8 Things You Desperately Want After Getting Rejected

My feelings were reaching an all-time high. We were standing on the cliff edge of good friends and lovers. I couldn’t wait for that next stage. But due to fate, I caught her bringing a guy back home at 2 A.M. Apparently, they’ve been together this whole time. I started struggling for oxygen — literally.

Of course, I know the best rational decision is to move on. Still, as a human being with emotions and ego, I start replaying every memory, analyzing whether I did something wrong or ignored the signs of disinterest from her because I was too eager to jump into a relationship. Everyone — and I mean every single person, including their dogs were telling me to let go. “It’s not worth it.” “You two weren’t even dating.” “She’s not a good fit anyway.”

The toggling between fighting for a chance and letting go drives us crazy. Moving on means to throw away a piece of us. But holding on is torture. So we become stuck in nonacceptance. Here are 8 ways denying reality manifests itself.

1.You wish you knew why

You can’t ask them why they didn’t choose you. Even if you did, the answers wouldn’t satisfy you. Either it’s dishonest or they couldn’t even explain their feelings themselves.

So you sit there and ask yourself.

Is it because he makes more money than me?

Is it because she doesn’t like my type?

Is it because of something I had done?

Why did she ever come on to me? For attention? Was there any true feeling at any point?

You’re desperate to know why you came up short. The actual reason usually isn’t as devastating as the uncertainty. It’s the fact that you don’t know that makes you anxious. Whatever the reasons are, they’re making you doubt yourself. Had you found out from her friend that she doesn’t date co-workers or has a distaste towards short people, you would have taken that punch to the gut. But nope. You’re left wondering just what the hell is wrong with you. If they chose someone else over you, you’re dying to know what she sees in him she doesn’t see from you.

2.You wish you could redo

If you guys went on dates or even just flirted, it means she at least somewhat likes you. Had you been more direct with your intentions, loosened up a little, or opened up a bit more, the result might have been different. You feel you missed a lifetime opportunity. You were this close. It hurts way more than knowing you never had a chance from the beginning.

3.You wish they didn’t mean exactly what they said when they rejected you

You interpret her “no’s” as playing-hard-to-get or shyness. You live in your fantasy bubble and don’t want to believe that she genuinely didn’t want to go on a second date. You start making excuses for her. “She’s really busy.” “She’s pretending not to be easy.”

Dopamine and norepinephrine cloud your judgment. No matter how subtle or clear she communicates to you she’s emotionally unavailable. You only see pink, blinded by love.

4.You wish they could see a new you

Sometimes you fall too deep to let go easily. You start to transform to change her perception of you. You upgrade your wardrobe. You lease a fancy car. You pick up a few interesting activities. You make some cool new friends. You act more sophisticated and confident than you’ve always been. Deep down, you’re hoping, maybe, just maybe, she’ll start to somewhat regret not having you in her life. Perhaps, you actually are a prize and it’s her loss.

5.You wish they got to know the real you more

You convince yourself that she never got to know you on a deeper level. She never discovered your unique traits. Perhaps she’s into art and you write poetry. Maybe she loves steak and you happen to make the best steak in town. Or, you have ambitions to make a change in the world and she’s been looking for someone with a huge purpose. Sometimes we don’t want to come across as needy and sell our qualities. We prefer them to find out organically.

You might be more compatible with her than she thinks, but unfortunately, timing plays a huge factor in two people connecting.

6.You wish you saved yourself from the embarrassment

Some days, as you reflect on the whole situation, you wish none of it ever happened or to the degree and it did. As someone who falls deep emotionally, I always push the relationship to the brink of awkwardness, to the point of them telling me to back off nicely. I’d never pressure them to like me. But sometimes I wish I could have restrained myself no matter how traumatic the moment seems.

A big part of this is about your ego. Knowing someone doesn’t reciprocate the same affection stings. But hearing them say it or communicating it through ghosting or blocking us on social media cripples your self-esteem.

7.You wish you could have been better

You might be one ingredient away from being with her. Had you been a little more financially stable, today would’ve been another story. The more you think back, the more you blame yourself for not investing in yourself earlier. What the hell were you doing in college? After college? Throughout your 20’s?

Now you really regret those years.

8.You wish you knew if you ever had a chance

You know the corny movie lines when the broken heart asks, “did you ever love me?”

You’re curious. Was she manipulating me? Was she strictly using me for attention and boredom? Or perhaps, she really did seriously consider you to be a potential romantic partner at one point?

None of that matters anymore but you can’t help but want to confirm whether you over-romanticized her like an idiot or were you right about her having feelings for you all along.

Heartbreak is healthy for growth

All of this trauma causes you to hover your hands on the emergency brakes in the future. You swear you’ll never rush into a relationship, become needy, or put all of your eggs in one basket ever again. You fear not having the strength to let go of someone you feel intensely for again.

You could do that or stay strong and use heartbreak as a rock bottom/rebirth moment.

Many people I know, especially women who’s been hurt at a young age drastically change their views toward relationships. They stop believing in love. They develop a disdain for monogamy. The pain is so draining and self-worth damaging that they rather retreat to superficial relationships and simply “have fun.”

I can’t judge that decision. But, doing so would mean getting burned for nothing. By learning to take love less seriously, you ultimately attract more meaningless and unsatisfying relationships centered around lust, attention, and pleasure.

But at the core, everyone craves lasting love. Instead of giving up on it, let’s use heartbreaks as an opportunity to grow. To better yourself for the next, better person.

Instead of swiping after a breakup or rejection,

• Recalibrate your standards and expectations
• Look for ways to advance your career
• Find side incomes
• Seek friends who are doing better than yourself
• Pick up new hobbies
• Join interesting activities

After every rejection, I’d sulk for a few days to a couple of weeks. I take that time to assess what I did wrong, and more importantly, how I can do better next time and who I need to become to attract the type of people I desire. I understand that jumping from one playful relationship to the next isn’t the path to finding someone worthwhile. It’s wiser to acknowledge why you failed in previous relationships and use that pain to catapult yourself into a true prize.

When you realize that a rejection is not only useful but sometimes necessary for becoming a better version of yourself, you’ll see it as a blessing as opposed to a curse.

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Previously Published on medium

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