“You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions.” — Unknown
Toxic relationships start a cycle that is hard to break out of for both people in the relationship. They set a stage that lowers self-esteem and disrespects boundaries.
Fiona is my friend from high school. She has been stuck in an on and off relationship with her long-time boyfriend, Sean. She does not know what keeps her going back to him.
Sean disregards her feelings and continuously invalidates her. He gaslights her. I think he does not really love her. He just knows she is such an amazing person and he would hate to see her loving another person the way she loves him.
I have been a bad friend, but I am trying to do better.
Sean creates such a toxic environment and I usually prefer to stay away from both of them. However, when Fiona reached out last month looking for a place to stay for a few weeks, I allowed her to stay with me. They broke up. For the umpteenth time. Christ!
The stories she has regaled me with makes me want to shake her gently and tell her to run for the hills. Their relationship gives the word toxicity meaning. I can’t seem to get through to her. She says she loves him and can’t live without him.
Fiona. This is for you. I hope you will read it and gain some clarity on what I think you should do. This is also for you who seems stuck in a loop of bad or toxic relationships with significant other(s).
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is often characterized by repeated, mutually destructive modes of relating between a couple. These patterns can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness or rejection.
It is not your fault.
According to psychologist and author Dr Robert Fireston, one common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another.
This is apparent with a couple who have entered into a “Fantasy Bond,” a term to describe an illusion of connection created between two people that helps alleviate their individual fears by forging a false sense of connection.
As the couple relates as a “we” instead of a “you” and “me,” their relationship becomes more about form (based on appearances and roles) than substance (based on genuine feeling and authenticity).
Fiona and Sean have a fantasy bond. It is important to recognize a toxic relationship for what it is and get out of it.
Here are 10 achievable steps to help you stop fueling toxic relationships
The steps outlined below are for concerned partners who want to do things right and are willing to examine themselves critically. They assume a healthy degree of self-awareness and the desire and ability to make positive changes.
1. Be The Bigger Person
“Being the bigger person will always make you a better person in the long run.” — Unknown
Sometimes, you will have to be the bigger person.
After a fight, be the one who breaks the silence, extends the olive branch, and works to restore healthy communication.
You may have been right, but if being right is what relationships are about for you, you’re going to alienate your partner. Use your judgment. And step in with determination not to be right but to make things right between the two of you.
Humans might forget who won or lost a particular fight or argument but will recall exactly how you made them feel.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
2. Their Drama Is Not Your Drama
“Not my circus, not my monkeys.” — Polish Proverb
This quote boils down to mean, “Don’t drag me into your drama and your issues — I’m not getting involved.”
In a scenario that your partner is struggling with something. It is important to pause and ask yourself, ‘Who’s triumphing or suffering?’, ‘Who deserves the credit or the sympathy?’
Put the focus where it belongs — on your partner — and keep it there.
Sure, you have feelings. You share joy in your partner’s accomplishments and sorrow for their troubles. But don’t hang your emotional state on their emotional state or co-opt their experiences and feelings by making it all about you.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
3. Strive For Correction Over Criticism
“Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” — Shannon L. Alder
For many people, discipline, self-control, and healthy habits don’t come naturally — they’re learned. And whether someone learns these things depends a lot on how they were raised.
In your relationships, choose to be a guide, not a critic. Don’t call your partner lazy or stupid. Encourage your partner to maintain a strong work ethic and help build their skills.
Challenge and goal setting motivates people and makes them try harder. Personal insults break their spirit and make them want to give up.
Criticism weakens, while correction strengthens and opens the door for positive reinforcement.
Strive for correction over criticism.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
4. Learn To Control Your Impulses
“To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
We all get upset. We all yell. And at times, we all lose it when our partners push our specific buttons or do incredibly annoying or obnoxious things.
When this happens, we feel unheard, hurt, and disrespected, and tempted to strike back — with harsh words, hurtful behaviour, and sometimes even physical blows.
Learning how to contain your immediate reaction and formulate an appropriate response will create a calmer dynamic and stop you from saying and doing things you will later regret.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
5. Don’t Give Negative Labels To Your Partner
“Stop categorizing and labeling! This is your way to avoid the unknown but brings the risk to avoid the new!” — Rosanna Condoleo
Labelling your partner or claiming they might have a personality disorder, to explain and excuse behaviour that you should be addressing places a lead weight on your partner that they carry around like chains in your relationship.
The same goes for blaming undesirable behavior on bad genes — meaning your partner’s.
It’s one thing to be realistic about and treat an actual condition.
It’s entirely another to indoctrinate your partner with the inevitability of a limited, unhappy life due to inescapable deficiencies while refusing to address your own failings.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
6. Encourage Your Partner’s Self-Sufficiency
“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” — Michel de Montaigne
We love doing things for our partners to make their lives easier and to help them succeed, and it is our responsibility as a couple to support each other to become the best version of ourselves.
However, there is a difference between providing assistance and enabling helplessness, between setting the table and putting the food out and cutting it up for your partner like they are some invalid.
Don’t allow your need to feel needed to result in a relationship where your partner can’t become self-reliant and independent. In my culture, there is a belief that the husband is some form of god.
My mother’s generation would welcome their husbands back from work happily, take off their shoes and socks, give a foot massage, run them a warm bath, and then feed them their meal. The men were not even allowed in the kitchen and so most of them can’t prepare light a stove or even a basic meal to save their lives.
Not us the millennials.
Do not smother your partner because that can fuel toxicity. Allow for some level of self-sufficiency.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
7. Recognize Your Partner’s Vulnerability
“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.” — Stephen Russel
Your partner might not tell you when their feelings about you have changed when they lose their respect or stop loving you.
They may not even be consciously aware of their own breaking points, but they have them, as we all do, so handle with care if you want them to stay whole.
Encourage vulnerability, honesty, and open communication in your relationship.
However, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
8. Avoid Guilt Tripping Your Partner
“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart.” — Pema Chodron
Guilt and shame are the sledgehammer and chainsaw in the relationships toolbox — one hits your partner over the head, while the other cuts them to the core.
Don’t whine about your hurt feelings if your partner doesn’t want to hang out with you. This type of behavior is incendiary and utterly unhelpful. It saps your partner’s confidence and makes them dependent on others for approval.
Do not guilt trip your partner.
Remember, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
9. Self Love and Self Care
“Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it.” — Ray Bradbury
I’ve always believed that many of our worst relationships moments occur when we’re tired, stressed, sick, distracted or for whatever reasons, internally ragged.
Taking good care of yourself — maintaining good eating habits, exercising regularly, getting out, and making time to do things you enjoy makes you healthier both physically and psychologically and gives you more energy for your partner.
It is true that to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. Do not sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much there’s nothing else you can give, and nobody will care for you.
Practise self-love and self-care consistently.
Remember, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible.
Final Thoughts
In case you missed it in the body of the article, you can’t out-run toxicity, and I recommend that you leave that toxic relationship as soon as possible. Leave.
All the steps above are to help not throw fuel onto the fire. If you are already stuck in a toxic relationship, it helps not to minimize its toxicity while you figure out a way to exit.
In my humble opinion, the best solution to a toxic relationship is to leave it.
And Now Your Thoughts…
What are your thoughts? If Fiona was your friend, what would you advise her to do?
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Previously Published on medium
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