someone pick up the pieces, let them know it’s OK to still talk about whatever they’ve lost for as long as they want. Let them know moving on doesn’t have to mean forgetting. Let them know it’s OK to feel joy and sadness at the same time. The last thing they need is more pressure.

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These little things we say to loved ones, these throwaway comments we make, may seem small but they can make a big impact on how our relationships unfold. If we move away from sayings that unintentionally shut people down or make them feel defensive, we may be able to build stronger bonds with those we love — and I believe that’s something worth striving for.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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