By Cindy Grogan
For years, I wrote a weekly syndicated radio show about 80s music. I loved that gig, mainly because I’d been hip-deep in the 80s scene. MTV, spandex, New Wave, questionable hairstyles – I was all in. So, when it comes to picking some of the worst songs of that decade, I have…thoughts.
There have been similar “worst” lists and in truth, some frequent choices like Wham’s “Careless Whisper,” leave me conflicted. For one: George Michael wrote it when he was just 19. Two: the dude could sing. So, I have to give him props for both and can’t bring myself to pile on with the rest.
However, when it comes to THESE songs, launch me right into that pile. They are truly awful. So in no particular order, here are nine songs we could’ve done without.
KOKOMO/The Beach Boys (1988)
Who doesn’t love The Beach Boys? But, outside of their famed harmonies and ode to a sunny clime, this song is NOT the Beach Boys. Even if it did reach Number One, if you’re stuck on this fictional isle, the only good vibrations will come from several free rounds of Mojitos.
HANGIN’ TOUGH/New Kids On The Block (1988)
I look at this song by New Kids On The Block in the same way I look at the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: a warning of the approaching flood of boy bands that were about to swamp us in the ‘90s. I blame you, Donnie Wahlberg.
SAY YOU SAY ME /Lionel Richie (1986)
The Commodores were great, even if Lionel Richie’s particular contributions like “Easy” weren’t quite my thing (give me “Brick House” any day). When he went solo, Richie’s penchant for the Soft n’ Cheesy took this track to Number One. It combines deeply earnest lyrics (“I had a dream/I had an awesome dream”) with a super-awkward dance break. Say you, say “no thanks.”
EYE OF THE TIGER/Survivor (1982)
Survivor caught a huge break when Sylvester Stallone contacted them to write a song for his movie, Rocky III (they thought his message on the answering machine was someone playing a prank). While the driving rhythm is a musical stand-in for Rocky’s jabs and crosses in the film, that opening “chukka chukka chukka” is a hard punch to the ears.
I’VE NEVER BEEN TO ME/Charlene (1982)
This is the musical equivalent of a really bad Hallmark Channel or Lifetime movie, where a woman living a life of luxury laments that she’s just been a big ol’ slut and needs to take up baking or working with handicapped kids to redeem her choices.
9 to 5 (MORNING TRAIN)/Sheena Easton (1981)
Later in the decade, Sheena Easton would show off her considerable pipes in funky fashion by pairing with Prince on “U Got the Look” and “Sugar Walls.” But it all began with this chirpy ode to being a Trad Wife who stays at home waiting for hubby to return and “take [her] to the movies, to a restaurant.” Girl, at least join a book club.
WE BUILT THIS CITY/Starship (1985)
It was a slow, weird fall from the acid-dipped Jefferson Airplane (and Grace Slick’s defiant vocals on songs like “Volunteers”) to Jefferson Starship and ultimately, the more radio-friendly Starship. What’s even weirder is that this song was co-written by Elton John’s longtime partner, Bernie Taupin. I’m sure I’m not alone in asking, “How did he go from ‘Levon’ to THIS?”
THE GIRL IS MINE/Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney (1982)
Considering how massive Thriller ultimately would be, that THIS was the first single released is just puzzling. In light of “Beat It,” “Billie Jean” and the title track, you wonder what Michael and Quincy Jones were thinking. Yes, it features Paul McCartney, but damn, is it ever lame.
THE LADY IN RED/Chris de Burgh (1986)
Before James Blunt cornered the market on Mawkish with 2004’s “You’re Beautiful,” this treacly mess was a go-to song for any occasion that included a slow dance. Even though it was his biggest hit, de Burgh admits it’s not the best song he ever wrote. On that, he’s right.
OK, I’ve had my say, so how about you? What 80s songs make you want to leave your body? Share in the comments.
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This post was previously published on CultureSonar.
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