Secure relationships are rare. Most of us carry wounds, fears and insecurities from past experiences that prevent us from sharing our inner worlds and building authentic connections.
Maybe you’re stuck in push-pull dynamics, maybe you find yourself attracting emotionally unavailable people over and over again. Whatever it is, we all have our own patterns, and more often than not, they’re not secure.
However, it’s possible to find a secure partner.
If you’re not one of the lucky people who have a secure attachment style (and therefore find it easier to be in secure relationships), the best thing you can do is work on becoming secure yourself.
This way, you naturally gravitate towards healthy dynamics, not only because you’re able to identify red flags for what they are instead of romanticizing them, but also because you refuse to settle for anything less than what’s truly good for you.
I used to be insecurely attached and managed to change my attachment style to secure, so believe me, I know.
Here are 6 traits of securely attached people. Embody them and you’ll inevitably get yourself into authentic, meaningful relationships.
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1. A secure partner gives you all the freedom you need while still making you feel safe
In secure relationships, there’s an amazing balance between freedom and safety.
You don’t feel stuck to your partner, nor do you feel trapped by your relationship. In fact, you feel free to explore life and chase your passions because you feel safe to do so — emotionally safe.
This is what Bowlby (the British psychologist who first created attachment theory) called a secure base: the idea that having someone who comforts you and reassures you is exactly what gives you the confidence to go out into the world and do your thing.
2. A secure partner is aware of their own emotional needs
Awareness of emotional needs is almost an act of rebellion in today’s world. We live in societies that love the go go go mentality, glorify high achievements and disdain everything that’s not in alignment with those standards.
However, securely attached individuals tend to be highly self-aware, which allows them to be conscious of their thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Self-awareness is key to develop strong relationships because once you know what you need to thrive emotionally, it’s much easier to effectively communicate your needs and boundaries to others, including you partner.
For instance, I used to beat myself up for feeling like I need to have my own space and time to recharge. Now I recognize this is just one of my emotional needs, and that I’m a much better company when I respect it.
3. A secure partner encourages your self-expression
It can take some time for us to feel confident in our ability to express ourselves, but a secure partner makes it much easier.
In the beginning of my relationship, I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings and emotions because I had spent years stuffing them down and pretending everything was fine. But I soon realized my partner was genuinely interested in my inner world, and I felt safe to share it with him.
Secure people trust themselves. They don’t feel threatened by your emotions, no matter how broken or messed up you think you are.
In fact, they know vulnerability is a strength that will nourish the bond you share. They know how to handle adversity in life and will have no problem giving you the reassurance you need.
4. A secure partner hears you without invalidating your thoughts/emotions
Emotional invalidation is not something we talk about very often, but it’s a real problem and it’s much more common than we think.
Many people have the tendency to deny, shame, minimize or invalidate your feelings:
“Sometimes emotional invalidation is done accidentally by someone who is well-meaning but has a low emotional intelligence or simply isn’t paying attention to your feelings (…) Other times, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences.”
Sharon Martin, in Emotional Invalidation: A Form of Emotional Abuse
On the other hand, securely attached people love to hear you and connect with you on a deeper level. They don’t judge you or minimize your experience — they know your feelings are valid just because they are.
5. A secure partner is aware of their fears and insecurities and doesn’t project them onto you
It’s normal to build a wall if you’ve been deceived before. It’s normal to have a fear of abandonment if you’ve been abandoned before.
The problem is, we usually let these fears take over our lives. Instead of processing them and moving on, we cling onto them, giving them a power they shouldn’t have. From that point on, we project them onto the people we share our life with.
However, once you’re aware of your fears and you make a conscious effort to heal them, they gradually lose their power — and this is what secure people do. Their baggage no longer disturbs them because they’re aware of it. They know their fear is not real.
6. A secure partner respects you and supports you in all circumstances, with no anger or resentment involved
Authentic love has no room for resentment, and this is something secure people know well.
In a previous article, I wrote:
“In authentic love, your respect for each other shows itself even in the middle of a fight. There’s no yelling, emotional tactics, or manipulation — instead, there’s clear communication.
You feel free to express sadness, hurt, and anger, while still appreciating your partner and knowing you’ll always be heard and supported. You feel free to set boundaries and to let your partner know what’s going on in your heart.”
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A secure relationship is a beautiful thing to experience. It creates space for mutual growth and makes you feel supported regardless of how turbulent your life is.
You can’t find a secure relationship if you’re stuck in insecure patterns. Sure, having a secure partner will help you heal your wounds, but you’re the only one who can start your healing journey.
I still had many insecure tendencies when I first met my partner, but the thing is, I was aware of them. I knew they were there, and I knew I had to work through them. And we still work through them together to this day, but it’s much easier now.
Are you ready to start working through yours?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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