7 Signs You’re Way Too Emotionally Dependent on Your Partner

In the last year of high school, I was in a serious relationship and suffered from separation anxiety.

I was never diagnosed with any serious mental disorders. But I had built a strong emotional dependency on my girlfriend and anxiety about losing her.

Here are some signs that you can tell you have built a strong emotional dependency on your partner.

You Can’t Spend Time Away From Them

Spending quality time with your partner is essential in a healthy relationship. But, not being able to spend any time away from each other is a red flag.

I couldn’t spend any time away from my girlfriend. I either wanted to be with her in person or speak to her on the phone.

We also didn’t go to the same school which meant I dreaded going to school without her. The only thing I looked forward to every day was seeing her or talking to her on the phone.

I would sometimes skip school and bike to her school which was about a 50-minute bike ride from my house. And any time I was with her, I would get anxious about having to leave her in a few hours.

Something we did a lot — almost every day — was FaceTiming or calling each other when we were at home. We’d call each other as soon as we both got home and we would spend the entire day talking to each other on the phone.

We’d FaceTime for the sake of having each other’s company as we were doing our daily activities such as studying. If this is something you do as well, it’s fine as long as you don’t it too much.

The problem was that I couldn’t focus if she wasn’t on FaceTime with me. I would get anxious every time she had to hang up. And I would get anxiety attacks every time her phone turned off and I couldn’t reach her for a couple of minutes.

In a healthy relationship, both parties need time away from each other at times. You can’t spend every minute of every day with your partner and get anxious when you’re not.

Spending time with your partner is great, but don’t let it become something that you get dependent on. You both need to spend some time away from each other to spend quality time alone or with your family and friends.

Your Relationships With Your Family and Friends Start to Suffer

Speaking of spending time with your family and friends, make sure that you don’t neglect them. Spending so much time with your partner that your other relationships suffer is not a good sign.

I spent so much time with my girlfriend that I would go days without speaking to my little brother or my parents.

She would be on FaceTime with me when I was eating, studying, hanging out in my room, or watering the backyard.

I remember spending hours watering the backyard so I could talk to her on the phone and delay having to study.

It felt like I didn’t live with my parents anymore as I spent very little time with them.

I also wouldn’t spend time with my friends anymore. I would decline all invitations to parties and hangouts where she wasn’t going to be. And I wouldn’t hang out with my best friends as much as I used to because I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her.

Don’t let your romantic relationships damage your existing ones. You need to make sure that you always have time for your family, friends, and loved ones.

Your Professional Life Starts to Suffer

As you might have guessed, my academics weren’t going well because of my relationship.

I spent very little time studying, I would skip a lot of classes, and I would hand in assignments late.

The worst part was that I didn’t care that I wasn’t doing well at school anymore.

Before the relationship, I spent my time doing a variety of different things. I did my school work, spent time with my family and friends, practiced guitar, and more. But after a few months of being in the relationship, I stopped caring about anything else other than it.

As I said, I would be on FaceTime with my girlfriend almost every time we were studying. But the problem was that she was the one studying. She would also try to get me to study — props to her for that — but I wouldn’t study one bit.

I had a hard time focusing on anything other than her, and I couldn’t get her out of my head. I would spend time imagining what our next date would be or what gift I would get her next time I saw her.

As a result, my academic life took a pretty hard hit. And I didn’t care until it was too late and I was very close to having my university admission taken away from me.

Make sure that you always keep your professional life in check, whether it’s work or school. A committed relationship shouldn’t stop you from dedicating time to your professional life.

You Can’t Imagine a Future for Yourself Without Your Partner

This is also a good thing in a healthy relationship. It’s good to get to a point in a relationship where you see yourself with your partner for the rest of your lives.

But for me, it wasn’t a good thing.

I’m quite an ambitious person. Before the relationship, I was very competitive and I wanted to get into some of the best schools in Canada. I was very focused on making my dream a reality and getting into the programs I wanted.

I would imagine what my post-secondary education would be like if I got into the schools I wanted. I would think about what my lifestyle would be like and what I needed to do to succeed. But, after being in a relationship for a couple of months, all that changed and my goals moved to the back of my head.

I no longer thought about the programs that I wanted to get into and what I had to do once I got in. Instead, all I could think about was how I could spend time with my girlfriend once I started university.

I was planning on moving outside of Toronto, where I live, to attend my favorite university. But then I started thinking about staying in the city to be with her once I started university. I started thinking about how I could spend the most time with her once school started. I even started thinking about how I could move in with her once we were a little older.

