Ladies, pay attention to this guy’s spot-on advice on how to communicate with men. You might even laugh out loud.
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Last week, I posted an article about single women’s biggest communication challenges with men. One reader’s comments was so spectacular, I wanted to share it as an article. The author, ‘DJ Roukan’, was kind enough to give me permission to post with my edits.
Following are women’s eight biggest communication challenges, along with DJ’s thoughtful advice about how women can communicate with men more effectively. It’s a little long, but well worth the read. (Thank you, DJ!).
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How to Understand and Communicate With Men
#1. After men email me on an online dating site, I don’t know what they want me to write. I feel they make knee-jerk judgments after I’ve written back.
This is a first contact. You have no idea what type of man he is or what he’s after. Is that not the first hurdle, to learn a bit about him? That first email is not about selling yourself, but investigation as to what he has to offer.
I hate to make this analogy, but it’s like advertising. You want to get the customer in the door, and then you make the sale. On the flip side, you too are the customer. You have a right to ask about the product, to know what you are buying into.
He wants to go deeper? He can do that by sitting across the table from you.
You are not a mannequin in a storefront; you are the prime product in the store. First contact emails should be about getting to step two, not dating by proxy.
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You are not a mannequin in a storefront; you are the prime product in the store. First contact emails should be about getting to step two, not dating by proxy.
If he does not move forward, move on. There are all manner of men out there; you are seeking that one that you click with, not the one that is good at clicking the send button.
#2. I think I share too much. I’m too transparent. I want to know how much to reveal and when. It’s my experience that men like mystery or aloofness.
Please don’t bleed all over the page. It’s hard to read when you do. Think of it like a cup of coffee that your long-term boyfriend asks to taste. Do you hurl it in his face and hope that he catches some in his mouth, or do you offer him a small sip?
Sips, just sips. And don’t forget that you are there to evaluate him as a potential life partner, not just win him. It’s a mistake that guys often make. They do a great job of winning her, but have no clue as to how to keep, her because they created this whole impossible facade.
There is no rush. Too many women want to go from date one to planning the wedding. Don’t be that girl. Relax. Let it happen. Enjoy the ride.
#3. I wonder if men say what they really mean. I don’t believe what they are telling me. I think they’re telling me what they think I want to hear.
Yes, many times they are saying what you want to hear. Put yourself in his shoes. In fact, you are in his shoes. You are trying to put your best foot forward, right? Last thing you want to do is to piss him off with some random disagreement. Right? Guys fear this like nothing else, and they’ve been taught to impress. Why do you think we do all that door opening, gentlemanly stuff?
There is also the player, the guy that has studied ways to manipulate. You need to be aware of that, too.
The advice that I lend to guys is to watch how she acts and interacts not with you, but with everyone else. How does she treat the wait-staff, especially when something goes wrong? Is she cordial, understanding? Does it become a major crisis? Is she rude or curt? I say that because that is how she will treat you once the honeymoon is over.
If you walk out of a restaurant and the guys says, “excuse me” and walks over to help an old woman out of a car, or an old man trying to manage a door, and treats them with great respect, does it matter how many missteps he made in trying to “win” you? Have you not just realized that you found a winner?
There was a scene in the goofy movie, She’s Out of My League, where the couple is sitting in an outdoor restaurant and the guy interrupts her, gets up, grabs a sweater that another couple left behind, runs over and gives it to them. You could see her melt as if ice cream on a warm day.
#4. When talking online men send a picture of their penis as the first initial contact – wtf?!
I’m not sure why these fools are not prosecuted as much as we would prosecute the raincoat guy on a street in NY, flashing old ladies.
It’s shocking and it sucks. I can’t explain this except to empathize and speak for the rest of us guys that would like to hang these fools off a third story balcony until they have a revelation. We are not them, and they harm us just as much, perhaps more so.
#5. I would like to get confirmation that men have actually heard and understood me. And I want them to pick up the phone and call instead of text.
Guys tell me, “So I texted her and asked her to like hang out at my place, maybe catch a movie or…something.”
Wrong, wrong, and wrong, dude. You do not text, and you DATE, not hang out.
Call the woman up, and ask her out on a real DATE. In fact, TELL her that you want to take her out, don’t ASK her. Define it as a romantic gesture, not like an invitation to down some brewskies and watch the WWF. She is a DATE. Date her, and dating involves personal interaction between people, not their smart phones.
