9 Excruciating Signs That You Should End Your Relationship

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” — Rebekah

I love romantic movies. I especially love them for their happy endings.

Recently, I watched Love Hard and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. My partner predicted the whole storyline and who would end up with whom but that did not even spoil the movie for me.

Natalie is an LA girl whose bad fortune in finding love has turned into a whole career for her. She writes for a magazine whose readers thrive on all the misadventures she has suffered on her quest for love.

She finally finds her perfect match, Tag, and he is perfect for her in every way.

He is handsome, shares her interests, is genuinely concerned about her wellbeing, and they speak on the phone for hours on end. Natalie decides she is ready for the relationship to go to the next level and flies 3,000 miles to surprise him for Christmas.

She finds out she has been catfished by a guy called Jimmy. He is friends with Tag and agrees to set them up. In due time, Natalie discovers that Tag is cool, but Jimmy is the perfect match for her. They get his family’s blessing, plan to get married, and live happily ever after.

The truth is most people want happy endings, and I am no exception.

Movies show us happy endings and so do most books. As a result, we have been wired to expect happy endings in our lives — our relationships, our studies, our goals and ambitions. We assume after Natalie found her perfect match in Jimmy, they lived a life of exciting romance and bliss until the end of time.

In reality, though, there is no ending per se because we do not see the epilogue of the movie. For us as a human race, the real ending is when we die. Ideally, happily ever after should be some time before that.

So if a relationship is not all black and white, how do you decide if you have chances of getting that “happily ever after” with your partner or that you should let that relationship go and continue on your quest for your true love?

In a nutshell, this is what I would say. Listen to your body. Your body is the first to know when the relationship is over. Your mind is the last to accept because it looks for solutions first. When you start to feel worried, depressed, or lackluster about the relationship, your body is sending you a signal. Do your best to pay attention because if you listen to your body when it whispers, you will not have to hear it scream.

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Laquinta and I have that kind of friendship that blossomed into a sisterhood. We are fiercely loyal and are always there for each other when we need a friend, a confidant, or a sounding board for our rants.

I have been talking to my dear friend consistently over the last two months and I am at the point where I want to tell her to let the relationship go in the gentlest way possible.

You see, Laquinta believes in happily ever after more than the average person.

She also believes it is her responsibility to ensure that her relationship is successful no matter the cost to everything else she has worked so hard to build in her life.

She is in a relationship with a guy like Tag. Tag checks all the boxes on paper but their connection did not start out on honesty. He was catfished, similar to the movie. Their hobbies and interests differed, and their conversations do not usually go any deeper than the weather or the recent trend on Twitter.

In the beginning of their relationship, there was the thrill of two attractive people meeting and falling in love, and I think they both wanted it to work despite their shoddy first encounters.

Fast forward to today and our recent conversations. Laquinta has a sinking feeling in her stomach all the time and does not trust her partner. She is constantly wondering if she is just being paranoid and clingy. His behaviour has changed from the charming catfished stranger she fell in love with, to someone she can barely recognize.

She cries all the time. For seemingly no reason. Her heart aches.

I think her partner is just no longer in love with her. And that maybe it is time to end the relationship because it causes her more pain than happiness.

“To all the couples: If you cry everyday in your relationship — sit down… take a deep breath and ask yourself: ‘Am I dating a human or an onion?’” — Unknown

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How can you tell when it is time to end the relationship?

I enjoy being in love, I enjoy writing about love, and the number of private messages I have received in the past few months about relationships has made me realize my articles resonate with many people around the world.

I also unfortunately know that terrible feeling of a heartbreak. I have been there. Writing articles like this takes me back to that nauseous feeling of having my stomach constantly in knots, and not knowing what to do with all my suspicions about my ex before we called it quits.

If this article resonates with you, I am sorry, and I hope that you will find value in some of my advice.

Here are 9 excruciating signs that may indicate that it might be time to call it quits on your relationship with your significant other.

1. Your partner no longer wants to share the intimate or private moments of their lives with you

“Most relationships die not from natural causes, but from selfishness, neglect, lies, lack of consideration, and secrets.” — Lizzie Natesky

One of the best parts of being in a relationship is having someone that you can tell your whole day about — the highs, the lows, the meh, and everything in between.

So, if your partner used to excitedly or boringly share about their day, and they used to be open to sharing their feelings and now are suddenly all closed up, it could be that they are sharing that part of their lives with someone else.

For my friend, Laquinta, her trouble started when she observed that her boyfriend was now more vested in sharing about his day with a friend from high school every single evening.

When she pointed it out, he became surly and said it was her fault that he was venting to someone else because she no longer has a welcoming aura.

