7 Things We’ve Been Lied to About Codependency

Unhealthy relationship dynamics are all around us. We see them in romantic relationships, friendships, families, and even in the workplace.

Some are fueled by a pattern of behavior in which individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own needs, often to the point of sacrificing their well-being. As a result, the word “codependency” was born.

But over the years, the word has undergone several modifications as to what it means and how it’s used. And unfortunately, this has led to many lies and misconceptions surrounding codependency.

The worst part is that people easily believe these lies because the word has been, in some ways, used as a tool to create shame, often thought of as a psychological disorder.

But here’s the thing: humans are wired to rely on each other for many things, including self-esteem building, comfort, and more.

The self-help world often promotes the idea that we should all be independent and whole on our own.

While there’s some truth to that, it’s also important to remember that acting as though you’re only responsible for taking care of your own needs can create unhealthy relationships too.

In reality, codependency is a complex issue that requires a nuanced understanding. But unfortunately, our culture has perpetuated several myths about codependency that contribute to the toxicity of our relationships.

In this post, we’ll explore seven of the most common lies we’ve been told about codependency and why they’re simply not true.

Myth #1: Seeking Emotional Support is a Sign of Codependency

The stigma around codependency has led to the perception that seeking emotional support from a partner is a sign of codependency or neediness.

However, this common belief is a myth that goes against the very nature of human evolution.

Humans have evolved to rely on each other for survival, and seeking emotional support from others is a natural and healthy behavior.

Research supports the idea that secure individuals are more likely to rely on their intimate partner for emotional support.

According to this article published in HelpGuide.org, individuals with secure attachment styles were more likely to seek comfort and support from their partners than those with insecure attachment styles.

This suggests that seeking emotional support from a partner is a sign of emotional security and confidence, rather than a sign of codependency or neediness.

Ironically, the belief that seeking emotional support is a sign of weakness goes against the very principles of self-care and individualism that it seeks to promote.

By denying ourselves the emotional support and comfort we need, we are neglecting our well-being and hindering our ability to function as healthy, independent individuals.

We all have a basic human need for emotional connection and support. It’s natural to feel vulnerable and in need of comfort at times, especially during challenging or stressful situations. By denying ourselves this basic need, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to experience the full range of human emotions and connections.

Contrary to popular belief, seeking emotional support from a partner is not a sign of codependency or neediness.

Rather, it is a sign of emotional security, confidence, and strength. Seeking emotional support is a natural and healthy behavior that allows us to connect with others and take care of ourselves.

So the next time you feel the need for emotional support, don’t hesitate to reach out to your partner — it’s a sign of health and strength, not weakness.

Myth #2: Independence is the Key to a Healthy Relationship

Independence is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship. Relying on others is a sign of weakness.

Hell yeah, I guess it’s time to think again.

Our culture has placed too much emphasis on being independent and not relying on others, but in reality, humans have relied on each other for survival since the beginning of our existence.

As the saying goes, “No man is an island.” We are social creatures who thrive on connection and support, and forming a special relationship with one other person has been a successful survival strategy for humans.

Interdependency, rather than independence, is a natural and healthy part of human relationships.

Again, healthy relationships involve relying on other people for things like self-esteem building, reassurance, soothing, nurturing, and strengthening our well-being.

Contrary to popular belief, the idea of dependency is not necessarily a negative trait, but rather a natural and healthy aspect of relationships. When we have loving, soothing, connecting, and nurturing behaviors in our relationships, we are more likely to be happy, have better moods, have better memory, have less pain, make more money, and live longer.

So why not embrace the benefits of interdependency and allow ourselves to rely on others for emotional support and well-being?

As the famous writer, Maya Angelou once said, “I sustain myself with the love of family.” We can all benefit from the support and love of others, and it takes strength and courage to admit that we need help sometimes.

So let’s challenge the myth that independence is the key to a healthy relationship and instead embrace the power of interdependency. By doing so, we can create stronger and more fulfilling relationships that enrich our lives in countless ways.

Myth #3: You Have to Love Yourself First Before You Can Love Someone Else

Have you ever been told that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else? It’s a common belief, I’ve even countlessly mentioned it in my previous articles, but it can be mind-bogglingly wrong in some contexts.

Imagine a newborn baby. From the moment they enter the world, they are loved and valued by those around them. They learn to love themselves by receiving love from others. Every skill they learn in life, including managing their emotions and expressing themselves honestly, is learned and practiced in relation to their caregivers, family, and society at large.

Contrary to popular belief, our ability to love ourselves and develop our sense of self-worth is entirely dependent on our relationships with others.

We cannot just do whatever we want whenever we want in our relationships with others. We must take care of their well-being and not just consider our own desires.

Sometimes, this means we don’t get to do what we want, but ultimately, we should prioritize the well-being of the relationship or society in which we live.

