I was newly separated and had recently quit my job to go to College (for the first time), when I lined up with friends on a warm and rainy summer day, to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. As soon as our tickets were scanned, we booked it through the muddied grass, almost wiping out (worth it), and landed a spot front row, against the barricade.
It was a day and evening filled with palpable merriment… except, for this nagging intrusive dialogue playing through my mind pretty much the entire time:
You should jump over the barricade, rush the stage, and grab Anthony Kiedis
No, that’s insane
C’mon, people do that sometimes
Ya, but to them it’s just fun and spontaneous. The fact that I find the idea distressing means I should not do it
You could probably hoist yourself up, jump over the barricade and get up the stairs before security knew what was happening. And, if you got caught right away, you could pretend you were just trying to get away from something behind you
Even if that worked and I got on stage, he’d think I was crazy. Imagine the horror from his perspective of how crazy I’d look, and these days he’d probably assume I had a knife or something
No, you’ve read his biography, he’s done some wild things — anyhow, who is he to judge you?
I’d get grabbed by security, hauled out, and separated from my group — not to mention how embarrassing it would be to be that crazy woman who tried to get on stage
But, a crazy woman who was bold enough to shoot her shot and change her life!
And so went the inner battle, till the concert finally ended, putting me out of my misery. Changing my life would have to wait I guess.
When I was a kid the RHCP made me uncomfortable, they looked and behaved so strange—the metallic body paint, the eccentric dance moves, the crotch shots. Give It Away? I was not ready. But while reading Anthony Kiedis’ book a few years earlier, I started to find him interesting and attractive, began listening to their music regularly, and would occasionally (frequently) day dream about AK. I didn’t know it then, but in the last two years I’ve learned that I was experiencing something called limerence — “a kind of obsession, focused on a romantic interest.”
Once I knew what it was, I could see that, while it had been mostly dormant while I was married — except if you count the time I got really into the Twilight series (still a favorite), this was most certainly not my first brush with infatuation. It was there when I was young. The little rush of satisfaction I’d feel when I’d say hi to Billy and he’d look over and nod his head slightly. Or how I’d imagine, instead of Peter Pan peering through my window at night (it happens), it would be Brandon from soccer, admiring my gentle beauty, and thick flowing locks framing my peacefully sleeping face.
I’m surprised I’d never heard of limerence, or realized how bad I’ve had it — especially considering that maybe five years ago (a few years after the concert), I started a deep dive online into relationship content, and came across the idea of attachment style. I tested as Fearful Avoidant (aka Disorganized attachment) — a style that both craves and fears intimacy. There are three types of insecure attachment styles: Anxious Preoccupied, Fearful Avoidant, and Dismissive avoidant. The same childhood wounds that create attachment impact limerence, though I’d argue it’s much more common in AP and FA — the styles that carry overt anxious attachment.
In my teens, unlike my friends, I often had a crush but rarely a boyfriend (though I do write about my first relationship here — spoiler, a bit of a mess). I was excited about the idea of being in a relationship, but anxious over the reality of it. I still think dating as a teen is a strange thing. It’s like, hey, we barely know each other, let’s full on be in a relationship! For a while, I joined a few of my close friends in being obsessed with the Backstreet Boys. I had posters covering every inch of wall space in my bedroom and went to many concerts. Even though I’m not obsessed with them now (geez, why would you think that?), if I could meet them, my fifteen year old self would for sure freak out! I think that’s why it’s in our best interest that having a crush be a juvenile behavior, eventually grown out of. With adults it has the potential to be much more reckless. When your young and Billy dates your best friend instead of you, or you don’t have the opportunity to meet the BSB, you just feel miserable for a while, maybe cry a bit, and get over it — accepting that you have no control over your life. But if you’re an adult — it’s like, I’ll just kill her, and make a fake press ID to meet them. I’m an adult. I’ve accomplished things. I think I can figure this out.
When I was still unaware of my attachment style and flare for limerence, I’d initially gone into dating, post marriage, with optimism, envisioning long walks, talks, and holding hands; getting to know each other as friends, and that intoxicating first kiss (ya, I’m pretty virtuous). Turns out, loneliness amplifies attachment wounds, and soon my thoughts drifted to:
Maybe I don’t want real love and hand holding… maybe I also just want to hook up with someone.