I know this to be a form of gaslighting.

When your partner no longer wants you to share the intimate or private moments of their lives with you, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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2. Your partner consistently leaves you feeling emotionally cheated

“And you promise yourself you will never fall so hard again until you meet someone who makes the fall feel like flying.” — Nikita Gill

Cheating isn’t always a physical act.

You can actually cheat on your partner in an emotional sense too, which typically happens through small yet intimate actions and a lack of transparency about those actions with your partner.

According to Dr Tammy Nelson, PhD, a psychotherapist and nationally recognized expert in sex therapy, emotional cheating is characterized by micro-cheating behaviours that could lead to more intense sexual behaviours.

They might include confiding in someone other than your partner about your relationship or choosing to spend the majority of your free time hanging out or texting with a person who you aren’t actually dating.

She says that when you are emotionally cheating, it is all about the emotional connection with the other person. It is about crossing lines and sharing things that would make your partner uncomfortable including negatively talking about them.

If you feel that your partner is doing this, it might be an excruciating sign that the relationship has ran its course.

It is important and healthy for couples to have their own hobbies and friendships, but if your partner is adamant about separating their life from yours when they used to bring you to their group hangs, it can be a sign that they’re distancing themselves from the relationship in a suspicious way.

When your partner consistently leaves you feeling emotionally cheated, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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3. Your partner keeps comparing you to someone else all the time

“Comparison is a thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt

If your partner is interested in someone else, there is a possibility that they will end up weighing your pros and cons against theirs. This is a sign that they might no longer be in love with you.

It is deeply unfair to you as a partner when you’re the one in the relationship while the crush gets to be in the unattainable-fantasy stage. There’s something “shiny new object” about this person that your partner is attracted to.

For my friend Laquinta, she says her partner used to adore her but now she can’t seem to do anything right in his eyes. He is always comparing her to that friend from high school.

When your partner keeps comparing you to a specific person, this might be a sign of emotional cheating on his part and maybe he is no longer in love with you. This might be a red flag that highlights that you might have to end the relationship.

When your partner consistently compares you to someone else, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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4. Your partner is constantly on their phone when you are together, but ignores your phone communication when you are apart

“In pure innocent love, there is no longer present contradictions.” — Kristian Goldmund Aumann

I am not implying that whenever your partner gets lost on their phone when they are with you, then it is a sign that they no longer love you. I know that most of us are in a social media frenzy and have to catch up with emails and group chats during personal time.

However, there is a significant red flag if you constantly feel like you have to compete with your partner’s attention over his phone. It begs the question — what (or who) is holding his attention the whole time you are together? It is especially fishy if when you text them they take hours to respond, or whenever you call them you are always diverted to voicemail.

When someone still loves you, it will be a common courtesy for them to apologize for the interruption from their phone. Or explain what they are doing on their phone if it is a work thing. And again, if your partner used to hold your hand during coffee or dinner dates and now spends half the time on their phone, look out for that.

When your partner is consistently on their phone a lot when you are together, but barely respond to your messages or phone calls when you are apart, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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5. Your partner makes you feel like you are worthless

“You are a diamond, but some people prefer rhinestones, and that’s okay.” — Unknown

In a truly loving relationship, there is intentionality in having honest and clear channels of communication. When someone no longer loves you, they will do things to keep you feeling like you do not have value.

This can be anything from snide comments about your physical appearance to suddenly getting very annoyed at you whenever you try to strike up a new conversation with them. The key thing is that this should be new behaviour and not typical of your partner.

According to Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences of the University of Massachusetts Amherst, if your gut feeling is that this is atypical behaviour for your partner, and they’re not just mean freaks, then yes, they are definitely trying to devalue you and make you feel worthless.

When your partner consistently makes you feel like you are worthless, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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6. Your partner gaslights you

“They do not lie to you because the truth will hurt your feelings; rather, the truth might provoke you to make choices that do not serve their interests.” — Lizzie Natesky

According to Healthline, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

The term “gaslighting” comes from a play and subsequent movie called “Gaslight.” In the movie, the devious husband, played by Charles Boyer, manipulates and torments his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, to convince her she’s going mad.

Gaslighting, whether intentional or not, is a form of manipulation. Gaslighting can happen in many types of relationships, including those with bosses, friends, and parents. But one of the most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple.

In the case of Laquinta and her partner, he somehow always makes it seem like he resorts to questionable behaviour because of something that she did.

It has turned her into someone unsure of herself and her actions. To me, it is an obvious sign he no longer loves her and that she should pick up the shreds of self-esteem she has left and focus on loving herself again.

When your partner consistently gaslights you, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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7. Your partner does not love you.

