9 Overlooked Relationship Expectations That’ll Make Relationships Less Disappointing

You don’t need me to remind you that great relationships are hard to come by.

And I’m pretty sure you’ve also tried to put in a considerable amount of hard, loving endeavors of commitment in almost all the relationships you’ve ever found yourself in — so you could build one for yourself.

But the thing is, we are sometimes to be blamed for all the pain, disappointments, and misfortunes of our love lives.

For example, if we aren’t mistakeful enough to be so obsessed and blinded by fancy gifts or extravagant vacations. Sexy or attractive qualities of our partners or prospective dates. And even by our intense romantic feelings for our partners or prospective dates, things will not be more difficult than they should be.

All these mistakes pave the way for disappointment, heartbreaks, and pain.

Hence, I’ve realized that a lot of us often prioritize those fancy things above even the bare minimum relationship expectations. I’m talking about expectations that’ll make our relationships not just worthwhile, but everything but messy and disappointing.

That’s why I’ve put together this list of the most overlooked relationship expectations. You should prioritize more if you want less disappointing and fulfilling relationships.

1. Hold even potential romantic partners to this moral standard.

And what moral standard am I talking about? The way they treat others.

Perhaps they’re currently showering you with respectful, thoughtful, and caring treatments. You even can’t stop appreciating how amazing, loving, and also upright they are.

And you probably can’t help but keep visualizing how fulfilling your relationship and lives will be in the long run.

But what if you’re wrong? Because a partner or prospective partner will tend to always be at the best of their behaviors towards you — which might just last until they win you over.

What’s the point of hoping someone will always treat you way better than he or she treats others, even when it’s obvious they’re treating you better because they’re still trying to impress you? What if they change after winning you over? And they’ll most likely do.

Because how they behave toward other people will determine how they’ll behave toward you when they’ve won you over.

And if they aren’t treating everyone around them with respect and kindness, then it’s not how they operate. And in no distant time, they’ll accord to you the same treatment as others.

2. Avoid pessimistic people.

Do you think a relationship with a glass-half-empty kind of person will last?

After all, love is involved and you both will commit to each other. The only ‘minor’ problem is that the other party sees the world in a more different, ‘realistic’, and downright negative light.

Well, such kind of partnership can work, but it has more chances to fail than it has to succeed.

No, I’m not saying that someone who’s more pessimistic than optimistic is unlovable or undatable.

But such kind of person will be more likely to slide into the dangerous habit of seeing you and the relationship in an extremely negative light when things are rough between you.

And according to John Gottman, someone that has a pervasive negative thoughts about their partner and relationship will most likely fight and argue in ways that’ll be threatening to the relationship.

So with such kind of partner, disappointment, heartbreaks, and pain might be certain.

3. Nothing beats an honest partner.

Every healthy and functional relationship is built on a foundation of honesty and trust. It’s not just a cliche.

Being with a partner that believes it’s okay to always tell white lies to maybe protect your feelings, avoid conflicts, or elude rocking the boat won’t be great either.

You need to be with a partner that can be honest with even the most trivial things. Because someone who often white lies or tells blatant lies isn’t just unloving and disrespectful. They’re also being selfish and manipulative.

Because even when they’re trying to protect your feelings, they’re either trying to hide the fact that they’ve let you down. Or they just want to play the good partner card at the expense of the truth. And even if they’re trying to avoid conflicts or troubles, they’re selfishly letting a potential threat to your relationship become a bigger threat — because they don’t want to deal with them.

4. Beware of people who aren’t thoughtful enough to be reliable.

Don’t subject yourself to the mental stress of dealing with and trusting someone who’ll always give you reasons not to trust them.

Why?

Because it isn’t worth the effort.

Honestly speaking:

There are a lot of reasons someone might be so unreliable to be flakey, inconsistent, and untrustworthy no matter how much you’re willing to trust them. This ranges from not being sensitive and aware of themselves enough. To even being less thoughtful and loving of their partners to avoid disappointing them.

Whatever the case, someone who’s just unreliable enough to align their words and actions, keep to their promises, and be consistent might not just be able to ever prioritize you.

There’s just no point in being in a relationship where you endlessly rationalize and make up excuses for your partner’s unthoughtful inconsistencies. You won’t be happy in one. That’s why it’s best to often expect better than such a partner.

5. You can’t afford the consequences of ignoring compatibility and complementarity.

For committed, long-term romantic relationships, there’s one commandment you should never break:

“Thou shalt not be in a relationship that isn’t meant to be.”

Now, that might sound a bit too biblical. But a lot of us break this commandment far too much to count.

We are often driven by attraction at high speed into a relationship without paying attention to things we have uncommon with prospective dates like ethics, interests, etc. Such that we have little to talk about with them.

Big no-no. If you want to avoid relationships, that’ll end up in tears, betrayal, and disappointment. Then, endeavor to seek relationships where you and your partner will be compatible enough to genuinely enjoy each other’s company, feel heard and understood, and be your most authentic selves around each other.

Why?

Because if you don’t, it’ll be difficult to avoid falling into a situation where you’ll be left with the option of pretending to be happy in a relationship that’s mediocre at best and suffocating at worst.

