A Friend Predicted Their Divorce

“Mommy, is Dad working late again?” Her little boy looked sad.

“Yes. I’m sorry,” the young mother said, kissing him good night.

This happened every day. Her husband was a workaholic and was barely ever home. He worked 12 hour days, 6 days a week. It wasn’t an hourly job — his long days were voluntary for his brother’s business. And his job was far away, so he took their only car.

She couldn’t afford a babysitter, so she was stuck at home 24–7. She tried working remotely, but it was impossible with two small children and a baby to care for with no help. She felt like she was the only one present in her marriage.

Her best friend was over drinking a cup of tea with her on a Saturday. The Mom was often lonely when her husband was at work, so she appreciated the company. Her friend patiently listened to her complain about her husband’s absence for the thousandth time.

“You two are going to get divorced,” her friend said.

She was in shock. She never wanted to get divorced. When she married it was supposed to be for life. She made a promise to herself they’d be married forever.

Yet a few years later they separated. The marriage she wanted to last forever ended. Her friend’s prediction had come true.

How did her friend know this was going to happen? The signs were everywhere, but she’d been in denial.

He didn’t come home until late at night

Her husband was a workaholic. Yet they never had money and were often without necessities. He liked his job, yet worked for low pay. And after all his coworkers went home at night, he stayed working at his desk instead of going home to his family.

Night after night, she ate alone with the children. Then she’d clean up and get them ready for bed. She bathed them, sang songs, and read stories alone. By the time she finished, she’d collapse with exhaustion.

He came home hours after they went to sleep. She grew tired of waiting for him. She’d leave a plate for him in the microwave.

At first, she missed him terribly. She told him about it, but he brushed her feelings aside. She cried a lot. Yet, as time went on, she grew more and more resentful. She hated seeing their three children so disappointed that they never saw their father. Her sorrow gradually turned into anger.

He treated her with disrespect

Whenever she brought up a problem he’d grow angry with her. He was too tired from working and didn’t want to hear about the family’s problems. He didn’t want to hear how unhappy she was.

He was unhappy with the way she kept house, and with the weight that she’d gained since childbirth. He often was verbally abusive.

He wanted to come home to a clean house, hot dinner, and a thin wife who didn’t give him any problems.

She wanted a husband who was present, who helped with the children and chores, and who would love her unconditionally.

She asked him to come home early to help with the children so she could get a job to help out with the finances, but he refused to compromise.

He grew to think of her as a nag. She grew more and more depressed and eventually stopped asking him for what she wanted. She grew silent and resentful. He never realized that when a spouse stops caring, they stop communicating.

He never took her out

Her days were spent cooking and taking care of the children. Once in a while, they’d have takeout, but what she really wanted was to be taken out to dinner. That rarely happened.

There was no romance in their marriage anymore. The only time he brought her flowers was after a fight, and they were ones he’d grab from the florist aisle at the grocery store.

The lack of romance and neglect killed the attraction between them. They spent little time together anymore.

She was sad and always complaining.

She never said nice things about him anymore. She now looked down upon him. He didn’t earn enough money, didn’t seem to care, and wasn’t the man she’d hoped he’d be.

She’d spend hours complaining to her friends about all of his flaws. Her friends had seen how disrespectful he was towards her and had always disliked him. Now she was disrespecting him too.

After a few years, she began longing for a different life and different love. She was no longer happy to see him. He didn’t feel like her friend anymore.

They had different views on everything

For a marriage to work, it helps to have a similar vision for your life together.

Parenting together was important to her. He still believed in a traditional marriage where the wife did everything at home and the man worked outside it.

Financial security was important to her. He was content just to have a roof over their heads. She wanted a home of their own. He was happy to rent.

She loved to go out to dinner. He expected her to cook all the time. She wanted family vacations. He never took time for fun.

A friend predicted their divorce. Yet anyone reading this piece could have predicted it too.

It takes two to make it work

Marriage takes work. It takes two people that care about their love as much as they care for themselves. They must prioritize the marriage, or someday it won’t exist anymore.

When you disrespect your partner and neglect them, it eats away at the foundation of your marriage. Not coming home at night, and comparing your partner to others can ruin it. Research shows that destructive behaviors- such as criticism, contempt, and insults result in the decline of marital happiness in partners.

And when two people are so incompatible that they don’t want any of the same things, there will nothing left to keep you together.

If you are dating someone who disrespects you, neglects you, and doesn’t share the same vision for your future together, take that as a red flag, and work on those problems before you get married.

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Previously Published on medium

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Photo credit: by kevin laminto on Unsplash