8 Toxic Things to Avoid Saying to Your Love

Sometimes people are toxic. They know it, and they just don’t care. Other times, people don’t know. They’ve learned through life. They’ve learned through others. They’re not intending to be toxic, but living in an upbringing that has left them in a position where they still have room to grow doesn’t mean they’re bad if they want to grow and mature.

We all grow at different rates. A person not immediately being in the same place as you are is not a reason to write them off.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not being taught about healthy relationships doesn’t mean a person doesn’t want a healthy relationship.

Change is hard. People wanting to change will. The KEY is wanting to change and grow and putting in the time in the effort. Diamonds are not all that spectacular until they’re cut and polished.

I’m not suggesting you try and change somebody. I’m suggesting you facilitate their growth and see where it leads. I’m also saying you NEED to let go as soon as it’s toxic. I hope this writing will help you identify toxicity.

I know I will get some pushback here because some want an already polished gem. You must remember that nobody, not even you, started off as a pure jewel. Nobody starts off as impossibly perfect, nor does anybody become that, even though they may think they are. Life is growth, and we grow at different rates. The difference is potential and the desire to grow.

1.Why Are You Bringing This Up Again?

When you ask your partner, “ Why this again?,” they may become defensive or angry. You can count on the conversation ending badly after that. If they’re bringing it up, it was never resolved. If it’s not resolved on both ends, it’s still an issue.

Natasha Deen, LCPC, NCC, a therapist at Golden Hour Counseling, explains that this type of question indicates the asker does not want to continue the conversation and does not think the topic is worthwhile to revisit because it has been discussed at length before. “Such an attitude is dismissive of a partner’s desire to talk about issues that may be bothering them. Asking a question like this can make the person asking feel superior to their partner as if their opinion matters more than their love’s.”

2. Don’t Get Upset

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The phrase disregards your partner’s emotions. According to Ashley Weigl, LLMSW, MPH, a therapist who specializes in working with couples, “everyone will have their own reactions to specific issues, circumstances, and events,” and a response like this labels their emotional response as the “wrong” one. Emotions are real. If an emotion isn’t rational or convenient for you makes it no less real. Invalidating your love like this will rain down hell on your relationship.

Replace the statement with a question. “Help me understand what is making you struggle right now. So that I may better understand “

Be cautious; the word, ‘Why,’ demands justification, meaning they must explain themselves. When things are already a powder keg of emotion, that word may be what lights the fuse.

3. Let It Go

Since resolving some problems takes time, using this phrase can be counterproductive. It’s another invalidating i.e., your feelings don’t matter to me situation.

“It can be helpful to invite a conversation if we want our partners to let go of a problem truly. Saying something like, “I see that this comes up for us often, and I want to understand why this issue feels so important to you,” is a good place to start. It’s a start. That is another quote by Ashley Weigl, LLMSW, MPH

Question further by asking can you elaborate and clarify this for me? “ As the proverb goes, “then listen sincerely, apologize sincerely if necessary, collaborate with your partner to solve the problem, and give it time.” After this problem has been fixed completely, it won’t be an issue anymore.

4. Give Me An Example

A licensed marriage and family therapist named Lauren Consul explains in a TikTok video that asking your partner to “give you an example” of a time you behaved a certain way is tantamount to challenging them to prove that their statement is valid. This is actually rather a relationship and trust detrimental.

There is, however, a useful approach to this inquiry. Consul says this is helpful if the question is asked out of genuine interest in learning and improvement.

“There is an approach from genuine curiosity and understanding that helps us grow, and there

is a toxic approach that puts our partner on the defensive and creates a disconnect,” speaks Consul.

5. Please Don’t Feal That Way

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Your partner will a low more after hearing this. After hearing this phrase. Assistant professor of counseling psychology at Delaware Valley University Brianna Morgis, PhD, LMFT, explains that saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” after saying something hurtful isn’t really an apology or taking responsibility for your words. “Instead, you are subtly suggesting that your partner’s distress is their own fault,” the author writes.

Morgis recommends rephrasing this as “I’m sorry that I said/did that and upset you” or something similar.

I have my own personal take on the situation. Don’t open your mouth in high-tension times unless you’re willing to take responsibility for and own your words. Perhaps that will give you reasons to pause and think about your words.

6. I’m Sorry You Feel That Way But…

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There’s truth in the statement that anytime somebody uses the word ‘but,’ everything coming prior to that word is false.

Your partner will feel more at fault after hearing this phrase. Assistant professor of counseling psychology at Delaware Valley University Brianna Morgis, PhD, LMFT, explains that saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” after saying something hurtful isn’t really an apology or taking responsibility for your words. “Instead, you are subtly suggesting that your partner’s distress is their own fault,” the author writes.

There are times when things need to be said, and there are also times when you are wrong. Either way, you must take ownership of how you bring it up and what you say.

You think in your head there is a right and wrong to whatever the situation is, but there is also a right and wrong as to how you address it.

7. I Hear You But..

But is another key factor, and I ask you to reference the comment I made above about the word ‘but.’

The “but” in this phrase, as pointed out by Consul, can lead to misunderstandings between you and your significant other. Instead, you should elaborate on your stance.

Consul recommends rewording this to read: “I understand how distressed you are, but I don’t see things the same way. Have I got your permission to reveal this information right now?”

8. My Friends And Their Partners Don’t Give A Darn About…

You set yourself up for failure by comparing your relationship to your friends’ partners. The relationship expert Consul suggests rephrasing this as a query that places the emphasis on how your spouse is feeling. For instance, one can ask, “Are you able to explain to me what it is about this situation that makes you feel so upset?”

In summary, sometimes recognizing toxic can stop you from being toxic and stop you from accepting toxic. The key is recognizing it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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