6 Ways to Stop Punishing Yourself With Hurtful Self-talk

“You’ll never make it. You might as well quit right now and save yourself the embarrassment. You’re too weak and scared. Who do you think you are anyway? Just give up”.

This might sound like some emotional abuser, but it was what I said to myself leading up to my Karate black belt grading. I had dreamt of this day, and now I was scared stiff.

My inner voice was torturing me.

Fortunately, I knew how to ignore it and got the black belt. I will show you how you can dismiss your inner critic.

1. Become aware of it.

The first step is simple awareness. If I hadn’t experienced my self-sabotage in the past, I might have panicked at these negative thoughts.

.Where did they come from?

.Are they a prophecy?

The “gurus” on Twitter always preach to trust your gut, and mine told me to run for the hills.

I knew what was going on. The voice was my mind; I could not see the future, and the Twitter gurus could take a run and jump.

Get to know your inner critic by spending time with yourself, setting aside distractions, and trying to get to the bottom of your discomfort.

.Reflect on your thoughts.

.What are they?

.What is driving your negativity?

.How are you feeling before and after this new awareness?

Take this one step further and begin journaling. It doesn’t matter if you have a fancy diary or how you write.

What matters is getting your thoughts down on paper. A good writer is a clear thinker. Writing organizes the chaos inside your mind.

You’ll be able to chart your progress over time without any delusions. The more light and knowledge you shine on your negative self-talk, the weaker it becomes.

It’s not something to fight and rip out of you. You need to understand and treat it with kindness.

2. Challenge it.

Now you’ve grown to understand your negative self-talk, you need to challenge it.

Start by catching as many negative beliefs you have about yourself as possible. This is difficult because these beliefs are so insidious and persistent but it doesn’t matter; keep practicing catching them.

Recognize the difference between an honest appraisal of your situation and abilities, which will be constructive and compassionate, and just plain negativity, which serves no purpose.

Once you start catching these beliefs, use positive affirmation to challenge them. This could be by repeating positive messages to yourself, either in your head or aloud.

You could listen to uplifting music. No joke, but before my Karate grading, I listened to the theme of Rocky. I needed to believe I was hard as nails for the next hour or two.

So I told myself that I was.

3. Reality test it.

Do you have evidence to support the things you say about yourself? How about evidence to the contrary?

Remember when I was telling myself how weak and scared I was and how I was destined to fail?

Well, I reminded myself I was also a boxer. I had passed gradings up to the black belt and trained at a tough club where I had taken and given a beating every week.

I knew higher-ranking students, and the Instructors considered me strong and resilient.

I had plenty of external, credible evidence to show I wasn’t weak.

So, what evidence can you find to go against your negative voice? Could there be an alternative explanation for whatever is hounding you?

Imagine a date where your partner doesn’t show up. You’ll blame yourself first and think it’s because you are ugly or not successful enough. Maybe you’re boring and tame.

But maybe they had an emergency. Perhaps they were not a good fit for you, and it’s no one’s fault. They could have forgotten.

There are many reasons why your date went wrong that stop short of you being a horrible, disgusting person.\

4. Stop magnifying the negatives and ignoring all the positives.

In short, stop catastrophizing. Force yourself to write down positive things about your situation to counter the negative.

Very few situations are entirely bad (although there are some). Setbacks can be reframed in a positive light.

The things you focus on grow strength. So writing down positive things causes you to think positively and notice more to feel grateful about.

You’re reverse engineering your future happiness.

How likely are the horrific prophesies in your mind? I was unlikely to die in my Karate grading. No one has died or suffered permanent damage in the club’s history.

I could expect to get punched and kicked. Broken bones weren’t out of the question, but in past encounters, I had broken my ribs and toe, which wasn’t the end of the world.

These things would be uncomfortable, but they wouldn’t be a disaster, which is the distinction you must make.

Grow comfortable with discomfort and recognize few things are a disaster. You aren’t going to wrestle a saber-toothed tiger or fight bears for your dinner.

You’ll be ok.

5. Step outside yourself.

Reasoning with your brain is a very insular process. You’re using your mind to overcome the limitations of your mind.

It’s enough to drive you mad.

So try to get outside of your head. Ask yourself what your best friend would say about the situation and what you say to yourself.

Your best friend would want the best for you and would talk to you with encouragement and compassion. If you had to learn a hard truth, they would break it to you gently. And they would believe in you no matter what.

You’re the most important person in your life. So why can’t you do this? Why set yourself at a disadvantage with your self-loathing?

Go one step further and talk it out with your best friend or trusted family member. Don’t just open up to anyone — trusting the wrong person is worse than relying on no one at all — but compare how someone who loves you speaks to you with how you talk to yourself.

6. Stop being polarizing.

I struggle with this concept because I used to be a Police Officer. In my job, I learned to see the world as divided between good and evil. There was nothing in the middle. If you didn’t qualify as good, you were terrible by default.

At the other extreme was a therapist who told me even a rapist isn’t all bad because he liked playing with his cat. Don’t ever get to that stage.

I can now recognize some shades of grey. Some police are not good guys, and some petty criminals aren’t all bad.

So be kind to yourself. Find a good point for every negative.

.What are you good at?

.What do you contribute to the world?

.Who loves you and why?

Also, keep in mind that even your worst mistakes can hold lessons that will change your life for the better.

You might lose a business, but with the knowledge you gained, you go on to 10x your income.

You might lose a relationship and go on to meet the love of your life.

Pain is never wasted if you learn from it. Every successful person has failed more than other people even try. So start challenging your negative voice so that you can tame it and make it work for you with compassionate constructive criticism.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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