“You have got to learn to leave the table when love is no longer being served.” — Nina Simone

I have expressed this throughout the body of the article. I think the most excruciating sign that you should leave the relationship is when you get the stark realization that your partner no longer loves you.

The signs are always there. It is something you will feel in your gut. From your racing mind to your aching heart and all the way down to your molten stomach.

When your partner no longer loves you, they usually seem uninterested in initiating any form of intimacy with you at all. When you do get intimate, they seem detached and distant.

People do not usually dramatically withdraw affection in a romantic relationship if everything is going well.

Laquinta noticed that there has been a core lack of intimacy in general — less kissing, hand-holding, hugging, or touching. This is a screaming red flag that I think should not be ignored.

When your partner no longer loves you, it is a oould be a sign that you might have to end your relationship.

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8. Your partner acts uneasy and uncomfortable around you

“Love is disgusting when you no longer possess yourself.” — Pola Negri

A relationship seems doomed for the rocks when one of the partners starts acting uncomfortable around their significant other. They seek out other people’s company and claim that they are more comfortable and flexible around them than they are around you.

They miss out on time with you to grab drinks with their new friend, but when you suggest weekend plans, they are suddenly not sure if they have the time or the money.

They are more cautious about carving out space for you, especially if it involves anything in the future.

According to Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, Professor Emerita of Psychological and Brain Sciences of the University of Massachusetts Amherst, this might mean that they are in the contemplating phase, and they are exploring alternatives.

“At the moment, for some reason, they’re afraid to break up with you. They’re afraid that they’re not sure or they’re not ready. Keeping you at arm’s length without making any big promises, lets them emotionally test the waters with someone new while having you as a backup option.”

This kind of relationship will ultimately break your self-esteem. It is better for you in the long run to let go and do what is best for you.

When your partner consistently acts uneasy and uncomfortable around you, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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9. Your partner picks unnecessary fights with you

“Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.” — Russell Wayne Baker

I know this one quite well because it was the highlight of the end of my last relationship. It was a huge red flag that I wish I had not ignored. Because I ignored the verbal abuse, it eventually became physical abuse and assault, and for so long I wished I had known better and left the relationship while I was still ahead.

When your partner is done with the relationship, they will pick unnecessary fights and might even accuse you of wanting to break up. You might realize that your fights become more and more ridiculous as time goes on, and many times, you have no idea how they start.

Your partner might be seeking an easy way out.

They will even go as far as asking if you are cheating or want out of the relationship. They want you to get so fed up that you’re the one who breaks up with them, sparing them the difficult, messy task of sitting you down and ending your partnership because they like someone else or want to be single.

Laquinta’s partner went from a gentle teddy bear that barely gets upset, to a crouching tiger always ready to pounce and attack

When your partner consistently picks unnecessary fights with you, it could be a sign that you might have to end your relationship at some point.

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Final Thoughts

“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” — Victor Frankl

If you see all the above signs in your relationship, what now?

Dr Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, advises that you be really careful if you decide to confront your partner about because even the idea of confronting is going to put the person on the defensive.

Her advice is to use “I” statements and to shift the focus to how you’re feeling as a partner and as a couple. Say you’re feeling distant from them or as though you’re not being listened to as much as you used to. Avoid bringing up any specific person or “suspect,” because you still could be wrong, and the discussion can veer off track.

And, if you are right, your partner may not want to own up to it.

For me, in the end, I realized the best thing to do was to let them go. It hurt like hell but I eventually found my way back to me, I learned to love myself a little more, and always be kinder to me.

“And while she never felt quite normal, she was nowhere near crazy; she just loved too much. Choosing to see the world through her heart, instead of through her eyes.” — Jessica Michelle

Ultimately, the ball is in your court.

The best thing you can do for your own mental health and peace of mind is, to be honest about how you feel. The only thing you know for sure is that your gut is telling you that something’s not right. Listen to it.

Ultimately, only you can make your own decisions and you have to live up to their consequences.

You decide whether to end the relationship or not. And I know sometimes there are so many factors that might be keeping you in that situation, but remember, your life is your own and you determine what kind of life you are going to live.

Again, I say. Listen to your body. Your body is the first to know when the relationship is over. Your mind is the last to accept because it looks for solutions first. When you start to feel worried, depressed, or lackluster about the relationship, your body is sending you a signal. Do your best to pay attention because if you listen to your body when it whispers, you will not have to hear it scream.

Also,

Wind, the destiny. But dammit, you are the sailor! — Tapan Ghosh

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And now your thoughts…

If you were Laquinta, would you end your relationship or would you try to make things work? What would you do to make your relationship work if the latter? Have you been in this situation before?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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