It’s ok to let Mr. Text-Man to go…especially if that texting demonstrates a lack of participation or care. You are not chattel to be texted just enough to keep you hanging on.
If I were a woman, I’d either call THEM up after receiving a text, or ask them to call me so we can plan a date and cut through that clump of peanut butter and get to the relationship part.
#6. In the emailing phase on the dating site, they are not reading what I have told them in a previous message. It’s frustrating, because I consider myself to be a very good communicator.
Drop them in your wake and sail on. I remember reading a few old martial arts and warrior books that attuned the “warrior spirit” to everyday life. One quote that tended to repeat itself was, “Do little that is a waste of time”.
You did not just birth a full-grown man who is starting at square one. You’ve met a guy that is supposed to already be there. If he is not, you are wasting your time…well, unless you have this whole maternal instinct thing going on and want yourself a Baby Huey.
Most women don’t, so don’t be afraid to move on, as it will only get worse and worse.
Again, you have a right to expect a certain degree of reciprocation, a modicum of maturity, communication, and empathy. So, expect it. Don’t you want that guy who will be your best friend, the guy who will take that proverbial long walk and have that conversation, the one who holds your interest? That’s the guy to look for.
#7. I have trouble letting down my guard to reveal my authentic self. I find it difficult to communicate with men about safe sex. I struggle with asking for what I need and want clearly without sounding demanding and needy.
I’ll be perfectly frank here. Condoms suck. I hate them. After spending some time with my wife, I’d have strapped a Sherman tank to that guy for the chance to ravish her. That was not lust but enthrallment.
I’m not good with feelings or the mush part, but I know that I felt something deeper than sex.
If you are not intimate enough to talk about sex, you are not intimate enough to have sex. Relax, let it flow until that time comes.
Be empathetic about it, but hold your ground. There is a way to get there, and it is the most important lesson a woman can learn:
Never, never, never freaking ever have sex with a guy until you are sure he is there for you and not the sum of your parts. Never, not ever, use sex as a means to keep him.
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Never, never, never freaking ever have sex with a guy until you are sure he is there for you and not the sum of your parts. Never, not ever, use sex as a means to keep him. Never think that you “owe” him that, or fear that you will lose him if you don’t. Refer to tip number three.
I’ve listened to far too many broken hearts not to hammer home that one bit of advice. If he’s going to walk because you have not had sex, not become close enough for YOU to desire sex with him, then he is not a man of worth…and not the man you seek. He’s just a penis in a safe wrapper.
#8. Men don’t know how to communicate. I hate having to read their minds. They don’t say anything. Ugh!
We get a lot of advice about listening more than speaking, so we tend to do that. It’s not unlike number two. No one has any idea how much to share, whether we will scare her off, what we should say, how much to say.
I’ve learned that women do not enjoy Mr. Stoic Man, but they also do not like Chatty Charlie…so we sit there wondering, WTF? Look at whether he is paying attention more than what he may not say.
Is he truly interested? Is he enjoying the conversation? Is he letting those “sips” out, or are his eyes glazed, thinking about a video or football game?
I tell guys to just be themselves rather then what they “think” she will like. I now tell women that also. Be yourself and if you run into guys that either won’t, or can’t communicate, you need to move on until you find that guy. Sucks, I know. Took me a long time and a failed marriage to get there myself.
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Above all, I think we need to understand that it is work, it is a number’s game, and it’s a game we cannot win unless we continue to play. And do so with as little wasted time as we can. Stop wondering whether we can fix or figure out Mr. Broken Pants and move past him so as to find that guy that fits.
Strive to be the best woman, the best potential partner that you can be, and to feel your self worth and worthy of that guy that will make you smile each time you drive up the driveway, get off that train, knowing that you will be there spending the rest of your night with your best friend.
Jump on that time machine and see the two of you 20 years in the future. Ask yourself if that is the picture you are trying to paint.
Be astute. Be alert and orientated. Do the exact opposite of what people tell you by engaging your brain before your heart, so that you can feel safe enough to engage that heart…but only when your brain tells you so.
Again, just the opinion of a random guy, but an opinion formulated by a great many discussions as well as making all the mistakes. Of all the blathering that I do online, the most fun, the most rewarding for me is in helping women to understand this enigma we call “men”…and seeing that light-bulb go on when they gain greater understanding.
That’s my job. Yours is to choose wisely. Hope it helped a bit.
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Photo: iStock
This is great. Thanks DJ! My major problem as a woman was not being my authentic self, which is knowing my feminine essence, and what i desire.