It’s time to challenge this myth and understand that our relationship with our partner is similar to our relationship with society at large. We must not only take care of ourselves, but we must also take care of our partners and society. We cannot just focus on our own desires and needs. This may seem obvious, but it’s often difficult to put into practice.

Think about it. If we ONLY FOCUS on loving ourselves, we become self-centered and selfish. We ignore the needs and desires of others, including our partners.

However, if we prioritize the well-being of our relationships and society, we learn to love ourselves in the process.

We become more empathetic, understanding, and compassionate individuals, which ultimately leads to a healthier and more fulfilling life.

Myth #4: Anyone Who Helps Others Is Codependent

Anyone who helps others is not necessarily codependent.

While it’s true that people with codependent traits tend to spend a lot of time taking care of others, this alone doesn’t make someone codependent. In fact, helping others can be a positive and fulfilling experience that brings joy and meaning to our lives.

However, it’s important to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy caretaking. Codependent caretaking tends to be excessive, enabling, and sometimes unwanted.

People with codependent traits may neglect their own needs to feel needed and important, and they may have a hard time saying “no” or feel guilty when they do.

Codependent caretaking can also involve trying to control and change people. While it may seem like we’re helping others by enabling them to avoid negative consequences, we’re allowing them to continue behaving in hurtful or dysfunctional ways.

This isn’t really helping them, but rather trying to manage our discomfort, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness.

Non-codependent caretaking, on the other hand, involves setting boundaries and balancing them with self-care.

It’s respectful and not forced on people who don’t want to change or don’t want the particular solution you’re set on.

This approach to helping others is grounded in logic, as it recognizes that the best way to support someone is by empowering them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their actions.

Myth #5: You’re Either Codependent or You’re not

Are you either codependent or not? That’s the myth.

The truth is that codependency exists on a spectrum. It’s not a simple, black-and-white issue. You may exhibit a few codependent behaviors or many, and the impact of those behaviors on your life can vary as well.

Don’t fall into the all-or-nothing trap. Don’t let the myth of codependency hold you back. Embrace the nuances of codependency and take control of your life.

If you’re struggling with codependency, it can be easy to feel trapped. It’s not uncommon to believe that you’re either completely codependent or completely codependency-free.

But this kind of thinking is dangerous. It can prevent you from recognizing the impact of your codependent behaviors and seeking help.

The reality is that codependency is a complex and nuanced concept that exists on a continuum.

Some people may only exhibit a few codependent traits, while others may exhibit many. The impact of these traits on your life can also vary, with some people experiencing significant problems due to codependency and others not experiencing as much of an impact.

But here’s the thing: wherever you fall on the codependency spectrum, it’s important to be honest with yourself about the impact of your behaviors.

Denial won’t help you. It’s time to take urgent action to address any codependent behaviors or traits that may be holding you back.

So don’t let the myth of codependency limit you. Embrace the complexities of this issue and take control of your life.

Myth #6: Codependency is Something That Can Be Fixed by Just Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is important for managing codependency, but it’s not a complete solution. Setting boundaries is not a cure-all for codependency.

It’s like trying to fix a broken bone with a band-aid. Yes, the band-aid can help protect the wound, but it’s not going to heal the bone.

If you’re struggling with codependency, it can be tempting to believe that setting boundaries will fix everything.

But the truth is that codependency is a complex issue that often involves deep-rooted emotional and psychological patterns. These patterns may have developed over a long time and may require a more comprehensive approach to overcome.

Setting boundaries is an important aspect of managing codependency, but it’s not a complete solution.

Effective treatment for codependency may involve therapy, support groups, self-care practices, and other strategies that address the underlying emotional and psychological issues that contribute to codependency.

It may also involve a willingness to confront and address any unhealthy patterns of behavior or thinking.

In short, while setting boundaries is an important aspect of managing codependency, it is not a complete solution on its own. Effective treatment requires a comprehensive approach that addresses the underlying emotional and psychological patterns that contribute to codependency.

If you’re struggling with codependency, remember that it’s not your fault and that there are resources available to help you overcome it. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support.

Myth #7: Codependency Doesn’t Make You Responsible for Someone’s Bad Behaviors

Codependency is a complex behavioral pattern that is often misunderstood. One common myth is that codependent individuals are responsible for the bad behaviors of their loved ones. However, this simply isn’t true.

First and foremost, each individual is ultimately responsible for their own behavior, regardless of any external factors that may influence them.

It is unfair and unrealistic to place the blame solely on codependent individuals for their loved ones’ actions.

In fact, codependency is a coping mechanism that allows individuals to maintain a sense of control over their relationships, even when those relationships are dysfunctional or harmful.

Codependent individuals may engage in enabling behaviors, such as covering up for their loved one’s addiction or making excuses for their behavior, but this does not mean that they are responsible for those behaviors.

It is important to recognize that codependency is a complex issue that often stems from underlying issues such as low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and a lack of healthy boundaries.

By addressing these issues and focusing on their own needs and well-being, codependent individuals can break free from the cycle of codependency and establish healthier relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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