It happened again. Actually it happened multiple times this week. From first messages from strangers on Hinge about wanting to lick p*ssy to a new date stalking the internet for photos about me (ignoring my credentials and sexually commenting on a dress I wore 4 years ago), things have gotten ridiculous in the world of dating during a pandemic.
This, in combination, with an obscene amount of unsolicited dick pics had me seriously contemplate whether the whole world needed some sex education that DID NOT come from PornHub. I don’t think there has ever been a time where I or my friends who love to date men have felt so disappointed with the lack of social skills, sensuality, and just general common sense (duh — you sent a dick pic next to a headshot…Do you want to destroy your career?!!!)
As a psychologist, I’ve also had more cases of younger Millennials and Gen Z reaching out to talk about increases in aggressive behavior, domestic violence and just generally unsavory behavior. But the theme of the questions from my clients has me concerned: They generally tend to be young women who want to learn to change their behavior to appease these men rather than work on becoming a better version of themselves so men have to raise their vibration. Despite our progress, young people still live in the fear of rejection and a whole lot of anxiety about “not being good enough.”
The #MeToo Backlash
And then it hit me as to what was really going on. Since 2016 and the start of the #MeToo movement, woman and those of us who identify with feminine energy have been going through a massive healing and return to a state of empowerment. We’ve been uncovering all of the shadows related to sexual assault, harassment, and simply unsavory behavior. Yet, we failed to prepare everyone for the pushback we would receive from this change (I talked about the backlash that would come in 2018). I think we are realizing how ugly this transition actually is!
We naively thought that the entire world population would welcome the shift to a more balanced view of what it means to be a sexual being in our society. While we may be on this path, we forgot to be mindful of how we communicated our new sense of power, our emotions, and our anger/rage for being sexually manipulated for far too long. While our emotions are certainly warranted, the consequences were not seen by everyone. A fully empowered person harnesses a tremendous amount of sexual/creative energy and during this time of transition, some men are testing whether we are serious about taking our power back.
We most certainly are but we clearly did not prepare well for this transition.
Healing Sexual Trauma
One of the ways I have healed from my history of trauma was through dance. I spent many private sessions with Tomas Corbalan in my Tango lessons working on the art of the dance as well as clearing out my energy from previous toxic connections. He was respectful, never crossed my boundaries and providing a healthy healing environment for my recovery. He is a professional dancer AND a healer capable of creating the safe place for me to learn to trust men again. When we finished our work just prior to the pandemic, Tomas warned me to be careful with my heart. It had finally opened. At the time I thought he simply meant be careful with my own personal life. Now, I believe he meant to be careful on a collective level. As women have healed from their trauma, men will follow in their footsteps — but not until they purge their toxic masculinity. In many ways it’s like a final epic test of how far we have come and how we will mindfully make choices about our health and safety in the future.
Welcome to the Transition Before the New Paradigm
And that is where we are today. Before we have a new paradigm of balance-the other side will act out their imbalance. It makes sense. We talk about it all the time in yoga. Sexual energy is housed in our sacral chakra right next to our emotions. We are all unbalanced during this pandemic and that means some of us have turned off our sexual energy while others of us are over activated. Yet without this knowledge, we risk giving up our progress through experiences with men who seek to take us down by attempting to make us uncomfortable and ashamed of our own sexuality. When a woman rises in her power, so does her sexual energy. When she is happy, so her emotions rise in vibration. Toxic masculinity seeks to control this phenomenon.
Today, along with many women I know, we simply say “no” to this old paradigm. Yet, I’ve been sitting wondering whether there is anything we can or should say to encourage others to walk their healing paths. Some of the men that have crossed boundaries, I do not know and will simply say, “no.” But for the men that I do have a connection to, I’ve wondered if a different strategy than getting pissed off or wondering WTF they are doing would be better. And when I take it down a notch from my annoyance and allow my clinical training to kick in, the answer is usually the opposite of what we want to do. Dr. Jennie, the psychologist, realizes she too has made mistakes in her personal life by forgetting the one thing that we all crave:
Connection. The majority of men who send dick pics often have zero clue what they are doing and operate from a place of such high levels of insecurity that they expect to be yelled at and equate this with love. This type of thinking stems from relational trauma and is more common than most of us believe. Toxic insecurity is running all our lives simply because we haven’t moved our sexual education past watching porn.
