Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside your head. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions, emotions… You can’t change external factors — women, society, Tinder’s algorithm. But you can change your mindset, which will change your emotions, actions, and outcomes.
Connell Barrett, Dating Sucks, but You Don’t
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Some guys just seem to fall or stumble into relationships through dumb luck.
Like they randomly meet the ‘love of their life’ one night through a mutual friend.
They might have the emotional and social aspects nailed down, but they happened to be in the right place at the right time. However, for this person, they might assume it was all due to their charm or confidence.
For others, dating (and finding a partner) seem to be out of reach.
No matter what they do, they can’t seem to catch a lucky break.
People like to attribute their success to their own skill, effort, merit, or in some cases, divine intervention. But this is a cognitive bias called self-serving bias.
Yet, failure and tragedy are blamed on external factors (or other people).
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The question is then, is your dating life really a reflection of what’s going on in your head?
Many people fall somewhere in between the examples I provided. Some have it easier than others, and some don’t.
Example:
- Dating, love, and making friends are as easy as breathing
- For others, love may as well be as illusive as winning the lottery or moving a mountain
The answer is yes.
Your love life does reflect your inner world.
It just comes with a lot of ifs and buts.
The reason why?
Your inner world doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
Everything, including your beliefs and your mindsets, is shaped by and interacts with the external world, which includes contributing factors, habits, and the skills you’ve honed over the years.
If you strip away the external advantages of Example #1 (relationships come easy because of their environment), their success rate would likely fall.
Yet, for Example #2 (relationships/dating are a huge challenge), I’d bet if you equipped that person with the right social opportunities, mindset, and skills, their results would improve.
At the same time, dating (for a large part) is about what you’re doing.
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Confidence is important. So is having the right social skills.
If you suck at reading the room, or paying attention to subtle cues, you’re going to come off as a bit ‘odd.’
And insecurity makes you over-analyze, hesitate, and doubt yourself. Not good.
Having the time and money to invest is crucial too, but the main emphasis is on what you do.
Unless you’re hoping to blindly stumble into a relationship based on dumb luck, dating is a numbers game.
But it only becomes a numbers game when you take ownership of your dating life. Otherwise, you’re hoping and relying on external forces to do the work for you.
By that measure too, your failure will be blamed on things outside of your control, and not the person in charge of your dating life (you).
So how do you start taking an active role in your dating life?
I’ve identified 3 primary paradigms everyone in life can use to their advantage.
And this doesn’t just apply to dating. This principle affects friendships, other relationships, careers, and other areas like personal growth.
Some people devote more to one while lacking in others. Often, they’re imbalanced, and this is where our problems start to manifest.
- Having (Resources and circumstances): This is about what you have. Social circle, your job, looks — physical appearance, clothing, and money. Makes life and dating easier, but doesn’t guarantee success. Plenty of men have these things and they’re dating life still sucks.
- Being (Mindset and identity): Confidence, self-respect, emotional intelligence/regulation. Beliefs and social conditioning shape a lot of this. Unfortunately, many guys struggle here, and it completely jacks up their lives.
- Doing (Actions and inputs): Doing is all about the physical action of approaching, flirting, setting boundaries, or making moves. It’s about taking the lead. Taking ownership. Without this paradigm, the other two don’t matter as much.
DOING is where you’ll see tangible results, but must be supported and balanced out by the other two.
HAVING → DOING ← BEING
Plus, to make things more complicated, beliefs underpin everything.
And it doesn’t matter if the beliefs you have are good or bad, they still influence your behavior and your mindset.
How overcompensating manifests in dating
When there’s an imbalance between these three paradigms, this pushes people to overcompensate in strangely fascinating ways.
Example:
Low self-worth or flawed identity → Overcompensates with DOING
- He’ll probably force himself to cold approach or memorize sleazy pickup lines that don’t work. The problem is he’ll come off as desperate or awkward if he doesn’t believe in himself.
Terrible social life, bad habits, or limited opportunities → Overcompensates with DOING
- He’ll get addicted to dating apps or get really weird with how he approaches women.
Rarely takes action, is afraid to, or has no game → Overcompensates for HAVING
- This is one of those things guys think will help them with women. By just getting ripped or making a lot of money. Really what they’re doing is avoiding the actual work. It’s the same thing that happens in other parts of the self-help world. “Getting ready to get ready.”
Paradigm deficiency (how do you know what you lack?)
BEING (how it affects what you do):
Example: You’re convinced you’re a creep. A loser. You think you’re an awkward weirdo when it comes to the opposite sex.
What are the chances you’ll create a solid habit of approaching women (DOING)?
Unlikely.
Maybe things aren’t that bad, but your emotions are everywhere. Things easily piss you off or your anxiety is out of control.
Or you’re avoidant — afraid of either commitment, vulnerability, or intimacy.
Getting into short-term flings might be easy, (DOING) but you struggle with maintaining longer-term relationships.
HAVING (how it affects what you do):
On the other hand, you’re too broke. You’re always at work and you never have the time, energy, or money to go on dates or invest time into meeting women (DOING).
(Or at the very least, not often) — Not often enough for it to make a huge difference in your life.
There’s also the concept of the golden handcuffs.
Some people make 6+ figures but they’re slaves to their jobs or businesses.
You could have money, but no freedom to build relationships (DOING).
As you can start to see, the key here is auditing your own life, getting honest about what you’re deficient in, and adjusting your strategy.
