Why do two people grow to resent each other? How can the love between two people mutate into hatred? And why do we never see it coming?
Eckhart Tolle wrote, “As the egoic mode of consciousness and all the social, political and economic structures that it created enter the final stage of collapse, the relationships between men and women reflect the deep state of crisis in which humanity now finds itself.”
I’m assuming that Tolle didn’t include the relationships between same sexes because this is not a purely romantic issue, although romance certainly suffers in terms of our egos. But how one of the sexes/genders views the other highlights various social, political and economic fears and lies, despite our need for one another.
If a simple dyad between a man and a woman cannot be healthy, I shudder to think how the world could ever consider itself to be healthy. When supposedly pious men shame women for their bodies to the extent of genital mutilation to women degrading men for not fitting some stereotype they were inculcated into believing is a “real man,” it is going to be difficult for these two to exist in the world of business, education or civil service, let alone a romantic relationship, family or friendship.
Eckhart Tolle isn’t the guru I wanted to talk about but he does lay the psychological foundation for the battle of the sexes specifically and why relationships are doomed to fail generally.
Despite our attraction to one another, we are also skeptical of each other. There is a worry of getting your heart broken, your time wasted or being used. If two people get married but eventually get divorced, how is the property going to be divided? Was a pre-nup signed? How will the children be affected? These are the worries people have when it comes to tethering their life to another.
There are several ways that a relationship can be ruined but the easiest is explained by Sadhguru.
“Love means you are willing to nurture another life without forming opinions. That’s what love means. An opinion is a way of fixing a person into a straitjacket. Love means nurturing another person into a new possibility. These two things cannot go together.”
Sadhguru’s suggestion for us is to observe those we love and to help them step into who they decide to be. It’s about encouraging growth rather than trying to define who and what they ought to be.
Of course, this might mean that you realize that you both are incompatible in that you cannot endorse how they live without compromising how you live your own life. But it is better to admit incompatibility and move on than to stay in an ill-fated romance.
If a bird and a fish fall in love, the bird cannot go to the fish without drowning and the fish cannot go to the bird without suffocating. Sometimes love simply isn’t enough to sustain the relationship in the way the two people want it.
Sadhguru went on to explain that when we form opinions about others, we also form expectations on how these other people should behave. So whether they behave well or not, if it falls outside of what we expect, we will be annoyed with them. And obviously love isn’t exactly thriving when we’re annoyed.
Insofar as one is not infringing on the rights of another, one should be free to be, do and say what they want. This is liberty for all people. But if we curse the weather for changing and ruining our plans, what hope do we have for other people?
It will take a change in perspective and behavior to pull this off and it will certainly take practice. But if you can see the merit in allowing people (or life itself) to be instead of trying to control them into what we want them to be or into what we consider to be right, we see that the better course is to change our perspective and actions.
Because when we have an opinion of someone, it is often a critique of how good or how bad that person is. A person’s actions are used to form an opinion of the person in general.
Sadhguru stated, “The moment we think we are good, we are entitled to destroy the bad.”
Is it any wonder why when people do the things they do, we must either correct them, punish them or admonish them? Is it not enough to simply let people be who they are? Again, I’m not talking about people who abuse others. Anyone who does that has to be reprimanded because they are the extreme examples of those who think they are good and are trying to destroy the bad!
Human history is rife with examples of people who simply could not allow others to live as they pleased. It has led to wars. It has led to rampant abuse as one hurt person goes and hurts another person who goes on to hurt yet another person. As a result, the amount of hurt people grows exponentially.
We must stop this at the source. We are the source.
If we claim to want peace on earth that begins with encouraging peace within ourselves and then our relationships with those who are closest to us.
Sadhguru went on to say, “The basis of goodness and what you think is goodness is decided by you.” But he also gave a suggestion on how to improve right now. He said that in saying yes to life, you become a willing participant in life.
In doing so you cease to resist life and as I’ve said before there is nothing more foolish or counterproductive than to resist life and to resist what is because you are arguing with reality. And as you are probably aware, hating or condemning reality is not going to change reality.
But at least embracing it will make you feel better.
So I challenge you to cease with the opinions of others on whether they are good or bad because that may cause you to either miss the bad or to try to change them into your idea of good. They are a part of life just like you, me and everyone else.
Instead, encourage them to be who they want to be. You may have to walk away if their path is different from your own but at least you get another chance to be with the right person instead of shoehorning someone or yourself into something that doesn’t quite work.
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Previously Published on medium
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