The same goes for complementarity. By this, I mean you and your partner should be able to work towards seeing that your similarities and differences complement each other.

Because you can’t agree on everything. And you might even grow to disagree about what you both agreed on initially. Hence, if you’re compatible enough with your partner and complement each other in your similarities, your relationship will most likely be a great one.

6. Be wary of overly judgmental people.

Choosing to have very little to do with people who are over-judgmental, especially in romantic relationships, can make your love life 10x easier. And even strengthen, lasting relationships more workable.

Yes, because just like an overly pessimistic person, a highly judgemental person will be much more likely to engage in unhealthy fight patterns that’ll make your relationship as unhealthy and fragile as anything you can think of.

Yeah, I’ve also heard that, hell, I know that we are all judgmental by default. After all, we all subconsciously or otherwise pass judgments on people and things we see every day based on our choices and individual experiences.

But I’m sure that only an overly judgmental person will be narrow-minded enough to often and openly judge others harshly while knowing nothing about them.

And the worst part?

Such kind of person will struggle to accept and see your whims, nuances, and idiosyncrasies for what they really are: Part of your identity. And that’s because they just can’t accept that you’ll differ from them. Why would you even see the need to stoop so low to date such kind of person?

You should know better than to settle for someone whose critical and judgmental mind will be filled with deep negative thoughts about you and the relationship during heated moments or arguments. They’ll always drive you nuts.

It’ll be really draining to be with someone who will always try to dictate how you should live your life, don’t you think?

7. Never settle for where you can’t be appreciated.

One question:

If you find yourself in a relationship where all you are is the most loving, and giving person in the world, but your partner doesn’t seem to recognize or appreciate your efforts. How unloved, unseen, and unhappy will you be?

If your partner doesn’t try to show they’re grateful for having you in their lives or if it doesn’t seem like you’re valued in a relationship, how sure are you that you aren’t taken for granted?

Do you think you’ll be able to keep loving, giving, and being the best partner one could ever wish for, and eventually enjoy a long-lasting relationship with them if they barely appreciate all that you do so far?

Of course, you might eventually channel the same energy where you’ll be appreciated once an opportunity presents itself. Or you’ll be swimming in a pool of your resentment for such a partner as long as you’ll be together.

That’s why you should instead prioritize choosing someone that’ll see, value, and appreciate you for even choosing them.

Come on, there are about 8 billion people on earth and you made a conscious decision to choose to be with only one. If that’s not worth being appreciated for, then I don’t know what is. Mind you, this goes both ways. You’re expected to appreciate your partner too.

8. An ideal partner should be often willing to communicate.

One of the most important prerequisites for happy and satisfying relationships is, as we all know, healthy and effective communication. Again, this isn’t just a cliche.

Because only in relationships with people who are just difficult to communicate with — because they suck at it, will you have to deal with someone that doesn’t understand your love language. Expects you to read their minds. Never listens to you. And hardly even empathize with you when necessary.

Hence, you should always hope to be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t always shower you with gifts when all you want is quality time together. Someone who wouldn’t shy away from speaking up about what’s upsetting them and expects you to figure it out yourself. In fact, they shouldn’t be anything less than good and considerate listeners.

And with such kind of partner, you’ll most likely experience less unnecessary drama, and conflicts, and you’ll even be able to resolve conflicts easily, but only if you also don’t suck at communicating.

9. They should also be able to own up to their mistakes.

We both know that hoping to have a fulfilling, happy, and lasting relationship with someone who hardly apologizes or takes responsibility, even for their actions or inactions that hurt you, is ridiculous.

Maybe such a person might do so because they are obsessed with perfection. Maybe they might be so afraid of apologizing because apologies frequently feel like an admission of inadequacy to them. Or maybe their lack of empathy and inability to put themselves in the place of others might be the reason they’re unable to often apologize.

But whatever the case might be, I just want you to know that you deserve better than someone who would never apologize when they intentionally or otherwise hurt you.

If only someone isn’t insecure enough to know that perfection isn’t the real deal. But that transparency and self-awareness to own up, apologize, and make amends whenever they’ve erred is the real thing, you’ll stand a higher chance of enjoying a better and long-lasting relationship with them.

I’m sure you aren’t expecting to have a perfect partner, either. So why should you settle for one who would never apologize whenever they’re in wrong?

Hold your romantic partners to higher standards.

No doubt, intense romantic feelings for a prospective date or partner. Fancy gifts, vacations, or outings. And Attractive and sexy qualities of a partner or prospective dates are all substantial parts of romantic relationships. At least, they’re good indications that you want the very best for yourself.

But the thing is…

The time and efforts we’ve put into trying to nurture and make our relationships even better might be a complete waste if we keep ignoring the importance of having even the bare minimum expectations from our romantic partners. Hence…

Hold your romantic partners to higher standards.

Expect more than the bare minimum habits and treatments from the person you’re likely going to commit the rest of your life to.

Because you’ll be treated consistently in the ways you allow to be treated. Sure, you can’t control others’ behaviors, but you can control how long they’ll be putting up certain behaviors toward you.

If someone doesn’t at least meet these standards, you deserve better than them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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