I had forgotten about all the goals and desires I had, and now all I wanted to do was to spend more time with her. I had completely lost all my ambitions and motivation. I felt like I couldn’t live without her, and that’s not healthy.

A healthy relationship helps you achieve your goals faster. Your partner should motivate you to do better, not to keep you from achieving all the things you once wanted.

You Feel Like Your Relationship Is on Borrowed Time

This is one of the biggest signs that you’ve built an emotional dependency on your partner.

Near the end of my relationship, I constantly feared the relationship ending. I would get anxious thinking about how I would feel if the relationship ended. And I knew that day was coming soon.

I knew that I had become too emotionally dependent on my girlfriend and that she felt it too. She thought the best thing for me would be to end the relationship, so I could focus on myself. And again, she was right and props to her for that.

But, at the time, ending that relationship felt like hell.

I couldn’t imagine myself without her. And knowing that the relationship would end soon, made me want to spend more time with her.

I felt like our relationship was on borrowed time and that it was going to end at any time now.

That gave me more anxiety and it sparked up a lot of arguments. There were a lot of long nights of me and her on the phone arguing for hours. And that wasn’t good for either of us.

If you’re anxious about your relationship ending soon, you need to talk to your partner about it. Don’t hold it in and don’t try to delay the conversation. You will have to talk about it at some point, and the sooner you do it, the better.

Be honest and open with your partner and try to understand each other’s perspectives. That way, you’ll make the best decision going forward and you’ll thank yourself for it later.

You Easily Get Irritated When Things Go Wrong

Another thing I went through a lot was getting irritated when things didn’t go as planned.

If a date got canceled because something came up, I would get angry.

If we argued over stupid shit, I would get angry about arguing which would escalate the argument more.

If she wouldn’t answer my phone calls because her phone had died, I would get anxious.

All in all, I would easily get irritated when the slightest thing went wrong.

I couldn’t control my feelings, so I wanted to try to control everything else. That’s not healthy.

It wasn’t good for my mental health and it wasn’t helping the relationship either.

You need to learn how to find peace within yourself before you can have a peaceful relationship.

You Constantly Look for Distractions to Get Your Mind Off of Them When They’re Not Around

This is something I started to do right before the relationship was about to end.

I knew that things weren’t going well and that the relationship was going to end soon, but I was in denial. So, I tried to find as many distractions as possible.

I would spend time with my friends to try to stop myself from thinking about her. I would binge-watch shows on Netflix to stop myself from thinking about her. And I would drink a lot when I went to parties to forget about her for just a second.

I was living a life of denial, chasing unhealthy distractions.

But suddenly, everything changed.

We eventually broke up and I went through some of the darkest few months of my life.

But then I made an attempt to get my life back together. So, I started working out.

In reality, I first started working out because I thought I could still win her over with my new body. I know, not my proudest moment. But then I found something in working out that brought me peace of mind.

After about 3 months of working out, I started getting over my anxiety problems. I wasn’t chasing unhealthy distractions anymore. I had started university at that point and I started to take my academics seriously again.

I finally felt like myself again, but this time, a new and improved version of myself.

Conclusion

In hindsight, that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I learned how to become emotionally independent after that relationship. I know it may be cliché, but I learned how to love myself after that relationship. I picked up the habit of working out which I never gave up since then. And that helped me gain more confidence and feel good in my own skin.

My mental health got the greatest benefits. I got over my anxiety problems and I found my way back to feeling motivated and ambitious.

A lot has changed since then and my life has changed in ways that I couldn’t imagine back then. I mean, if you told my 18-old-self that I would be making money writing articles online, I would laugh. But, things have changed and I love everything that I’ve been through.

All that I have gone through has made me stronger and thought me a lot of valuable lessons that I’m grateful for.

So, rethink things if you’re in a similar situation to mine with your relationship. Find out the most constructive ways to fix the problems you have. Be honest with your partner and try to work things out between each other.

You don’t have to end your relationship if you have a few problems. But you do have to ask yourself how you could work on yourself to fix the problems you have. Ask yourself whether you’ve built a strong emotional dependency on your partner. And take the steps necessary to gain back your confidence and independence. Both your current and your future relationships will benefit from that.

Thanks so much for reading this article. I hope you learned something from it. And I hope it inspired you to make a change for the better in your life and relationships.

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Previously published on medium

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