As I have decided to stay in Vancouver, Canada to ride out the rest of the pandemic for what will look like a year in the United States, I have taken a job as a psychologist and Director of Clinical Support with a parenting expert. My personal experiences and what I have been seeing with clients has me interested in returning to the days when we are 15 and learning how to handle our own sexual urges and to be in intimate relationships. Dr. Vanessa Lapointe wrote a national bestseller called Discipline Without Damage. Not only is it one of the best parenting books on the market (and I’ve read a lot of them)— the entire book is about learning how to CONNECT when your child is have a complete meltdown. It is the conscious approach to parenting most people have been craving.
And honestly — dealing with an unsolicited dick pic really is like dealing with an acting out 15 year old…
“Connection allows for discipline without damage, and responsibility for connection is the big person’s to own.” — Dr. Vanessa Lapointe
As women, we hate being put into the position to be the “big person” when it comes to emotional development and self-regulation in our personal lives. Yet, we have a culture that has raised our men in a form of masculinity that is not sustainable for the future. If women, who have done the healing work, cannot model what true connection is for the men that are hurting — we will perpetuate the same damage to them as what was done to us for thousands of years. Anger is not therapeutic — it can be just as abusive if not conveyed in a healthy manner. I have never personally or professionally spoken to a man who did not know what they were doing was wrong. Rather, they do so to get any reaction because they are feeling completely disconnected and have been simply trained by too much anger. We know what happened when we lost our power and know what it is like to be around emotionally balanced men. We need to seek consciousness and balance in our communication with others.
So in this time of worldwide healing of toxic masculinity — what can we do each day to move the energy in the right direction (and get through this time of transition)?
- Say “no.” No is a complete sentence that can be verbalized or sent in a text message. Sometimes this is all we feel comfortable doing and it is a legitimate response especially when we feel scared. Going off on an angry rant, however, is not conscious and probably will re-enforce the behavior.
- Step back and think about your own personal boundaries. Sometimes the “no” is enough and sometimes, especially if you have a connection with someone, the “no” needs to go further. Sometimes it requires thinking about the emotions involved and asking yourself if this person simply really bad with social skills and has zero sexual education or do they know what they are doing. If this is the former, asking the question, “Do you think this is a good way to connect with me,” may give you more data to ascertain whether this connection needs to be officially exorcized from your life. Making decisions from this standpoint does not feed into their desire for an emotional outburst.
- Sometimes the inappropriate messages are a cry for help. A simple, “Not for me but you can call my therapist, yoga instructor, meditation teacher…” Is a message and a gift of help for someone who clearly needs to learn new skills. You will know pretty quickly if they are narcissistic or are self-involved if they send an angry response back. If that happens, ignore and block the communication.
- And if he is just being an a**hole — well, simply saying, “This way of connecting is disappointing. I’m waiting for the man who can give me the gift of passion and sensuality not seen on Pornhub,” is the ultimate teaching tool that’s likely to spark an interest in his own personal development journey. You may then get some uneducated texts about being a new found tantra yogi convert (I have a number of stories about that for another day) but just remember that you are likely better with emotional intelligence. Keeping some distance while acknowledging you are on a different path, is empowering in itself.
- Celebrate. When you reach the stage in your healing when dick pics and other ridiculousness no longer triggers you — you’re ready to meet a truly emotionally available partner who developmentally is at the right place for truly intimate connection.
We are living in a major time of transition and if we truly want to heal the world, we each need to take responsibility for our own healing journey and then pass our lessons on through healthy boundary setting and authentically speaking up for what we want. Men have always changed their behavior when their dream partners start shutting down access to their emotional and sexual intimacy — they need the connection more than they would even admit. Unfortunately, I’m not sure we have instituted enough support to encourage them to learn a new way of relating. It has been our fear of staying single that has caused us to accept bad behavior but the relationship science and what we know about raising healthy kids (Thanks Dr. Vanessa) suggests that accepting bad behavior without standing for what we all want (real connection) won’t get us anywhere.
Those of us who have healed have the power to make a difference in our world. Power must be used in ways that promote connection rather than damage other people. We can say no to dick pics and still remain hopeful that passion and true love can co-exist.
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Previously Published on Medium
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