Thank u so much! Ur blog was really useful. Bt i wanted to know something still further… That how do u really get the feeling of “this is the one” for me. Its like the one i like..os poles apart.moreover he never makes me feel special. Bt thats him.and he is going to be like that only with any girl. He does not believe in pampering and fairy tale romance. Thats makes me feel sad.and makes me feel that i cannt stay with someone like him!,should this bothet me to take a decision ?,Help
Excellent excellent EXCELLENT!
Thank you!
This article is excellent. Well done. My take on it: Don’t give potential partners a pass on rude or dismissive behaviour because you’re lonely. You’re worth more than that. Treat potential partners as a fellow human, regardless of gender, because they are. Men and women while different in many ways are not actually alien species, and communication is something learned within every relationship. Be yourself. That’s who you want your potential partner to like and want to be with, and you want them to be honest with you, so offer them the same courtesy.
Sorry for the delayed response, but thank you all for the comments.
Thank you Amber, that is exactly what I was trying to relay.
I’d just like to offer a thought I gave my teen son when talking about sex–practice masturbating wearing a condom so you know what one feels like before you have sex with a woman. You’ll be used to using one and you’ll be used to the difference in feel.
I really want him NOT to be one of those men who complain about how a condom feels. I’m sure it’s not fun (it’s not as much fun for us, either), but STDs and pregnancy are not fun, either.
Thanks for a great article!
Thank you DJ for writing this down.
And thank you Sandy for picking it up and making it into an article of itself.
I’ve been awstruck, so I’ve yet to truly penetrate the depths of this piece.
Thank you @FlyingKal. I’m pretty awestruck, too 🙂
Appreciate it, as always, Kal, but we need to blame Sandy here. Her diabolical plan. I just drove the getaway car!
Sandy,
I’ve replied to your question. If you did not get it, let me know and I’ll resend.
Such great insight into how we should be interacting with one another. Broken people have sharp edges, and this just inches us all a little closer to smoothing them out for ourselves first, then our potential partners. Thank you for being part of a solution that calls men to be emotionally aware, against what society says is acceptable, and calls women to be emotionally empowered by honoring ourselves and asking potential partners to meet us as deeply as we have met ourselves.
Love and light.
DJ, did you really admit to doing “gentlemanly door opening stuff?” ?
Just HAD to tease you a bit.
Shush you!. I Have an image to uphold. ;p
DJ,
This is the most viral article I’ve ever posted. Overnight, it gained over 6,000 Facebook shares. You’re a genius. Thanks again for letting me share your well-thought out comment on my article. It’s obviously resonating with many people. I love spreading smart relationship advice.
It’s not my fault!
I’m a bit stunned, but happy for you, Sandy. You are doing a good thing here Awesome, awesome that I was able to help out a bit.
Thank you. I appreciate your support of my work, and you are too modest. Almost 7,000 shares now. Wow wow wow.
Hi Sandy, I guess I didn’t fully understand the impact until I started scanning the site to see what the average “shares” are, even on controversial topics. I’m now staring at that number and shaking my head. There is nothing (that I could find) that is even remotely close. If a knuckle-head like myself can touch something that deep, gain that much attention, then there is something going on here that is in need of further discussion, not with just the young but our own generation. I really did not see it as anything more then open communication, but you… Read more »
Gonna echo Sandy on this one. DJ, you’re one of the only people commenting here that I actually have saved copies of your comments (like, for example https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-men-being-destroyed-by-constant-arousal-jrmk/#comment-2332700 )
I’ll say that with some editing, and some structure, both of which were provided by Sandy (directly, and by writing the article you responded to), you could be on the front page of this site almost daily.
Keep fighting the good fight!
I’m laughing, Anthony. Melissa and I just discussed my often times, spirited tone (which was the reason for that gentle, and hilarious ribbing I took), but everything comes full circle. Our failure to pay attention to the needs of our boys, to help them develop into strong, confident men is the very reason that so many women out there are having so much difficulty today. Those boys eventually grow up. That is easy to convey with and for men. One just (as my wife often quips) takes out the rubber mallet. My challenge here was to send the same message… Read more »
Well, I can’t speak for the rest, as I stopped reading after #5. But a date doesn’t need to be romantic, and most worthwhile people lack the desire to be romantically involved with strangers. Seems somebody is caught up in the game, while at the same time trying to help women or men navigate through it. I say sideline the playbook. Get in touch with people. Get to know people. If you want more, speak your mind about it (be honest). If they do to then start exploring and see where you two end up. This system can be utilized… Read more »
I’m glad that you mentioned that, Edy. I did address that later in the article. It is not about romantic ideals, but the the opportunity to move past the games and the game players to the concept of finding one’s best friend, then marrying them.