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Time and money are important. Don’t mistake that. But it’s important to understand that it’s not ‘everything’ when it comes to finding the right partner.
I know this sounds all ‘back and forth’… at the same time… dating is expensive.
Even if you keep things simple and cheap like going out for coffee, that adds up. While coffee dates are simple and practical, they’re sorely lacking in some areas.
- A bit too routine or dull
- Can feel like an interview, with minimal sexual tension
- Depending on how or when you plan them, potential escalation is limited
But let’s say you pay for both your coffee (and hers) $10.
Multiply that by 3 or 4 times per week (supposing you date multiple women). $30 to $40 on its own.
That’s leaving out dinner or other activities important to getting to know someone.
The question is, can your budget (and your schedule) support dating women long-term?
Emotional intelligence is critical to keeping and retaining women in your life.
When I was engaged and living with my last partner I had ‘conquered’ the DOING and HAVING paradigms to a degree.
I put myself out there, took the lead, and did the best I could to build a life that supported our relationship. But I seriously fucked up the BEING paradigm.
Eventually, my lack of self-worth caught up to me and I sabotaged our relationship.
I never set boundaries.
I always suppressed my feelings, but when they did come out, they pushed her away.
That’s why emotional intelligence (BEING) is vital.
Because women pick up on more than you think they do.
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Your habits are your biggest weakness
If your dating life feels stagnant, you’re likely relying too much on what you have or who you think you need to be to have success with women.
Everything gets pushed off into ‘someday land.’
“Someday I’ll get out there and meet her.”
“Once I get my career figured out I’ll start dating.”
“I just need to get over my last relationship and then things will work out.”
Don’t overlook the importance of DOING. Even if you’re not serious about finding the right woman now, in this moment, what you do consistently matters.
What you do stacks up over time. And wherever you are right now is the result of those actions.
HAVING (money, status) and BEING (confidence, personality) matter.
They just don’t matter as much as you might think they do.
HAVING, DOING, and BEING are variables in the dating game. And they all have varying levels of importance in your outcomes with women.
In machine learning, there’s a concept called feature importance.
Some inputs or features have a greater influence on your model than others.
For the average American male, the inputs related to DOING are more likely to have greater weight and will be a greater predictor of success (going on dates, getting laid, building relationships).
These inputs include:
- Approaching/starting conversations
- Communicating effectively
- Escalating intimacy
- Leading by example
Caveat: You can “DO” all you want, but if you’re trying to date way out of your league — like Hollywood actresses, models, or wealthy women with vast networks, it’s probably not going to work out for you.
Not saying it’s impossible, but we have to be realistic because we want to stack the odds in our favor as best as we can.
But in this fictional ‘machine learning dating model’ HAVING/BEING (in this case) will now be a stronger factor in this case. In certain environments, the weight of the inputs shift.
Having loads of money, status, and an ‘elite’ social circle is simply more important in this example.
Other times… not as much.
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Struggling in certain areas
When you struggle to take action (DOING)
You hesitate to:
- Approach
- Flirt
- Escalate
- Or ask people out
Assuming the opportunities are there (you’re not just sitting around at home all the time), it’s highly likely you’re overthinking things.
That or you’re waiting for the ‘perfect’ timing.
What to do: Forget about trying to get a name and number right now.
Focus on the reps. You have to be realistic about where you’re at, if saying “hi” to someone attractive is already a stretch, then that’s where you need to start. So start small, embrace the discomfort, and let momentum do the work for you.
That’s what I started doing months ago and it’s worked for me, and now I feel more confident talking to women.
If your mindset is abysmal (BEING)
In this case, any action you’re taking feels forced or awkward.
What to do: I can’t really offer a one-size-fits-all answer, but I do know that the weird, awkward feeling when approaching or romantically interacting with the opposite sex is due to a mismatch in who you think you are compared with who you are portraying yourself as.
Some of it’s due to shame, sometimes fear of rejection (judgment about not being good enough), and ego.
Work on these things, like confidence, self-respect, and emotional resilience.
You’re not in the right environment (HAVING):
Here’s an example from my own life.
The city I live in right now is great… if you’re in college or you already have a family and a life established. When I lived with my ex, the environment was less of a concern. We had a life together and I was settled into a familiar routine.
But now? It’s not great if you’re a young, single person.
I’ve had mild success with taking action and talking to girls, but fundamentally, I’m limited to my surrounding environment.
The thing is, you can do all the right things and have a positive, happy mindset, but if you lack:
- Interesting hobbies or things to talk about/do
- Financial capabilities
- An active social life
- Or a large enough dating pool
Your dating success will be limited.
What to do: In my case, I’m trying to take the right steps so I can move somewhere that fits my lifestyle.
For you, it might be getting a higher-paying job so you have more opportunities. Or maybe you need to broaden your interests.
If your life is only about working, eating, sleeping, and playing video games, that might be an issue when it comes to dating.
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In the next few days, I’ll be releasing an article on my Substack page, where we dive into the deeper concept of DOING. In this article, you’ll learn how to use an improv method named “callbacks.”
Callbacks are a specific type of humor that blends seamlessly into normal conversation but can be used to create sexual tension.
Additionally, for immediate advice on how to take the lead and set boundaries in your relationships, I’d suggest reading my 9-page PDF on this topic, which you can download here.
For weekly content, follow me here on Medium.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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