Do you find yourself having doubts about your partner? Do you sometimes feel deep within your guts that your partner may not feel the same way you do?
In this article, I’ll share some ideas from my own experience that’ll help you to gain a little bit of clarity. Something to note is, these are my experiences, thoughts, and opinions. So as you read through, know that context is relevant. But most importantly, a good understanding of your partner is also key.
However, one thing is for sure, love is universal. And if someone truly loves you, whether they’re not very vocally expressive of those feelings, somehow, in their own unique way, you’ll feel it.
Willingness to sacrifice
The truest measure of love is in what we’re willing to sacrifice. There’s no better way to measure love. Love isn’t only about what we’re willing to do. It’s about what we are willing to give up.
He may spend a lot of money on you. But it doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. The question to ask yourself is, what are they willing to give up for me?
Will she be willing to quit smoking, if it goes against your value? Will he give up drinking? What about cutting down her numerous male friends? Will they be willing to give up their unproductive lifestyle?
If it serves your relationship, someone who loves you will be willing to give up anything for you. Especially if it’s a habit that’ll better their life and strengthen your relationship.
Appreciate your presence in their life
Appreciation is being grateful for someone you deeply love. And what comes with that is, the unwillingness to lose you. So when they mess up, they patiently fix things up with you. Unless you hold no value in their life. Or they value their ego more than you.
When your partner truly loves you, they love you in a way that makes you feel valued. They’ll say things like; ‘I don’t know what I did to deserve you.’ Or to be funny, they’ll say; ‘you’re so crazy to love me.’
A good sign that shows you’re appreciated is how long it takes them to reach out when they offend you. How do they admit they’re wrong? Though this may differ due to personality and character. Something to look out for is their energy whenever they ask for forgiveness.
If they get impatient or simply just moved on because you’re taking your time to warm up to their apology. Or they easily end the call on you and stay hours or days without caring how you’re feeling, then watch out.
Do they involve you?
In my place we have a saying that goes;
“if they don’t include you, don’t include yourself. And if they later include you, still don’t include yourself. Because e get why.”
What that means is, if you get to find out about something important, it could be an event or an important plan your friends are having without you, this quote is saying, ‘there’s a reason why they didn’t include you in the first place.’ So if they later include you, don’t be naive. Know your place.
What sets a romantic relationship apart from other relationships, is inclusion. No matter how private your partner is, if you don’t feel included in their life, or in the big decisions they’re making, then you must pay attention.
This doesn’t mean they seek your approval. At the end of the day, they’re the ones to make the final decision in their life. But a partner who loves you would want you to feel like you’re important to them. So by inviting you to a discussion or what’s going on in their life, they desire to build a connection with you.
They don’t value your opinion
Lovers seek each other out to hear their opinions. They don’t necessarily have to do everything their partner suggests. But there’s a show of the desire to hear their lovers’ thoughts on a subject or a decision.
If you’re dating someone who rarely asks for your opinion, it’s something you want to pay attention to. What about when you give your opinion, do they just brush it off? That’s also a red flag.
Understand that, not only do we do certain things to make our partners feel special, but we also do certain things like asking their opinion because when you truly love someone, their opinion matters.
When your partner sees a future with you, they’ll want to hear your thoughts on certain issues and big decisions.
You feel you never get your way
Couples are softest towards their partners. This doesn’t mean they don’t tell you ‘no’ sometimes. However, when you feel like you never have your way, then something’s definitely worth paying attention to.
Love is about compromises. We compromise to build bridges, create closure and understanding. In an argument, do you feel you never get your point across? Not because it’s entirely senseless, but because your partner is ever unwilling to see sense in what you say.
The sweet thing about romance is that we like to believe we hold the key to unlocking our partners. That we know what buttons to push to get on their soft side. This is truer for women. No matter how strong or macho their man may seem, they want to feel they have the power of influence over them. And rightly so.
If you can’t seem to change your partner’s mind over even the littlest of things, you better watch out.
They risk being vulnerable with you
Peace is being able to be yourself around someone you love. The only way we experience the true depth of love is when we’re comfortable with being vulnerable.
Once we feel deeply for someone, we want to know if we can be ourselves around them. It’s kinda like a game we play. Slowly we reveal our quirks and weirds, while we carefully watch their reaction.
The more accepted we are, the more relaxed we become, and the more deeply in love we fall. When we’re searching for love, we’re not only interested in someone fancying our strengths. No! We actually are looking for someone to smile at our weaknesses.
So vulnerability is a good way to know who’s really into you. Do they allow themselves, or at the least, try, to be vulnerable with you?
However, you must know vulnerability is our biggest fear. There’s nothing we fear more than being judged or rejected. Many people would rather see a relationship end than risk being vulnerable. So first understand your partner.
They’ll choose you over their ego
Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist once said; “it’s not a very nice thing to win an argument over your wife.” And I agree.
During an argument, it’s easy to want to be right. Couples who often have difficulty in communication or understanding each other, are couples who often refuse to concede an argument. They forget that in a relationship, it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong.
When a conversation is about who’s right and who’s wrong, you create two opposing parties. One who’ll lose. And another who’ll win. A person who lost is never happy. Unhappiness creates resentment. And resentment creates distance within a relationship.
You don’t want to find yourself in a relationship where your partner doesn’t fancy having a meaningful conversation with you. Because they feel each time, it ends with you being right.
Someone who really loves you would often choose you over their ego. They’ll resent embarrassing you. But most importantly, they’ll see sense in your point of view, even though it’s opposed to theirs.
Being in love is beautiful. Being loved back by the person you love is a miracle. In contrast, being with someone that doesn’t really love you, can be the bitterest experience.
This listicle isn’t a full-proof sign of not being loved. It’s meant to be a guide. To give a little idea to a large complex subject. But in all, trust your gut. If you feel you’re not getting all the love you desire, then chances are, you’re right.
Only you know how you want to be loved. So in the end, be the one to have the final say in your decision.
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Previously Published on medium
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