Great article, thanks.
Thank you, Samantha! Glad you enjoyed it.
#7 … I find it difficult to communicate with men about safe sex. … Maybe this is a good place to ask this question. In six months of on line dating I have not come even close enough to bring up this topic, but someday I hope… First, my position: Regarding condoms, I say no and here is why: Making love is a, for lack of a better phrase, full body contact sport. (Not all sports are competition.) A condom only protects one part of each partner. Before we take that step we should both have a full up urine… Read more »
@Bryan, In terms of condoms, sure it feels better without one, but even after you both have clean STD tests, a man can carry diseases that don’t show up on a test, like the HPV virus. Certain strains can cause cancer in the woman. So, condoms are a must-have unless you both agree to ditch them and deal with the consequences. As for your question about how to bring up the sex talk without scaring the woman away? A good woman will stay if you say it in a kind way at the right stage of the relationship. You might… Read more »
@Sandy I’m not entirely comfortable with your response to Bryan’s comment. And I’m seriously not comfortable at all with Bryan’s comment itself. Two things worry me ….. Firstly, the HIV Window Period. With the most common blood test for HIV antibodies it can take up to 3 months after infection for 98% of infected people to test Positive. During that 3 months the infected people are able to pass on HIV to partners during unprotected sex, despite some of them showing Negative test results. More alarming is that 2% of infected people that still don’t test Positive after the 3… Read more »
@Kevin Henderson, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I’m glad you brought up HIV testing and the window within which it’s detectable in a potential partner. My article wasn’t primarily about STD testing, and it’s a huge topic deserving of careful consideration when having sex with a new partner, no matter your age. In my response to Bryan, I touched on only one aspect of why men should wear condoms. I didn’t address contraception, because my clients and I are 50+ and no longer able to conceive. I just don’t think about much anymore. AND I agree with you, contraception… Read more »
Re: With the most common blood test for HIV antibodies it can take up to 3 months after infection for 98% of infected people to test Positive. … 2% of infected people that still don’t test Positive – … That’s 1 person in 50 people infected with HIV Those are some rather incredible facts. I have been out of the dating scenes since before the advent of HIV and was unaware of that. Regarding contraception I had a vasectomy many years ago and that is not a problem. I have not used condoms for over forty years and was not… Read more »
I post one single comment and I get: You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.
What !!! ??? Its not possible to post one comment too quickly.
Site Managers: Please, put this site on faster servers.
Hi Bryan, there are a number of barrier methods besides condoms. Dental dams are for oral sex on a woman, and there are also female condoms, which are used internally but also cover some of the external genitalia. It’s possible to be almost completely protected, but I still feel that the testing is responsible and safe. I also agree that no-one should be having sex who can’t broach the topic of contraception or disease prevention.
Sandy, Thank you for the reply. Re: a man can carry diseases that don’t show up on a test, like the HPV virus. Certain strains can cause cancer in the woman. Good point. The possibility that she will have those STDs and give them to me is probably the same as me giving it to her. It is worth noting I understand that those diseases are more dangerous for her than myself. Then again, I list of partners is rather short and only one for the last forty years. I am probably a safer bet than most. I did ask… Read more »
The interactive interface is not very good. I changed a paragraph before clicking post and the latest edits were not captured. That paragraph should be:
Good point. It is worth noting I understand that those diseases are more dangerous for her than myself. The possibility that she will have those STDs and give them to me is probably the same as me giving it to her. Then again, my list of partners is rather short and only one for the last forty years. I am probably a safer bet than most.
Thanks, Anthony. Yes, DJ wrote such an amazing response to my original article, I had to publish it.
I’m glad you liked it as much as I did. Keep up the great comments on my articles, and one of yours might be my next article 🙂
Congrats DJ! I loved that response in the original article comments, and (as always), agreed with all of it. Also Sandy, you did a great job of polish on it to make it completely awesome.
Love it when that kind of thing happens! 🙂
Thanks Anthony. I figured I’d take a break from heckling from the balcony.
And yes, Sandy is aces. If I’ve helped a bit, then that’s just awesome sauce.