Ya, that way it won’t distract from other parts of my life
What was I thinking wanting to be in a relationship, that’s clearly impractical for me right now, having kids and all
In fact, maybe my religious upbringing has brainwashed me into thinking I need to have a relationship, when really I’d be perfectly happy just sleeping with this cute guy I barely know who made me super uncomfortable when he came on to me totally unprovoked…
I was a little lost and struggling internally — though I’m grateful for the way this time in my life helped me clarify my values. No matter what our issue is, the universe keeps giving us chances to learn — fortify. We often don’t see the big picture right away, but with each experience, destructive behaviours inevitably become more and more painful to repeat.
My most recent relationship (which ended a few years ago now) got me to that bigger picture. We met through work, he was several years younger than me — and my object of limerence. Even though we were friends first, I often felt anxious around him, like I didn’t belong (which triggered a wound of needing for him to accept me). When we finally started dating, it wasn’t long before my anxiety reared up to tell me what I knew deep down — that it wasn’t the right relationship for either of us. The whole situation was incredibly painful. It broke my heart that I couldn’t make it work, but there would be times I’d look in the mirror and not recognize myself. Toward the end I had a dream where I encountered all these potential boyfriends, but I didn’t want to choose any of them, instead I kept choosing to be single — I felt happy, and when I woke up I knew it was true. The dream didn’t mean that I’d always want to be single, but it did confirm what I knew, and blessed me with knowledge to fall back on for the inevitable I’m miserable did I do the right thing? thoughts.
What I’d wanted: from Billy, Anthony Kiedis, The Backstreet Boys, and anyone else I’ve been infatuated with, was for this internal pain and trauma to be healed — externally. That’s what I desperately wanted to be changed.
…
The knowledge I’ve gained, and pain I’ve experienced, has helped me to be much more cautious these last few years — prioritizing green lights over red flags, when I do consider someone. Can you ever be fully prepared for limerence though?
I had a bit of a close call last year. My brain was doing it’s occasional “mental rolodex” of every guy I’ve ever known to see if I missed anyone to potentially date (worked for Ben & JLo). Surprisingly it stopped on a guy from way in my past, someone I hadn’t thought of in years, and had never consciously considered dating. I remembered thinking he was funny, mature, and cute. I had the thought, maybe we were supposed to be together back then? (already a bad sign for me). I started day dreaming about him, and looked him up on social media — as one does. He was now different then I remembered, or maybe he’d changed (because without my love he wasn’t able to grow into the man he was meant to be). There were red flags and I could tell we weren’t compatible. So what did I do? Start liking his posts of course — and posting a few more of my own in hopes he would like them back. He did not — guess I wasn’t the only one seeing red. But I’ve wondered, how far would I have let things go… would I have started talking to him if he’d commented or DM’d me? Would I have agreed to a date? I know I would have been more cautious than I used to be, but this still got me concerned.
Besides attachment trauma and loneliness, I’ve only just realized that my temperament plays a significant role in limerence. For example, as someone a little more introverted and open to experience (big 5 traits) I’m comforted by retreating to my thoughts and can easily conjure up vivid fantasies. Have you ever been getting ready to go out, and instantly started picturing running into your crush? Or listening to music, and suddenly you’re dancing with him — laughing and flirting? For me, these mini day dreams are almost as automatic as breathing; they bring an addictively pleasant feeling. I’ve realized that if I actively want to avoid the part I play in limerence, I’ll have to catch myself when I start thinking romantically about my favorite Youtuber, actor, or guy down the hall.
Several months ago I started taking care of my mental and physical health by moving my body each day, and more recently, writing daily (which is major for me). It stands out that there have been a few times in the last year where I’ve considered a relationship but felt myself pull back, and the message I received was that I needed more time — that if I was in a relationship it would prevent me from becoming the person I need to be. Relationships are wonderful and can help us grow (and have helped me grow) in many ways, but this really felt like something only I could do for myself. So given these recent changes, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that, for the first time ever, I’m challenging this crutch — this illusion of connection that once provided solace, and instead asking myself, how do secure people think about and behave in relationships? Just the shift in mindset has me amused — I still don’t feel ready, but I feel closer, and I’m curious to see what I’ll find out. 💗
…
While it can be cathartic to write about in retrospect, the pain of being eluded by love is a pain felt to the core. A song I enjoy that exemplifies the destabilizing intensity and trauma that goes into this thing we call love. (explicit lyrics)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Alex Bracken on Unsplash
