We often hear that experience is the best teacher, and never was this truer for me than when I found myself in a bad marriage.
It’s a period of my life I’ll never forget, it tested my strength, resilience, and self-worth in ways I never imagined. However, as time passed and wounds healed, I came to realize that even the darkest moments can hold valuable lessons.
Here are seven things I learned from being in a deeply troubled relationship:
1. Boundaries are not negotiable
In the beginning, I mistook compromise for sacrificing my own needs entirely.
I learned that setting and respecting boundaries is not just a right, but a necessity for any healthy relationship. It’s not about building walls, but about creating space for mutual respect, individual growth, and shared understanding.
A union that disregards boundaries risks becoming a suffocating cage.
Without these clear lines, it’s easy to lose yourself in the needs and desires of the other person. It’s wise to have a sense of self that is distinct from the relationship.
This realization was very important for me; it allowed me to reestablish my identity and find my voice.
2. Communication is the lifeblood
The breakdown in our communication was a telltale sign that my marriage was in jeopardy.
We often assume that our partner knows what we need, but true intimacy requires active, open, and honest conversation. I came to understand that listening, empathizing, and expressing oneself constructively are important in any thriving relationship.
Without them, resentment and misunderstanding will keep you apart.
In the midst of our troubles, I found that we were talking at each other, not with each other.
It was a painful realization, but it sparked a commitment to change. We went to therapy and learned how to communicate well, which has been invaluable in recovering lost trust and understanding.
3. Self-love is not selfish
In the midst of everything, I forgot the importance of self-love.
I realized that taking care of myself isn’t selfish but a prerequisite for being present and supportive in a relationship. It’s not about neglecting a partner, but about ensuring that both of us are whole, capable of giving and receiving love without conditions or dependencies.
I’d been so focused on trying to be what I thought my partner needed, I forgot to take care of myself.
Rediscovering self-love was like finding a wellspring of strength within me. It allowed me to be a better partner, but more importantly, it helped me reclaim my own happiness.
4. Red flags shouldn’t be ignored
I now understand the importance of recognizing and addressing red flags early on.
Whether it’s patterns of disrespect, controlling behavior, or manipulation, turning a blind eye only prolongs the inevitable. Trust your instincts and acknowledge when something is fishy.
Reflecting on my past, I can see the signs that I chose to overlook.
It’s tempting to believe that things will improve or that love will conquer all, but sometimes, accepting that a relationship is toxic is crucial.
It takes courage to walk away, but it’s a decision that can ultimately lead to a brighter future.
5. A superpower called resilience
Getting through a bad marriage requires a level of resilience I never knew I possessed.
Healing from heartbreak and rebuilding a life takes time, patience, and belief in yourself. It’s a testament to human strength and our ability to not only survive but thrive when going through hard times.
There were moments when I felt utterly defeated, but I learned that it’s okay to lean on others for support.
With my friends, family, and therapy, I found the strength to navigate the storm. Each step forward was a victory.
6. Asking for help is a sign of strength
For a long time, I didn’t want professional help, I believed it was a sign of weakness. However, I’ve learned that asking for support is an act of courage.
Whether therapy, counseling, or talking to someone you trust can provide valuable perspective and help to understand the situation better or see it from another angle.
Therapy, in particular, was a game-changer for both of us.
It provided a safe space to unpack our emotions, fears, and hopes.
It was a humbling experience to realize that asking for help is not a sign of failure, but a sign of our commitment to growth.
7. Closure Comes From Within:
Closure isn’t always neatly packaged with a bow. It’s a process.
True closure comes from within, from acknowledging the pain, learning from the experience, and finding peace in the present.
It’s about letting go of resentment and embracing the lessons, knowing that they’ve shaped you into a stronger, wiser person.
After the dust settled, I realized that closure wasn’t about seeking validation or apologies from my ex.
It was about finding peace in my own heart. It was about forgiving not for his sake, but for mine. It was about acknowledging that the experience, painful as it was, had contributed to my growth.
Coming from a truly bad marriage was a journey fraught with challenges, but in the end, it led me to a place of self-discovery and growth.
These seven lessons have guided my pursuit of healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Through it all, I’ve learned that even in the darkest moments, there is light, and from pain, there is the potential for tremendous personal transformation.
As I move forward, I carry these lessons with me, grateful for the wisdom they’ve bestowed upon me.
They serve as a reminder that no matter the trials we face, there is always an opportunity for growth, healing, and the possibility of finding love in its truest, most beautiful form.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Dev Asangbam on Unsplash